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Lone parents

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Original poster

Furious!!

12 replies

cls77 · 13/10/2013 21:09

ExDH has only recently started seeing DD for 7hrs on alternate Sundays, she gets a text or two in between visits and I have been encouraging her since he left a year ago to answer his texts and try and arrange to see him (she's 11). As of last week CSA have begun taking payment along with a small amount towards a moderate arrears (due to being in and out of work) from him, which has been a battle.
DD returns tonight and says her dad told her when he sees her in two weeks to ask mummy for some money and bring it with her so he can do something with her, as he hasn't got any money now mummy has it all from the CSA!!!!

OP posts:
CaptainSweatPants · 13/10/2013 21:13

:(

You must be over the moon this bloke is no longer your partner !

Your poor dd though

Original poster
cls77 · 13/10/2013 22:47

Elated to be away from his emotional and deluded behaviour yes, just feel do DD, she's really upset by it tonight :(

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/10/2013 22:52

What did she understand from it? That he's a wanker or did she believe him? What a cunt.

Original poster
cls77 · 13/10/2013 23:24

Think she knows he's a wanker but is really struggling with it at the mo, she's trying to see him as a good person and it's horrible seeing her realise what a twat he is.

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 14/10/2013 14:21

It will be hard but well done on letting her work it out for herself...

betterthanever · 16/10/2013 00:05

YY to what starlight said. At 11 this may also be a good time for her to learn what men can be like as she approaches getting a first boyfriend. I still get shocked by it. She has you, you made a good choice moving on.

Original poster
cls77 · 16/10/2013 10:51

Thankyou, it is so hard to not slag him off to her, but I am determined to not be one of those parents that are as bad as the nrp because they talk down the other parent, at the end of the day the child doesnt see it like that, and needs to make their own mind up. Im just there to provide hugs and tell her how much I love her, I have even said over the last couple of days that D loves her too, but just struggles with showing it. God its hard Confused

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 16/10/2013 11:00

Wow. You need to re-establish the boundaries. It's great that she can be in contact with him directly, but it's not appropriate for him to pass messages through her, particularly of this type.

starlight1234 · 16/10/2013 12:26

One thing I would be carful of..he is clearly a knob....

You need to leave her space to figure that out....Sometimes saying really nice things about her Dad can make it difficult when she comes to the conclusion what he is to talk to you...

With my Ex ..my son was much younger and I used to say things like..Your Dad used to play ice hockey when he was a boy ( when Ice skating came on Tv) I never built him up to be something he wasn't just gave him a bit in information.

Original poster
cls77 · 16/10/2013 13:33

Anything so should I tell him I know what he said to her? I havent let on so far, as part of me thinks this was just to get the info back to me for a reaction, which I dont want to give?
starlight I know what youre saying (I think), I only told her about him loving her as it was in response to her crying that "he never hugs me like he hugs xyz" xyz being gf daughter?! - what should I do? Im really wanting to get this right :(

OP posts:
betterthanever · 16/10/2013 20:58

You can only be truthful in an age appropriate way.
No one but he knows why he has chosen to say what he has to her about money - so you can answer honestly that you do not know whay he has said that. I would maybe say that money is something adults talk about so she doesn't need to worry about it.
I would not mention it to him, you are spot on he wants a reaction and then he can blame you for bringing up things you should not talk to a child about - they usually twist it round that way.

mitchsta · 25/10/2013 15:59

What a first-class prick.

I do think that at 11, she's old enough for the truth - that he's paying some money to you for things like clothes and food, etc but that it's not for spending on fun/luxuries and you need that for the basics - also that he has plenty left over - you don't take it all, just a bit of it.

As for how you explain why you aren't sending her with any money - aside from explaining that you pay for things when she's with you and he pays for things when she's with him, could you say something along the lines of: we do loads of things together that don't cost anything, so why don't you watch a DVD / go for a walk / [insert some of the other free things you and DD do together here] ... that way she has a few options to put forward that negate the need for additional money.

I'm not suggesting that he never again spends any money when his DD comes to visit, just that this could help you avoid giving him the reaction he's after right now. Or maybe not... I don't know! Sorry!

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