What to tell DS 4 about his dad?

[Mumfortoddler]

My DS is 4 now and I left his dad when he was 9 months, his dad had regular contact for ages which ceased in 2012 pending court my DS started coming home with bruises and reporting dad was hitting him. DS took the departure from his dad in a mixed way, first six months he was happy and didn't want to see his dad, kept saying his dad was mean and angry. Then second six months he started really pining for his dad, and gradually appears to have forgotten some of the things his dad has done, and really wanted to see his dad earlier this year. Its now been 14 months, and in that time after quite alot of negotiations for some supervised access which I began building up my son for, his dad pulled out and changed his mind. My DS is gutted and really hurt dad didn't go through with it. Left DS' dad because of domestic abuse which turned violent.

Now my son is really feeling very hurt by the whole thing and is crying for his dad- what do I do to comfort him? Have contacted his dad to visit supervised but he's not got back to me, has moved, not told us his new address, changed his email, phone number, basically blocked us from his life.. Its crazy.

How do I tell my son his dad doesn't want to see him anymore? and what reasonings do I give? Its killing me seeing my son so broken.

Argh poor you and poor poor ds.

You need to use the brilliant MN advice. "I think you are amazing and loving being with you and so do granny, nursery staff etc. You are good at doing [drawing, scooting, whatever] aren't you? Mummy isn't good at [whatever]. Some people are not good at being parents. Daddy is not good at being a parent. A good parent should want to see their child and shoudn't do XYZ."

Basically again and again say it is him (Dad), not him (ds). And also this helps to teach him how to be a kind and considerate person (and maybe dad) himself.

My situation is similar for a few reasons...

Personally I would be chasing Dad...

My son saw his Dad till he was 3 contact was not going well but he didn't understand..

I repeatedly told him that it wasn't his fault or anything he had done... I have also told him he wasn't very good at been a Dad...It has taken a few years for him to settle with it..At times I have felt it was a little bit like a revolving door and we weren't getting anywhere but now age 6 he talks about his Dad with no emotion.

I also just talked about how families are differnent, pointed out a some single parent families we knew, also talked about adoption and fostered children.

I also put it firmly back in his Dad's court and said that if Daddy wanted to see him it was something Daddy had to sort out..not something mummy could do...

I also pointed out what he does have the people around him who do love him.

I think you have to judge it on your child..I personally find the simpler the better...

He has asked me why we don't live with Daddy....I told him I made the descision we would be happier living on our own ..I didn't need to tell him about the abuse...

I refuse to lie to let ex off but don't want son to grow up with all this anger and hatred towards his Dad