Please can I vent in the hope that someone wise can tell me what to do.
In the summer, after years of trying to build my life and work post a LOT of life ting happening - the least traumatic of which was splitting from my h - I finally got offered some amazing work opportunities which made me feel like I'd arrived back home at last.
I spent the summer with my dc and doing more firefighting and looking for childcare so that I could hit the ground running come September.
My nanny hasn't worked out and I've lost a lot of the past month fannying about trying to make it work. I'm now without childcare, with looming deadlines and with no help. No family, and dc are old so need tailored childcare including a lot of ferrying around and help with homework. Added to which my younger dd is now ill - she has been for past 2 weeks. I am so stressed and depressed about this all - I can't miss this deadline and have worked so damn hard to get offered this job but I can't see a way that I will be able to do it, I find it so hard to work when she is ill at home as it's a job that requires a lot of concentration,plus I normally work till 8, plus I feel shitty leaving her to languish in front of the TV/computer for days on end. I have cabin fever and I feel like I will NEVER be able to do this right. My mental health is not wildly stable and normally I rely on excercise and the ability to see friends - cos of childcare - to keep me on the straight and narrow. I am now without the ability to do either of these things. Today I briefly found myself feeling utterly despairing and without hope that things will ever improve. I have so much work to do that I need to be like a machine, and I actually feel like I just want to cry all day. The worst is that normally when I have childcare and I feel depressed I can mask it from the dc, now I am with them 24/7 apart from when they are at school and we have an intense and close relationship and I feel like they can feel my despair, and that's not fair on them. They have also been trhough a lot and deserve, not a Mary Poppinsy unrealistic time, but a time without a depressed mother when they are both going through adolescence.
I have been through a LOT and I have been really strong and have been really proud of myself for doing this but I don't know how much I have left.