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Original poster

Should i have a chat with ds(8) and if so what do i say?

13 replies

YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 21:57

Two dses aged 4 and 8. Their dad is supposed to have them eow friday 6pm til sunday 6pm and every other tuesday 6pm til wednesday 6pm. He hasnt come for them on a tuesday for about 2 months and ha offered no explanation for this. He has also stopped coming on friday evenings, sometimes coming at a random time on the saturday and sometimes not at all. Various excuses are offered. Sometimes none is offered. This is pretty much how he is and has been all their lives but ds1 is really not coping with it now. He is crying everytime exp doesnt turn up and now he is crying and weepy even at the mention of going to his dad's as he knows the likelyhood is he wont be coming to get him. I have had umpteen conversations with exp where he tells me he will change his behaviour and knows ds gets upset but he always goes back to this letting him down. I have gotten angry and told him i have been calm and told him what ds is going through an he either ignores, makes excuses or says he will change. I know he never will, this is just him and i could talk til im blue in the face but he wont change. I have gently asked ds if he would like to tell his dad himself how it makes him feel but he says it makes him sad to talk about it. And it does. Ive made excuses for exp but im getting so angry now- my ds is in the verge of tears alot of the time and i dont know how to make him feel better about this. It is so awful to see him like this and i cant fix it. I grew up living with both parents so i dont know what is going through his head. One of my close friends went through similar with her dad as a child- should i ask her to speak with ds? Would it help him? I just want him to feel better. He's getting worse.

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 08/10/2013 22:33

We keep hearing that any contact with other parent is good but this is clearly damaing..

I would ask Ex what he can commit to ..It might work better that way..

Otherwise no reall great adivse..just really feel for the kids

Original poster
YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 22:42

We have rehashed the contact arrangement over and over again to try and find something he can maintain. Its not the arrangement thats a problem- its his commitment to the dcs. I appreciate your suggestion though. I agree it has gotten to a point now where ds is being hurt.

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Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 22:46

Could you say to your son that it's not his fault, it's nothing he's done, it's that his Dad has a problem with timekeeping and some people are like that, it's nothing to do with him. I might even go so far as to say that it is possible that his Dad feels bad about the whole situation, and that sometimes what people do when they feel bad about things is to hide from them, but he's not hiding from your DS, he's hiding from himself. I don't know if any of that would be appropriate for your son, but he needs to know that it's not his doing, and it's not because of him that his Dad doesn't come. Easier said than done I know.

I'd try to get him to write how he feels down, although I know it can be tricky at that age to get them writing, otherwise can he tell a favourite toy/teddy how he feels when he gets upset? Or recording it said out loud, even if he then deletes it. Finding a way for him to let it out might help.

Maybe the friend could speak with him if he knows her and they get on, otherwise I don't know, it might be odd for him if he doesn't know her well.

Original poster
YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 23:00

Thank you. I think writing it down would be a good idea for him- he has a diary but really only writes little stories but i will suggest this too him. He doesnt really know my friend too well so it probably would be a bit odd for him to talk with her actually.

I have told him its nothing he has done and that he is a lovely person and so much fun to be with and that some people just arent good at coming when they say they will but im not sure if that is having any effect. When im saying it its when he is already upset and i think overwhelmed by the disappointment of dad not coming. So i think not much i say is sinking in at that point which is why i was thinking of having a chat when he wasnt already very emotional so maybe he would take on board what im saying. Are there any stories about this sort of thing? He loves reading and likes to talk about his stories afterwards which i think would be a good way to help him talk about it without the trigger being another let down IYSWIM.

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 08/10/2013 23:15

It may be worth arranging things so he gets to know this friend.

I have fulfilled the role you describe for my bfriends dd and it has had a huge impact on her.

Other than that no helpful advice. It's so upsetting to have to keep letting them get hurt over and over Angry

Original poster
YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 23:17

Thats really good to know herrena- i will ask fried if she would be happy to talk with him first- obviously she knows the whole story and i know hers but she mightnt want to share with ds. But i will ask her. She knws ds is really not happy at the minute.

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Kleptronic · 08/10/2013 23:32

I have got the Everybody Feels... sad, angry, happy, scared books for my son, and he read them, and returns to them, (he's 9, but we've had them a few years) maybe they might help, in that they explore feelings, and then ask what can I do to feel better?, and suggest strategies in ways kids can understand. They might be too young for your son, although I'd say recognising that everyone has these feelings and we can do something about them is ageless.

Original poster
YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 23:39

Thank you kleptronic- anything is worth a try so i will try those. Smile

OP posts:
Troubledjo · 08/10/2013 23:51

My DD's dad has also been quite unreliable at various points over the years. A counsellor I saw ages ago said that it was much better if I encouraged her to feel sorry for her dad rather than be angry with him. I have explained that some people just aren't very good at things, even when they want to be, and that it doesn't mean that he doesn't care. That he loves her and wants to be a good dad but sometimes he just isn't able to. She seems to have really understood this and is fine with it now. I think you are right though, you need to explain this at times when it isn't in the middle of the crisis.

Also try to stay calm about it yourself, so your DCs aren't picking up on your emotions.

With time, my ex-P has also become much more reliable, so things may get better for you too. I think it helped when I took the pressure off him and just left him to find his own equilibrium. He doesn't see DD as much as I would like, but at least now the time they have together is positive.

Original poster
YoureBeingADick · 08/10/2013 23:59

Thank you troubledjo. That is a good way to explain it to him so i will be sure to do that.

I have stopped contacting exp now when he doesnt show, firstly because it always led to a row and i got very angry which lingered inside my head for long after and secondly because i made a decision to stop taking responsibility for his contact. I sent exp a message telling him this and have left it up to him mow- whether he turns ip or not i dont contact him.

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 09/10/2013 00:17

Hugs for you all [hugs]

Kleptronic · 09/10/2013 00:18

Oops! Linked to nothing by accident, not the message I was trying to give! Big massive {{{hugs}}}

Original poster
YoureBeingADick · 09/10/2013 09:15
Grin Thank you. Much appreciated. I always knew this would start to happen (the dcs being affected by him) but it still so hard to see hapening.
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