what do i tell my son when hes older, it was all my fault!

[sazboo2]

ok, so its not something im especially proud of, but i left my ds's "father" when i was....2/3 mths pregnant.
basically we had only been together for a month, maby a month and a half when i found out i was pregnant, obviously i was in a state of panic and shock (i was 23 and very very unmaternal, id not long passed my navy med and phys! so obviously children werent my first thought...)
at this point we werent together. i told him what had happened, expecting him to freak out, and he was suprisingly overjoyed! (his mum....not so much, even heard his friends talking about it on the table next to me while i was waiting for him, saying he was a mug!)
we got back together, i thought we could do it, it would be hard, but he was happy, so i went along with it.
thats when it all started to go wrong.....
i physically couldnt have him near me sexually or even just sat next to me! he annoyed me and i felt suffocated!
not long after my first scan, i went to see my mum and dad in spain for mums 50th, just a weekend suprise for her.
i got back on the plane from alicanti, all was fine, got to manchester, all was fine once id got to salford train station, i had a massive panic attack on the train, rang my mum in floods of tears, because i just couldnt do it anymore1 i hated my situation, and i just needed to be with her (my mum and dad were both army, and im very close to them because of how much dad was away), she sorted me a ticket and in less than eight hours id be back in spain.
i went home to my shared flat, got my stuff and left i told no-one i think id just got myself into auto pilot and needed to get to the airport hotel to be safe, where i knew i was almost home.
(when i got to the hotel i locked the door and sobbed shaking incontrolably 9id also like to point out the girl i was living with was younger than me but extreamly violent despite being my best friend)

i contacted him a couple of weeks later, explaining (mum and dad had sent him a message explaining where i was and what was happening the day after i arrived) and he started threatening me with the court, that he was going to take my child away from me because i was crazy and an unfit mother, two days later, he said he didnt believe the baby was his (the girl i had lived with had told him i had been sleeping with lots of ppl at the same time,i hadnt) and then it went quiet.

i returned to england for my scan to tell me what sex the baby was, and despite me calling the bump paige for months,it was certainly a boy! (gave us a big flash.....) and was a shaking mess all the way in england incase i saw anyone or him it was horrible but i had dad with me so that was some relief

i ended up very ill when we came back in the november (last trimester and dates we could travel) i had gestational diabetes (they kept offering me cake!) and obstetric cholestasis which ended up really bad and i was kept in for the last month and a half! they decided to c-section early (20days) (i was put to sleep upon request why on EARTH would you willingly do that!) and had a lovely and extreamly hungry boy on the 28th feb 2012, with mum and dad the first to hold him and waiting for me in recovery (i came out three hours after he had been unceremoniously pulled out and wee'd on the surgeon)

i sent his dad a picture on facebook, told him what had happened and tried to explain.....nothing
i sent his mum dad step sister etc messages with the pic and told them that whatever had happened between us, i wasnt going to deny my son (oliver) or them a chance for family. nothing
id like to point out, i dont want anything from him, im not interested in maintenance or money.
i know its probably going to sound stalkerish, but if he changes his picture on facebook, i copy it to my photos, just so i can show ollie what his dad looks like, im never going to deny him that, i have written down all the details i have for his dad and family, incase one day it will help him track him down (i would never stop him doing that either, despite the probable outcome...), my only problem, and it haunts me day and night is.....what do i tell him,how do i tell him the reason he doesnt have a dad is because mummy ran away? he'll either be too young when i do, or old enough to hate me

what do i do?

(please excuse the awfull typing, ollie pulled the keys off the laptop today...)

I wouldn't beat yourself up for running away. Sounds like your spidey senses were tingling there. If you'd stayed in a relationship with him, it could all have become really horrible, and who knows- your DS's first memories could have been the 2 of you screaming at each other. Better this way, no?

But many, many people manage to parent a child when they're not in a relationship with the other parent. And this is what you have offered your ex. And it's he who has made the decision not to engage, not you.

I basically did the same thing, but I left the father in Spain and went to the UK, other direction! Another difference is that my DD's father didn't want her and begged me to get an abortion. None of his family or friends know of her existence...and like you I also save his facebook photos and save whatsapp conversations to show her when she'd older.
Neither of us know how the future will unfold, what will our children ask about their fathers, how will they feel? Will we have met someone new by then who will become real fathers to our children? I guess we just don't know, so for me, I'm trying not to think about it. I'll always leave the door open for her father but I have no idea what is going to happen, used to drive me crazy but what can I do?
Ultimately, all we can do is raise our DC as best we can, love them as much as possible and bring them up to be strong, well-adjusted little people, one day I think they'll understand that we did what we had to do.

You were not the only adult who had sex. You are not the only adult who should be stepping up and providing for this child.

You have done far more for your son than he has, he should be feeling guilty, not you.

thanks guys just had to get it off my chest its nice to know im not the only one that had to do it xx

The past is the past. You can't change what has happened. You can change what happens in the future however.

No one is perfect - not you, not your ex, not even me (I know...it's hard to believe ).

People do stupid, irrational selfish things. It's human nature.

But assuming you and your ex want to make sure your DS can have a good childhood it can happen. Children benefit from the input of both parents having a meaningful relationship with them and even more if the parents work together for this to happen.

I think you have done what you could, I would keep trying to make contact. Have you suggested being open to dna testing if he is concerned about paternity?

If he doesn't want to be involved that is ultimately up to him and he will have to explain why to his son one day.

Can't really offer much advice but i am in a similar situation (not the running away but the refusal of Dad to acknowledge DS).

take comfort in the fact that your boy is surrounded by family who want to be there for him and love him, and that he wont have to put up with a resentful father who isn't working half as hard as you to give Ollie a lovely life.

I can't help you with what to tell him, DS is 4 and i still don't know how i will answer the questions that are bound to come soon but don't blame yourself, you've tried to involve him, he is the one who has turned his back.