Will I ever forgive him and become amicable towards him?!

[Sasquatch75]

It's early days for me (9 weeks since he left) but atm I hate his guts! Mainly for the lies as to why he left... first of all his head was a mess, saw a counsellor, fell out of love with me. Swore there was noone else. Lie. Moved in with OW and her kids about a month after he left (stayed at a friend's flat before then). Introduced kids to her and took them round her house 6 weeks after he left. Anyways... we're booked in to see a mediator at Relate in 2 weeks time. This is going to be an awful experience for me - I expect I'll cry a lot.

Will my feelings towards him ever change? Will I be able to talk to him nicely while actually looking at him? Will the hatred lessen? Will I stop feeling sick about him playing happy families with her kids and ours? 11.5 years together and he has no respect for me whatsoever. I am nothing to him.

the intensity will pass. I can't say I like my ex (he's a shit) but I have learned to focus on myself. I don't know what your relationship was like, but I have attended Freedom and a pattern changing course for women affected by domestic abuse and it's helped me so much. 18 months now since he left and I have managed (for the most part) to put in place some boundaries so that his life has the minimal impact on mine. The more I've practiced distancing myself the better I've felt. In fact, the only times I've felt out of control awful have been the times I've tried to be 'friendly and amicable'.

You don't need to be his friend. He is not your friend. He is the man who tore your life apart. Don't give him access to you while you rebuild it. And don't try to be nice to him as a person for the sake of the kids. Be respectful of their relationship (if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all is a good rule of thumb) ONLY deal with access arrangements.

My favourite mantra when it's hard to keep going is a year from now you'll be glad you started today... and a year down the road, I can say I really, really am. So another year on I'm sure I'll feel better than I do now.

You'll be ok x

18 months down the line for me I never ever thought I would say this genuinely but I pity him.The girl he left for is a loon who makes his life hell.His job sucks and pays poorly.The children love him, and except the providing bit he hardly let's them down.Its good to get passed the anger and think about a friendship again.But, I don t trust him.The turning point for me was when he apologised for being such a difficult twat when he left.I feel in control at last and that's a great feeling.Saying that when the kids wobble about being in a broken home sometimes the anger creeps back just the tiniest bit.Chin up get yourself back on your feet,living well is the best revenge and it's soo true.

We had a really good relationship. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me... Everyone is completely shocked at the change in him. It kills me to see him. I start to feel better 2-3 days after I last saw him.

I wonder if I will pity him in the future. By all accounts, the ow is a cheap tart (heard this from men as well as women who work with them both). He's lost respect from a lot of people at work. Can't believe he of all people would fall for someone like her! She even smokes - he's always hated people who smoke!

Kids are still hoping he'll come home soon! It's so awful to see them upset like that :( Hate him.

My counselor told me you don't have to forgive and those were wise words to me. I'll probably never forgive exp for turning my life upside down but I am able to be amicable with regards to dd.

don't be too hard on yourself. I'm 18 months down the line and still have really bad days. no one can tell you how long the healing process will be for you as we are all different. For me it is a longer journey.

It is such early days. allow yourself the range of emotions. I can't even write some of the horrible thoughts I've had about exp and OW but suffice to say I have wished horrible suffering on them more than once!!!

If you aren't already , look into counselling.

sorry going on here :) could write a book about it!

You can be amicable while still being angry and not forgiving. Things will get better in time.

xx

Just reread your last comment and just to reiterate you have been through something horrible and all your feelings are normal. if I was alone in my car I would allow myself a few minutes of major venting. I would scream and call OW all names under the sun including the C word and tell her how much I hated her. you need an outlet for the anger so this might help. Although I'm sure other drivers thought I was a nutjob!

And never compare yourself to her. My ex chose someone who looks like a cast member from Geordie Shore over me and dd. There's no reasoning behind it so don't even go there.

I will never be able to forgive the awfulness he has brought into DD's life. Yet another man who made a poor choice of OW, she's an alcoholic (no driving licence), she's currently seeing both him and her husband and they all know!!!

Counsellor tells me DD feels safe, secure and valued with me. With ExH she feels insecure and undervalued and that OW's DD is choosen above her. I will never forgive him for this.
I will never be amicable, I have always been civil and respectful this is how I will be going forward.
I all honest at this moment it would be better if he just f**d off out of DD's life I think she would actually cope better.

It takes a while but the answer to the original question is yes. It took years for me. Years of text wars. Years of avoiding each other as much as possible. And then it all wore off. No real turning point, just a gradual thing but welcome.

Of course it depends on how much of an arse he is?

Im in exactly the same situation as you and I wonder the same thing. My ex dh left mid july I have two dds a 5 year old and 8 month old. Our relationship was good but the fact he left me when I just had a baby and probably even planning it when I was pregnant makes me so angry. I have had no answers and I probably will never get them, he has just moved on like it was some teenage romance. I am so angry at him and it pisses me off I have to be amicable for him for sake of girls. It hurts so much he is totally ok with it all and I struggle to get through each day. Its comforting to me that eventually the anger might fade.