5 yr old has tantrum

[sebnem]

i am a single parent to a 5 yr old dd. we broke up with her father a couple of yrs ago through violence, after that me and her we lived in refuges long time till we got our own place.
during all these phases i think i couldnt dicipline her enough, and sometimes i feel so upset.
the last event today happened like that:
everyday after school she wants to go to a play ground which is very close to school.
i feel responsible, i feel she needs to take out some energy so i let her go there, we stay everyday about an hour me watching her all the time. we live in a flat we dont have garden so i think she needs such play time.
some days after play when i say 'we going now' she screams a bit, she doesnt want to go home.
but today she made horrible.
she was at the top of slide screaming, crying, making everbody look at us.
after some time i had to climb the stairs to take her. she came down, but till going to home she screamed, cried. btw we had a 5 min shop visit too where she cried too.
she cried everwhere.
i cant explain how much that upset me.
till this age she did that scream and cry at least 6-7 times on the streets till home.
thats horrible.
now i feel so angry and upset.
when i say what u did was horrible, she cries 'i dont want to be horrible' till home.
now i dont like to go out with her.
recently i got her a byke but i dont know how i will take her to park and teach her to ride.
i came to a position i dont like to go out with her, especially to parks.
anybody has any idea??????

She's had a hard time. Not your fault at all - you were very brave - but she had a really hard time. So it's not surprising that sometimes she's vulnerable and emotional.I really don't think this is because you didn't discipline her enough. Think discipline is totally overrated. She is still very little. Her emotions are very powerful. It's ok to cry and be disappointed, though i know how horrible it feels. She sounds really normal. Does she have a friend from school she could invite to play with in the park? Maybe take a picnic?

How rough for you. It's really unpleasant having to walk home with a screaming child. Don't worry though, you've been through a tough time and dealt with things as you had to do.

I agree completely with you about children needing a chance to run around after school. What do you do when it's time to leave the playground? I warn my children that we're about to leave by telling them to choose the last toy they want to play on (no point telling them we're leaving in 5min because they just don't get that) and once they've played on that toy for a couple of minutes we leave. That's it - no just one more. They need to know that I mean what I say.

It's really really difficult to keep your cool when they're screaming and refusing, but that's just what you have to do. If you don't react to it, if you're totally boring about it, then there's no reason for them to scream. It's a waste of energy and eventually they stop. Also if they know they won't get what they want by screaming, then there's no point screaming and they don't try it on for long. So you've got to be really strong and not give in to the screaming. It's like blackmail - pay up once and the blackmailer knows he's got you under his thumb.

One last thing. Sometimes I get to the end of my tehter and say something like that (about doing something horrible) to my dd. She's only 3, but I get the same reaction fromher as you do from your dd. I think they don't make the connection between their behaviour and the upset it causes others. They just think, if I scream I'll get what I want. So to be told they, or their behaviour, is horrible must be very upsetting. I try to bite my tongue, but hey - I'm just an ordinary human mum!

HTH - sorry to waffle on for so long.

thanks a lot for yr messages and sharing this pain with me.
i do the same, i tell her 5 min bfore that we are leaving, and for example tell her do yr last slide.
she usually has such tantrums when we are out, infront of people. she knows that i cant do much there, for example i cant put her at a naughty/time out corner there. instead i try to tell her we will talk about it at home, that means she will go time out corner at home because of what she done.
but she doesnt get anything when she is having tantrum.
the other thing that comes to my mind is she is tired after the school in fact. half an hour play should be enough, but she doesnt want to leave some of her friends there, so do we have to wait till everybody decides to go? it is funny. i wouldnt want to programme us according to others.
she has some friends, but we are not inviting each other yet. everbody seems to be on their own. instead of inviting nowadays its nice weather and we prefer to meet at parks, or go out together.
i hope we will get there when she will be listening to me, cos its really difficult now.
when i feel angry/upset it doesnt just go away, it really takes time. cos thats been going on couple of yrs now, and i have explained her many times that it upsets me very much.
thanks again!

Hmm. Don't know what else to suggest. You're right, I think, about how long you should stay at the park - it should be the length of time that works for you, not others. Maybe your dd gets over-excited and over-tired? Maybe you need to stay for a shorter time, and rewarding her somehow for leaving without a fuss. It's very hard to break a habit, which is really what you want her to do.

Is there a topic she likes a lot - horses, Barbie, something like that? Could you get some stickers in those themes, and use them for rewards? 'If you leave the park with me without making a fuss, you will get a special sticker to wear on your shirt on the way home.' perhaps, and then a few days later 'If we get to the traffic lights (or whatever suitable landmark) without any fussing, you will get another sticker' etc. Something to encourage her to give up tantrumming for another reward instead.

This is just off the top of my head, I hope other Mumsnetters will have more ideas how to help you help her overcome the tantrums.

offering you lots of empathy as i have a 5 year old who(following a similar background) also has temper tantrusm like the ones you describe.

my top tips are to use the "count to five rule".
when she is doing somehting you dont want her to ask her to stop, if she doesnt count backwards from 5. when you get to 1 you remove her from what she was doing and punish her....whether that is to put her ona a naughty step or remove a toy etc

start using this a lot so that she understands counting backwards from 5. then introduce this at the park. when your getting ready to go tell her "we need to go in 5 minutes DD" then in a short while tel her " we need to go in 4 minutes" and so on until you get to one minute. then you say ok we need to go now and get up to leave.

hopefully she will have had enough warning so as she knows to finish playing. if she creates you simply say that "if you keep this up XX(insert punishment)XXX will happen" then if she continues again start to use the count backwards from 5 rule. if after you reach 5 walk away. try your hardest not to look back. if at all possible get to a place where you can see her but she cannot see you. she will think you really have left her and follow. try not to give her any extra attention. when she catches up with you simply continue walking, take no notice of her being with you.
after a minute or so you can say something like thank you for walking so nicely or well done your walking very well.

bascily ignore the bad and praise teh good.

i know its oncredibly difficult especially when in public as you thin the whole world is watching you....they probably are, and thinking of the times when their own childrn have had tantrums like that and are just glad its someone else's turn for a change.

We have all been there and we have all had times when we justw ant to tear our hair out with frustration.

good luck and i hope this technique works for you, it has for me.

thanks a lot PrettyCandles, Fattiemumma, Bibliophile for sharing that problem with me and thanks for your nice advices .