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Original poster

Can he stop this?

15 replies

BeTheChangeYouWantToSee · 17/09/2013 09:15

DS 3yrs is about to start preschool. Exp invited to attend viewings, he didn't pitch up. He's known about this for months that i wanted ds to start (ds asking to go to school since feb) though admittedly I was slow to arrange viewings because of drama exp was causing so its been a quick process since viewing and my ds starting. Ex now saying he doesn't give permission for ds to go to preschool. I'm ignoring as it's his usual controlling, dominating stance to let me follow a road then blockade the finish line. He abuses his PR all the time to control us. I'm exhausted :-(

OP posts:
TheWinterOne · 17/09/2013 09:26

I don't think so but I'm not legal. I know if he has PR he's supposed to be consulted about what nursery you want DS to start. Not sure if he can block it though - especially if DS has started and is relishing his time there.

Again, I'm not a legal bird though so hopefully someone with more knowledge will come along again soon. It may be worth you posting in legal too if your worried he may do this.

lostdad · 17/09/2013 09:33

As TheWinterOne says - as he as PR (but you are likely the primary carer) you have a legal obligation to consult him. Which in an ideal world means discuss with him and come to an agreement.

He's likely being an arse and don't pander to him. That said, be the better person, be constructive and child-focused and put the question back to him - what does he consider in your DD's best interests and what is he going to do to facilitate it?

If he's controlling he'll probably feel a bit deflated when you say `OK...what do you think then?' and not be able to come up with an answer.

veryconfusedatthemoment · 17/09/2013 10:02

I will be going through this for secondary school, especially as I want to move 150 miles away. My solicitor has advised me that if we cannot agree you go to court. Great :( This joint PR really doesn't work does it? One person needs to be able to make a decision and move the family life on.

TheBakeryQueen · 17/09/2013 10:44

In theory yes, in reality, no.

Do the whole routine of consulting him etc, via text, email, letter but then carry on as you are.

If he has a problem let him go to a solicitor. Any decent solicitor will advise him against court & court would take a dim view of his behaviour especially in the light of your reasonable written consultation.

Just humour the twat! But take his words with a pinch of salt.

cestlavielife · 17/09/2013 12:06

if you have evidence he was invited to viewings and he showed no interest then just ignore - is he going to turn up and try and take him out? if possibilit then warn the preschool. they cant stop him but they can be sure to call you...

does he have valid strong argument from him not goingto rpeschool?

if he were to be silly enough to take it to court he would need a strong reason why not in best interest of ds .

Lonecatwithkitten · 17/09/2013 13:12

I am in a similar situation with secondary schools. I have decided to tell ExH that if he wants to stop me then go to court.

It is so easy for them to just keeping saying no. Pre-School will benefit your DC and a court would see this and that you have tried to involve him, but he don't take you up on it.
I would suspect that both of us will find that when told take me to court they will back down as they don't feel strongly enough to pay the money.

betterthanever · 17/09/2013 14:13

This sums it up very well from lostdad : If he's controlling he'll probably feel a bit deflated when you say `OK...what do you think then?' and not be able to come up with an answer.

My ex would do this when I was pregnant all the time - I suggested something/anything about the unborn baby and his responses were; I don't like that, I don't want that etc. but never once would he give alternative suggestions when I said nothing was set in stone and I was happy to discuss it.

Op has he given an alternative suggestion? that was what struck me first.. I wondered what he was thinking your DS should do during that time instead? that is the real issue - he may have but I doubt it a very good alternative.

lostdad · 17/09/2013 14:50

One of my friends (a mum) once asked me what to do about her ex who had vanished off the face of the earth for years and suddenly reappeared demanding contact, hinting she was stopping the kids seeing him.

I advised her to write to him asking about his contact proposals....and she never got a response.

Original poster
BeTheChangeYouWantToSee · 17/09/2013 23:10

Thank you for your replies and experiences. Much appreciated! I'm sorry for those in similar situations :-(

I received an email today with his 'better' suggestion.

He wants me to home school the kids or send them to a free school at the other side of the county (I don't drive ergo he has total control) , I'm not against home schooling but as a single parent this is impossible financially as IS would stop once both children hit school age presumably. I'm not on IS as I have a p/t job but I actually couldn't afford not to be in F/t employment when children are of school age. I feel strongly that I need to build a career of some sort so I can provide for the children so being at home is just not a viable option.

He doesn't work (odd jobs here abs there since dc born but usually fired or walks out pretty quickly) and has always been financially abusive (even now deducts money from maint if I do not do as he says ) so I suspect this is actually about me needing to rely on him for either school pick ups or financially as I wouldn't be working.

He wouldn't h/s as he doesn't cope that well with both the children, has untreated and years old mental health issues, and to be honest he has never committed to anything in his entire life (two failed degrees, walked out on and has barely provided for two children) so I couldn't trust him with our children's education anyway.

We've been discussing preschool since April so him suddenly finding a alternative on the day DS begins is laughable and total reflection of him just attempting to blockade this at the last minute and throw his PR weight around. He try's to stop us on every PR right and argues black if I suggest white every time there's a discussion involving DC Hmm

DS loved his session today :-) totally thrived! I'm so so proud! And he can't wait to go back. I'm only starting him on two sessions a week so ex argument of me abandoning our son to a fundamentally flawed education system is pretty out there. Apparently I'm following the flock as I always do and not working in DS' best interest Confused DS asked to go to school, what lesson would I be teaching DS if I didn't listen and act upon his perfectly reasonable request. I'm child led in pretty much everything and want my children to know I love and respect their views.

Preschool are on side and said they would support DS in whatever way they can.

So stressful Confused has massive anxiety that he was going to physically stop us going today which was tough. Tried so hard to mask it from he children but they are little emotion sponges aren't they so they were on edge for a while this morning. I wish with all my heart I wasn't putting them through this.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 18/09/2013 10:55

how old is your other child?

unless he settingpout how HE is going to home school or transport to from the free school then you just laugh it off. smile and wave.

Let him bluster and tell him calmly that if he feels so strongly he can make a case and go to court for specific order issue.

you know ds loved his sesison, you know it is the right thing.

(my exp always had/has bright ideas - but he would never follow thru and if i foolishly followed his plan i would end up doing whatever it was with no help - have learned to ignore and say "yes that's a nice idea i will look into it" then ignore...)

cestlavielife · 18/09/2013 10:57

ps you are not putting them thru this - you are doing the right thing ina tough situation. if he has had MH issues (like my exP) just keep on remembering that these ideas of his are maybe some kind of manic and delusional phase and YOu ahve to take charge and make long term and short term deicsions that are going to work for you and DC - and wont end up you relying on him... it is not about him.

Original poster
BeTheChangeYouWantToSee · 18/09/2013 15:27

Great advice Cest. Our exps sound similar.

Just got a solicitor letter on his behalf from the same firm I've been getting advice from and who said would represent me!!!!! That's not right is it?

He wants to stop is from going on holiday to see my mother (my birth country) I've posted about it before on here. It also goes on to say he sees children 3-5 days per week which is a huge exaggeration!!! He's gearing up for residency isn't he? I can't stand him :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
BeTheChangeYouWantToSee · 18/09/2013 15:28

DD is 22 months

OP posts:
Labro · 19/09/2013 14:35

As others have said, listen, ask for their point of view in writing, then carry on as before. They would need to prove in court that your decisions are not in the best interest of the child and a judge woulsd fall of their chair laughing at someone trying to stop a child going to preschool (especially as the expectation from the government is that everybody will be in work even with pre school age children!)

starlight1234 · 19/09/2013 20:58

My advise is reduce communication with him... If he is withholding maintenance from you consider the CSA.. I imagine the idea of homeschooling is to keep you in the house and nothing to do with your child

Glad your little one enjoyed himself..And the reasons that people do the same thing is that it does work for the majority...

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