Divorced but still feel imprisoned

[anonymous180613]

I am grateful for my kids, I really am. I know many women would have loved to be mothers and I'm glad to got to do that, and was loved by my ex for a while, and got the whole white wedding and a good few years.

But right now life feels really shite. I can't get a job because I have my kids Monday-Friday and no family around to help and ex-dh only sees them as his responsibility at weekends. They are school age but no childminders at their school and before and after school nursery costs are horrendous (£1,000 a month for Mon-Fri before and after school care). What with having to take on the mortgage as well as soon as I am working, and full council tax, I've been priced out of the market. After 10 years out of the workplace I can't attain the kind of salary that requires. I've spent two years studying and applying for jobs, got a masters degree and become CIPD qualified but still haven't been able to get anything. So I'm now planning to train as a childminder, the only financially viable option left open to me. I always wanted a career, I thought once I'd brought the kids up it would be my time again, to do what I wanted. I just never envisaged being a single breadwinner and unable to step back in at the only level I can because I can't afford to. The thought of playing the stay at home mum for at least 5 more years makes me feel like slitting my wrists but - I have tried every single thing I can think of to get out of this trap but I have no choice.

Also, I've been on dating sites on and off for the past two years, joined social groups, out every weekend when kids are away, lost weight, got make-up tips and nice clothes, and still can't find anyone who wants to date me (apart from the usual wierdos). Guys would line up to have sex with me but date me - nope, one look at the "offspring" section on my dating profile and I'm filtered out of any serious consideration. Meanwhile the ex-dh has shacked up with a lovely woman and plays happy families with my children every weekend (yes I know it may not be as happy as it seems, but still...). I try to keep positive and optimistic but with every rejection as soon as they've dated me long enough to get their leg over, it gets harder and harder. Guy friends I know say I'm lovely, and attractive, and smart, and that they're sure I'll be snapped up soon (but not by them!), I've had loads of advice on my dating profile, but - it just isn't happening. I'm not even getting dates.

I'm sorry for the moan, I generally try hard to keep positive, but sometimes it just all gets to me and feels so bloody unfair. I feel like I'll never have a loving relationship again or a decent job.

Sometimes just having a moan can make you feel better

Being a loan parent can be very isolating but it sounds like you are doing all the right things

Don't give up

It must be frustrating you've been working on yourself and your career to get the life you want and its not happening - yet.
Hopefully you can keep your hand in somehow professionally e.g. keeping abreast of industry news etc meanwhile until you can persue it again.
Romantically, is it possible you're trying too hard? I'm trying not to look just now as I think they may be able to sense the desperation
...

I'm not in your shoes, but try not to stress about the online dating thing too much. They were only ever any good for me as a virtual distraction away from the utter knobbers I seemed to meet in the real world. I'd be inclined to agree with Rita on the trying too hard thing - I'm sure you're not flying in there with a "marry me" beacon on your forehead, but you'd be surprised how much you give away without even knowing it.

If I were you, I'd focus on the career element of my world first and foremost. Make a plan, reward yourself when you reach milestones and leave the rest for now. You say that you plan to train as a childminder, which is great if that's what you want to do, but nothing more than a temporary stop-gap if it isn't what you really want. You've obviously been through a lot and I'm only saying this as an honest observation from your post - you seem really defeatist when it comes to your career options. "Can't do this and can't do that..." when you're clearly an intelligent woman with lots to offer. Why not start your own business? I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it could be one hell of a project to get stuck into while you're at home - and you'll feel an amazing sense of accomplishment when you realise that actually, you can do this and you can do that.

I say this because I am self-employed and if you'd told me 2 years ago this is where I'd be, I'd have said "Me? Never! I can't do that." I just suddenly realised one day that actually I effing well can do that and I went and did it. You're a single mum so you're obviously no stranger to hard graft. So before you dismiss my suggestion with the first excuse you can think of, why not make a list of all the reasons why you can't do it and turn them into challenges to overcome instead of point-blank reasons not to?

I just think you need a massive confidence boost - wouldn't all of that seeking-out-a-new-man energy be put to much better use as making-something-of-myself energy? I hope I haven't offended you - that isn't my intention - I just wanted to offer some honest thoughts.