oh the things people say

[BlackeyedSusan]

this deserved a

friend's dp is away for 5/7 nights for a week or two...

other friend..."it is hard doing it on your own for so many nights"

me: hang on... this is what i do all the time....

I don't think anyone has said that married people should Pollyanna their way through life or that they are not somehow 'allowed' to have their times of feeling overwhelmed/knackered etc. But it's a bit much for them to compare themselves to single parents, especially in these days of Skype etc - even if their wives or husbands are away for a few days, I bet they still talk to them about the kids and if there are any worries or issues that have come up. They really are not going it alone.

Just thought about something else: I consider that I am pretty self-sufficient and can deal with most things on my own. But what I find tricky is not so much the problems - perhaps because I'm so busy trying to find a way around them that I don't have time to consider emotions - but the good times. You know, if my son comes home from school with a little award for something, or scores goals in football, or does well at whatever it is, I feel somehow as though just me on my own is not enough recognition for that. It's irrational, I know, but I still feel that there is something missing for him, and that makes me sad.

My friend's H works away two nights at a time. She would never claim to be like a single parent on those days as she has seen her sister bring up 2 DC on her own. My friend knows that she is lucky that her H will be home at the weekend.

I had a friend recently who went on a hen weekend. She said she cried because she missed her DP and 2 DD's so much. I said welcome to my world, I do that EOW when DD is with her dad......

I never wanted to be a single mum, my XH walked out on me. I now have to work full time (self employed, so evenings and weekends as well), run the house (badly, it is a complete tip as no time to do anything) and bring up 5yo DD with no support from XH as he considers that seeing her EOW is all he can do. I am the one running around doing school runs, working, then any after school things like Rainbows. He refuses to take any time off work to see her in the holidays or after school..

There is nobody to talk to, nobody to discuss anything with, nobody to share problems with. Even if your H is away all week, then you can pick up the phone and discuss your day and DC's day. You can get opinions on things, you can get emotional support. As a single parent, you have none of these things.

But in the above example they didn't compare themselves to single parents? Just said it was hard. Which it is.

I have been both and I have to say, once stbxh moved out I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Yes, I have to put the bins out and sort out the bills and money isn't as plentiful as it was, but the difference is that now I get to decide how its spent , I get to choose which car I drive, what I eat, whether I'm visiting family this weekend, whether my kids would love a holiday, whether to sit down and watch TV or tidy the kitchen.

My X stayed away for 2-3 weeks at a time for about a year and then often stayed away for 2-3 days so I have seen it from many different perspectives.

Yes it is hard coping on your own, but knowing that H would be home at the weekend didn't make it any easier for me, it meant I had to frantically clean and tidy so that he wouldn't come home and complain about what I hadn't done, it meant that I had to plan meals that he would approve of and that the children had to be on their best behaviour so as not to stress him out.

He spent the whole time he was home hiding in his office 'catching up on paperwork' and we never went anywhere because he was just happy to be at home (even though I'd been there solidly for weeks as I didn't have spare money, even for petrol to go anywhere else).

I often said I felt like a single parent but without the perks of independence, dating new men and the occasional night off when the kids stay with their dad.

Now as a single mum I have all that, a great boyfriend, some time to myself, financial autonomy and someone else who is equally responsible for looking after my DCs, which allowed me a kid-free weeks holiday with my BF earlier in the year (as well as a family holiday with them all).

I know which I'd rather be!

im sorry and call me unfair if you want, but im sticking to what i said.
i too was on the other side of the fence before dp died. i was with him for nearly 5 years, was my first ever partner, my soulmate. he worked 7 til 7 every day and did overtime to make ends meet with an ever increasing mortgage. i did practically everything with the kids hed just put them to bed.
but it still isnt as hard as being a single parent. yeah as a couple we had our issues but id give my right arm to have that again. to have someone to go home to, to share the kids milestones and achievements with, to spend xmas and new year with, to be able to hand over to someone if it gets too much. that person to love me and to whom i can connect with. thats the difference.
so sorry, but im quite rightfully patronised by people who whinge about not getting a 'push present' for giving birth, or that their husbands didnt put the bloody seat down!
bet they havent had to tell their kids daddys never coming home.

flame me if you like im entitled to feel that way.

honey86 - "to have someone to go home to, to share the kids milestones and achievements with, to spend xmas and new year with, to be able to hand over to someone if it gets too much. that person to love me and to whom i can connect with. thats the difference. "

yes, this :(

Nobody's going to flame you Honey, you were lucky to have a great relationship with a man you loved and who loved you back. So sorry that he died, nothing can ever compare to that.

For those of us whose relationships were not so happy though (like the abusive twat) we really are better off out of it, managing perfectly well to do the work of 2 parents most of the time, because the other parent didn't pull their weight and was more of a hindrance than a help.

I think its this view of a relationship that doesn't stack up for some of us:

to have someone to go home to

X was rarely at home and when he was, he was too busy to spend time with me and the DCS

to share the kids milestones and achievements with

He wasn't really interested in milestones, he would sit through a "star pupil" assembly if he had time off, checking his watch and huffing that he could have been at the gym instead.

to spend xmas and new year with

he hated Xmas and ignored new year, moaned about how much it all cost and having to visit family, didn't like festive food and never helped with buying gifts etc, it was all my job.

to be able to hand over to someone if it gets too much

if he was ever there at the point when he was needed, he wouldn't have taken over or if he did he would have handled things in a totally OTT manner, shouting and getting rough with DS so I'd rather he hadn't.

that person to love me and to whom i can connect with

He didn't know how to love me and we didn't connect about anything towards the end.

`At least you get to see him'.

I was told by a lot of people when my son was allowed to see me in a contact centre for one hour a week.