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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

He wants kids 4 nights a week, all tax credits and to move them away!

20 replies

Montessorisam · 07/10/2013 22:21

Hi, just had a phone call from Ex. He said he wants to take kids 4 nights a week, to move them away from their area and schools and to take all the tax credits off me! He said he won't be happy until I'm destroyed and he won't be happy until he dictates all the terms from here on in!! Can you see why I kicked him out? He isn't happy that I took control of my life. I couldn't stand his emotional abuse anymore. Now he won't leave me alone - sends emails all the time. He won't be civilised even though I have tried. I have said he can see the kids when he wants on the days he wants to see them but he isn't happy with this; he wants all the money too. I just cut my work hours from 25 to 16 to cope with having the 3 kids (age 4, 9 ,11) 6 days a week. He is from one extreme to another. Last week he told me he won't be seeing them anymore. It's even all or nothing with him and he won't be reasonable and meet half way. What do I do now!!?

OP posts:

midwifeandmum · 07/10/2013 22:25

Right u need to go see a lawyer, this dickhead asshole is threatening u and u need to fight fire with fire.

As for the emails etc, u need to ask the police for help and advice. Save all mobile fone records, emails etc.

This abusive bastard needs to know he cant get what he demands.

Big hugs xxxx

Kfur · 07/10/2013 22:28

You really need too see a lawyer and get this sorted legally , you have the power to deal with it , he can only take the kids off you if he has been granted too do so by a judge or court ,

BillyBanter · 07/10/2013 22:29

I'd let any other calls go to voicemail so you can have a record of that too.

I think there are apps you can put on mobile phones which can record phone conversations as well.

expatinscotland · 07/10/2013 22:33

Save all the emails and texts, definitely.

Original poster

Montessorisam · 07/10/2013 22:34

I actually laugh out loud in total disbelief when he is telling me this shit because even I can't believe how completely controlling he is! But I guess I did the worst thing you can do to someone like that right and kicked him out (which took super human strength I can tell you!!) and took away all his power. So now he can't move on until I am destroyed. I will fight him every step of the way - if I knew what I was fighting. As he changes his fucking tune from one day to the next about what he wants I don't know where I am. He wouldn't be able to look after 3 kids for the amount of time he is talking about and that is a fact. Dick!

OP posts:

MomentForLife · 07/10/2013 22:40

His behaviour is very threatening, get a lawyer and contact the police if he continues to bombard you.

Threatening to 'destroy' you and his silly demands show that he doesn't have the children's best interests at heart, he is just after revenge. And as for moving schools and areas, don't they always look at minimising the upset to children if these things get to court. Silly man.

Good luck with everything, stay strong!

Original poster

Montessorisam · 07/10/2013 22:45

Thanks folks. Can't think straight! Yes, it all about revenge. He does want to destroy me he says to make me feel how he feels. I am in disbelief that I stayed with this man for 12 years. Does it ever become amicable or do I have to live like this forever?! He sends constant low level threats - when I tried to discuss half term and xmas with him via an email all I got in response was "Revenge will be sweet". Which obviously makes me think he is either gonna try and take the kids for the whole of xmas or not see them at all. He works like this and it is constantly upsetting to be living like this!

OP posts:

MomentForLife · 07/10/2013 22:55

I've had friends who had bad break ups but seem amicable now, I suppose only time will tll how he'll play it.

Right now in all honesty I wouldn't let him have the children overnight at all. He is obviously in a bad place and could be saying all sorts to them.

I would calmly tell him that you need some space away from him and that you will talk about things when he can talk to you properly and in a responsible way.

MomentForLife · 07/10/2013 22:57

Oh and if he gives you any crap about not letting him see them remember that YOU tried to talk about contact and were met with abuse.

Meglet · 08/10/2013 06:29

Oh dear, if my ex hadn't had the snip I'd think they were the same person.

The police and womens aid can advise you on the constant harrassing e-mails. They gave an 'on the spot' fine to my ex after he sent me endless text messages and phone calls. Just keep copies and a record of everything.

I'd find a solicitor for a free half hour session and go from there. You could try mediation too, although I think there is usually a fee for it. My ex threatened everything under the sun but when it came to the crunch he couldn't even be bothered to see them regularly at weekends because it got in the way of his social life, we've not seen him in well over 4yrs now (this isn't a bad thing!).

cestlavielife · 08/10/2013 11:37

decide on a constant response eg "ok that's an interesting suggestion. let's discuss it in mediation "
or "please put forward your proposals in an email so I can review with my solicitor"

dont rise to his bait.
stay calm.
he cannot suddenly have them four nights if that isnt happening right now.

dont engage on phone at all.

if he starts ranting say "sorry I have to go; please put it all in an email"

and hang up.

you do have to come up with some kind of agreement for what happens.

what do the older kids want?

he cant remove them from school without your agreement.

Original poster

Montessorisam · 08/10/2013 13:14

The kids won't agree to him having them more than I have them I know that. I am going to try my damndest not to engage in anything anymore. Great suggestion to ask him to put his proposal in an email. Thanks.

OP posts:

titchy · 08/10/2013 13:21

Change your phone number and tell him all discussions regarding the children are to be made by email.Emergency contact whilst they are with him to be made by text only. And keep one phone SIM for his texts only. Don't answer calls from it.

NoPartyDay · 10/10/2013 11:31

See your GP and tell them what he has said Ask for a referrral to see a psychologist for emotional support for you and your children's future. Important for ongoing support while he behaves this way
The confusion and sadness you feel are directly related to his constant changing tactics to unnerve and disarm you from coping with his demands and nastiness
Your children have the right to a stable loving childhood. Very sad he is willing to upset their happiness and create instability and sadness for them to hurt you
Do not suffer in silence or feel ashamed, your GP and psycholgist or counsellor may be able to help both you and the children feel more secure while he is acting irrresponsibly. Also may help you focus on more positive things so all his tactics become pointless

NoPartyDay · 10/10/2013 11:40

P.S. Great advice re communicating via email, just using a formal response on the phone and text while they are with him. Distancing yourself from his nasty threats is important. Great advice to get support from womens aid/legal aid and discuss with people who have seen and heard this before and know how best to deal with it for you and the children

Original poster

Montessorisam · 10/10/2013 17:17

Thanks folks. I had to call the police this morning as he was harassing me all night and this morning he squared up to me and threatened to punch me. I have had enough. His harassment has been escalating. I'm so tired from it all. Good idea about seeing doctor/counsellor. Not sure how much more of this I can do on my own. This is a very bad day. Just having the police in the house for 3 hours is draining enough too! Women's Aid are getting me a solicitors appointment and the poice are going to issue him with a PIN. I'm just exhausted now having taken all of these steps to protect myself and the kids.

OP posts:

Divinity · 10/10/2013 22:34

You're doing a great job at a very stressful time. Hang in there.

Oh you may need one of these too . For medicinal purposes of course.

Original poster

Montessorisam · 11/10/2013 07:31

Thanks Divinity and as tonight is Friday I shall be having one! x

OP posts:

NoPartyDay · 11/10/2013 09:58

Hi, so sorry you had to deal with such a stressful night from him. Not good at all for you or your children :(
Very understandable you feel so tired, overwhelmed and stressed
Glad you are able to see solicitor, and have spoken with Police to get a PIN after such nasty threats and harassment hope you find a reasonable GP who can refer/recommend a counsellor for you to work through things for yourself and the children
x

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 11/10/2013 10:32

Seeing as he has threatened you physically and is also threatening to take the children, can you get an injunction and also stop any contact with the children completely?

Sorry don't know the law but it sounds to me that you would only be being sensible and acting in your children's best interests to do these things.

What the PIN thing?

Were the police helpful?

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