He is a twat isn't he and I'm not overreacting?

[aliciaflorrick]

Bit of background: I live in France, EX worked in UK. He ended our marriage 1 year ago with a three minute phone call saying he didn't want to be married anymore, blocked me on FB and changed his relationship status to say he was in a relationship with OW. Cancelled my card on our joint account and made it impossible for me to get the wages I earn in the UK paid because I was without a UK account

Since then he's not made much of an effort to see the DCs, he's been to France three times this year, last time he had them it was for two weeks in August in the UK. The last time he visited them in France he screamed at me the next day that he was just a fucking glorified babysitter for me. At that point it was the third (and last Saturday night) he'd had them in five months. He kicked up a big fuss about having them at Christmas, I offered him Christmas afternoon or boxing day and then keep them for a week till after new year. He said he'd probably take them on the 27th. I've been invited on holiday with friends so on the proviso that he'd take the DCs from 27th I've booked to go away 28th to 3rd Jan. I asked for confirmation of the flights booked for the DCs at the end of October, but he hasn't done this. First of all he tried to not have them till 29th December and return them on 5th January but the flight doesn't get in till 6.00 it's over an hour from the airport to home, so it's too late to arrive back the night before the new term.

I've told EX that I will be home by 1.00 on the 3rd Jan and can pick up after that time or any time on 4th. He's only having them for a week. He sent me a budget last month saying he budgeted £500 a month to see the DCs - he didn't see them July, I took them to him August and he hasn't bothered September and October and is not going to come in November or December. The reasons for not wanting to book flights for the DCs is because it will cost an extra £60. The flights for both DCs will come in at under £400. He's emailed the DS2 today to say they won't be seeing him at Christmas because mummy isn't being flexible with the dates! They haven't seen his message yet.

I think the excuse about the price of the flight is just an excuse, he's trying to scupper my holiday plans. I either now take the DCs with me at extra expense - and still don't really get a chance to have a break and a glass of wine and let my hair down, or I stay at home with the DCs.

So after my incredibly long message am I justified in thinking he's a twat? By the time it gets to Christmas he won't have seen the DCs for six months. - He can fly to our local airport for less than £100 if he books it in advance or travel as a foot passenger on the ferry for £100 - so well within the £500 he budgets a month for and doesn't spend.

Of course he's a twat. Can he be shamed into behaving in a decent way? Worked on mine for a bit. And I wouldn't show the DC's that email, either, but I'm a cow.

Does he pay maintenance, at least?

Definite twat, sorry.
(And, 'glorified babysitter'? FFS!)

I can't shame him, he's a textbook narcissist - always the victim, he can put a self-centred spin on anything.

In his email to the DCs one of the reasons he's stated that he can't come to see them is because he's used up all his holiday so would have to take unpaid leave to come visit them and he suggests that maybe mummy would like to take them to the airport one Friday so they can visit him for the weekend. The thing is, I'm self-employed, Friday is my busiest day and it means I have to take the day off, so not get paid, use up petrol I can't afford to use. Incidentally he's on nearly £40K a year, I earn £10-12K a year depending on whether the economy is feeling buoyant that month or not, and the only benefits I'm entitled to are child benefit and free healthcare.

Other excuses he gives them are that he can't afford it, then in the same conversation/email tells them that he's just bought a new Apple laptop, iphone 5, got his teeth bleached, is going to take OW and her daughter to Glastonbury. DCs don't say anything to him but when they come off the phone they'll say something like, is it expensive to get your teeth bleached? Or I thought iPhones were really expensive. It's such a shame that at such a young age he isn't the hero figure to them that he should be.

He pays the absolute legal minimum of maintenance he can get away with and refuses to help with anything, in the past when I've asked for 50% of a 250 euro school trip he said DS1 would have to miss it. I have to cover all the after school activities, clothes, food, it's a private school (not as expensive as UK private) but still over 200 euros a month. Even Christmas, I covered all the presents last year and he rocked up with a couple of t-shirts from Gap. Ate the food I bought and cooked on Christmas Day and spent the day sitting with his iPad on my sofa slagging me off to the OW.

DCs have eight week summer holidays, I took them to the UK so they could be with XH for two weeks and asked him for help with the other two weeks, which would technically be his 50% of the holidays. That's when I got the ranty email with the over inflated budget saying he spent £500 a month to visit the DCs, blah, blah, blah. That budget comes back to bite him on the bum every month now.

I was going to suggest to him that as it's about £150 a flight to France at the moment, he could still take a day's unpaid leave and visit the DCs and it would be in his £500 budget. Just for the joy of getting the ranty email in response.

XH has spun it so much in his head, that I'm the evil ex-wife and he's the poor innocent victim. He's just pissed me off tonight because he's sent the DCs an email trying to make mummy out to be the one who's preventing them from seeing him.

Sorry my posts are long, but it's very cathartic sharing this with someone. Even if it is an anonymous person on a screen.

He's a twat.

Yes he is and no you're not. Glorified babysitter, for his OWN KIDS? Words fail me.

How does it work with the legals if you live in different countries?

It sounds like your son's are already working out for themselves that he's a waste of space.

He should be happy after spending time with them not winging about being a'glorified babysitter'. Sounds like a disgusting excuse of a man from the way he's treated you all.

Many thanks. We've done all the legals through the English courts, so the divorce and Consent Order have all been finalised there, and as I said, it's only £150 at the most to pop across to London on a plane, so if push came to shove I could come back to take legal proceedings against him. I now have a registered address in the UK too.

He caused a big stink because I wouldn't let the DCs go to the UK for Christmas, but I said if he came here he could take them after lunch on Christmas Day and keep them till after New Year, so the lion's share of the school holiday. He's managed to manipulate and change it, so now he's not having them at all but it's all my fault because I've dared to have a seven day holiday and he would have to keep his own DCs till 3rd January. I think he had no intention of having the DCs at all, but just wanted to create a drama. He's good at that.

The DCs still haven't read their email, I think in the morning I might have a little chat with them about not getting their hopes up to visit daddy at Christmas like he promised, because he's struggling to take the time off work to be with them and he hasn't got enough money for the flights, but not to worry because his new holiday year starts in January so I'm sure he'll try and see them as soon as possible after 1st January. I don't want to bad mouth him to them but I don't want him to portray himself as a victim because of my actions, when at the end of the day he's in a situation of his own choosing and making.

Not sure how old they are but he sounds like an absolute arse and they seem to be starting to put 2 and 2 together with the questions about XYZ being expensive. I wouldn't be telling them anything that could conflict with what they are starting to realise about him. "I'm sorry I don't know when you'll see him" isn't badmouthing him, it is the truth.

Sometimes very unreasonable people hook up with very, very reasonable people who take great pains to be fair and do the right thing. I'm not trying to critisice you but to say put yourself and the dc first. Now is the time to start giving up hope of him being a decent co-parent IMO.

It's crap but sometimes you can't rely on the other parent and just have to plan your life like dc are your responsibility 24/7.

I don't know how old they are as my son 6 isn't thinking of xmas yet...

and if they are yes you do need to start preparing them if they think it will happen but your explanation sounds like you are trying to make excuses for him...I was not suggesting you tell them the title of the post "he is a twat" but if he is one day they will work it out for themselves and wonder why you colluded with him.

They're 11 and 9 (but the 11 year old has ASD so has to be handled carefully) and they are thinking about seeing their dad at Christmas because they're missing him and he told them that would be the next time he saw them. I heard DS2 ask him if he was definitely going to see him at Christmas when he was speaking to him on the phone last week and EX replied probably.

Now he hasn't even had the balls to tell them personally that he won't be seeing them and he's sent a bloody email. We already call him peanut balls in our family because he didn't have the balls to end a 17 year marriage face to face or tell me he was seeing someone else, and it seems they haven't grown since then because now he hasn't got the balls to tell two little boys he won't be having them to stay with him after all.

He is a massive twat but agree with pp that with men like this you have to abandon co parenting and assume permanent responsibility. My exh is a pain for slightly different reasons. The way I handle him is that I don't take on anything I can't do independently. Then if he helps out great but if he lets us down the kids won't know the difference. I me they relish us relying on them then they can use the potential let down as a means of control and or making us v stressed

Well they read his email last night and actually weren't bothered at all about not seeing their dad at Christmas, they just started making plans for the things we could all do together.

I was surprised they reacted like that I always thought daddy was a hero, but I think as he often says one thing to them and does another they've just emotionally braced themselves to be let down by him.

I don't co-parent with him, I can't see the point, he doesn't follow anything through. Even my holiday at Christmas which he thinks he's buggering up by me having to keep the boys, I was only going on because I didn't want to be alone at New Year. Now I save money and have my lovely boys with me, win:win.

That's the way to look at it - and I'd be tempted to send an email saying "The boys understand perfectly how hard it is for you to organise yourself, and pay, to travel to see them - we had a lovely chuckle about your joke that it was because I wasn't being flexible. But they really laughed when I suggested you might spend the £500 you save by not bothering every month on Christmas presents!"