i have really made a mess of things

[nataliejc77]

through circumstances and probably my own fault i am a single parent, recently unemployed and back living with my mother. i know, i know not exactly as i had planned whilst at university. the problem is with my mother. she is great with my ds but i feel trapped.
i cant never do any right, my son cries too much, makes too much mess and Im too soft with him. i have lost all confidence in being a mother as today i am ok with my mothering skills but tomorrow it will be wrong and she will be so critical that it reduces me to tears.
i know it is hard for her, she was enjoying her retirement and we have invaded but i have nowhere to go. everytime we argue i am reminded that it is not my home and i should go but where? the council refused to help the last time she kicked us out that after wandering the streets all night with an 8 month old i went back. i have lived in the same borough all my life and Im not working so the council cant/wont help. i have no friends that can put us up either.
i dont want to sound whinny i guess i want to hear that things will get better. i dont think at the moment i can see the wood for the trees!!

What reason did the council give for not rehoming you?

they told me that my mother had said that i could come back but she didnt because she was never asked. and i 100% believe her. the council were difficult from the moment i arrived. i sat there from 9
30 until 5pm. taking a ticket seeing someone, told they could not help. rejoining the queue and starting the process again.
i needed a letter to state i was homeless. the person who could help was not due in until lunchtime. i needed to give the council warning that i was going to become homeless and ending with the lie that my mum had said i could come back!! it was always something

and because i have no experience of dealing with the council i sat there like a fool all bloody day

Okay, well the way it works is if your mother kicks you out and you have a child, the council does need to house you asap. However, it will probably be in a B&B somewhere and may not be in the same area you're currently in. Council lists may be long and you could wait a long while before you get to the top and find a place to live. You could be worse off than by staying.

I feel you might be better off making a plan to find somewhere to live, getting a deposit together (or asking someone to borrow the money from) and getting on housing benefit until you can sort yourself out. You say you were at university so presumably you have some ambitions to get back into work? If it's all a bit hazy, just ask for some help-there are lots of places you can go for advice on getting back into work.

Best of luck sweetie xxx

Have you got a Sure Start Children Center near you? They have people there that may be able to help, or they could refer you on to somebody. Our local one runs a CAB, they could help you speak to the council (the council tend to listen more when there is a recognised 3rd party involved).

The other person who may be able to help is your health visitor, could you go to a drop in clinic so you can speak without your mother being present?

You need to get your mum to write a letter which says something like 'after x date I am no longer prepared to accommodate the op' then they have to help as you have achieved 'unintentionally homeless' status and you should get band b as you have a child. They will house you temporarily during which time you will be able to 'bid' on social housing . This will take time but be worth it in the long run. Be prepared to be flexible about the area you live in and brace yourself that it will be an unfurnished flat with no floor covering. You will need time to prepare.
You need to do this - sounds like your relationship with your dm would improve if you moved out and as a lp you need her to be supportive in the long term. I have a great relationship with my dm but if I moved in with my dc if would be up the spout!
There will be other options for you such as a local deposit scheme but I would go for the council housing route as actually you are in a good position to get it if your mum will cooperate

thank you all so much for you help/comments. queenofthepiarates - i do realise that i could be worse off. i could go from quite a nice part of London to another miles from anyone i know. but i do like your idea of getting together a deposit and asking for housing benefit. i could use my credit card as i have no savings or anyone to help financially.
pinkstarstruck - thank you i am going to try at a a baby clinic today. fingers crossed, although they are generally very condensending when i see them regarding questions regarding my ds.
hamwidgeandchips - actually my mum did write a letter to the council as they wouldnt even let me be seen without one. alas my mum wrote something like 'two women in one kitchen is not working and she has to go' and with hindsight maybe that is why they did not take me seriously and let me walk the streets with a eight month old baby. i am totally going to try because i adore my mother but we are all just miserable all the time. i would stay in a b and b for as long as it took. however it would be easier to stay in the same area as i do want to get back on my feet and that is going to be close to impossible without a support network fairly close by (an hour of so). another question can my mum put a forward date on the letter so i have time to prepare. eg she has on month an then she has to go?

just a update. both surestart and my health visitor have been no help. i have explained my situation and neither could provide any help. i didnt know my situation was that unique.
if anyone has any more ideas i would be thrilled to hear them as despite.my mother wanting me out she is now refusing to write the letter i need.
parents !!

Would you mum look after your baby if you had to find a new job? Even just for a short time until you could get a nursery/childminder sorted out. That way you could save towards a deposit for your own place and be able to rent privately.

this would be a long term aim. however at the moment Im not working so its not going to be easy or something quick to find a job in London that pays for a full time nursery and a flat. thanks to this wonderful government i now work in a field which seems to be contracting.

Why not give shelter a call for advice? www.shelter.org.uk/

Why is your mum refusing to write the letter? Explain to her that you don't want your relationship to suffer and that it will be best for both of you if you find your own place again. You could maybe do a word document and print it out then, all she would have to do is sign it! It would also mean you could word it factually without any ridiculous comments about kitchens in it.

When I was planning to leave my ex I saved up a month's rent, and then emailed every accredited landlord and explained my circumstances, that is how I found my rented house. The landlord could see that I could string a sentence together respectfully and I was able to explain a little before I was written off as a potential tenant.

thank you all for your advise. shelter were helpful and their advise was similar to that given by. yourhandinmyhand to save for a deposit and look for somewhere to rent in London if i want to stay close to where my support network is. so i am going to save like. crazy in the hope that i can be out by Jan/Feb.
i will also keep my fingers crossed that the social housing scheme is not abolished by then. as i fear it will not be too long before this happens. it feels so much better to have a plan in place, it makes the difficult day to day insults and criticisms easier to handle