Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Child support related - Ex saying he's not the father

23 replies

lottieandmia · 10/09/2013 13:40

The CSA have been working on a case for child support for my 4 year old dd for the past 4 months or so. They have finally got to a point where they have calculated how much he has to pay and I have now received a telephone call to say he is disputing parentage!! He knows full well dd is his so I don't know why he would do this as he will have to pay for the test.

My question is, what will happen if he does not turn up to his appointment for the test? I have agreed for my dd to have one (which will no doubt mean I'll have to take her out of school for it Angry)

OP posts:
mumandboys123 · 10/09/2013 17:21

If he does not turn up, he will be presumed to be the father and the CSA will enforce payment of maintenance. He will only get one chance - after that, he'll need to get a judge to order a test and my experience is such that the judge told my ex no when he heard he had refused a CSA test after denying paternity.

Yes, you'll have to take her out of school. It's a doctor's appointment and that's all you need to say at school. You can ask your doctor to be discreet - call it a test to see if she's OK 'cos mummy has had a nasty bug and we want to check you don't have it. He won't be there at the same time as you so don't worry about that.

It will be fine. Just get it out the way and push forwards.

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 10/09/2013 17:28

In my case Cellmark sent the test to the GP's and I made the appointment myself when it was convenient.

I think they gave us a time limit of three weeks to get it one iirc.

ex had to re-do his as the original sample was contaminated but I've no idea how/what with. seemed suspicious to me but I'm always cynical when it comes to ex!

DS was a baby but it was quick and easy. I did need to a photo of him though.

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 10/09/2013 17:28

In my case Cellmark sent the test to the GP's and I made the appointment myself when it was convenient.

I think they gave us a time limit of three weeks to get it one iirc.

ex had to re-do his as the original sample was contaminated but I've no idea how/what with. seemed suspicious to me but I'm always cynical when it comes to ex!

DS was a baby but it was quick and easy. I did need to a photo of him though.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 10/09/2013 18:43

Thanks for your replies. The CSA person said she thinks he's just saying this to delay paying now that he can see it's going to happen. I agreed to dd having the test right away of course. I am thinking he will not agree to the test once he finds out he has to pay for it though!

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 10/09/2013 18:45

I assume they have to give the sample in the presence of the doctor so they can't mess up the test?

OP posts:
CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 10/09/2013 18:48

Double posting everwhere tonight!

Yes, he will have to pay if it comes back a match. Also, he will have to backdate his pay to when you opened the case so he's being a real idiot if he thinks this will buy him a few free months!

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 10/09/2013 18:50

Yes - he will have to take ID and the doctor will take the sample. But his was contaminated. I googled it and saw lots of places offering advice on how to do that but I have no idea if he did it on purpose or not. I've no idea why he would want to as it's obvious they'd just ask for another sample.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 10/09/2013 18:53

Even his family believe that she is his and are friends with me on FB so they can keep up with her photos. Advice on how to contaminate samples? Shock

OP posts:
CrackerSnacker · 10/09/2013 18:56

My ex did this,though once he realised he'd have to pay for the test if he was the father, he admitted parentage. I reckon it was to try and get me to drop the case so he didn't have to pay. Shameful behaviour - not only calling me a promiscuous liar but denying a child whom he had been regularly seeing. I will never forgive him for this.

Hope it gets resolved quickly Lottie.

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 10/09/2013 19:19

Yes. Of all the shit he did it was that that hurt the most. It was the implication that I was some slut who slept around that truly cut deepest.

My face burned with shame as I took my baby DS to be swabbed but luckily the GP was great. I was nervously stuttering out something about him knowing full well there was no one else etc and she really put me at ease with a bit of 'useless men' bashing :)

betterthanever · 10/09/2013 19:21

I wonder if they think they are first person that has thought up this `scam' to try and avoid paying towards thier DC?
Mine did the same - almost five years ago now - he was asked to take a DNA test, he refused, he was presumed the father - took about four months from denial to presumption back dated the four months payment (not that that matters as he has never paid it yet).

My ex didn't stop there.. oh no.... he thought he could still run - and after claiming to be unemployed - then claming benefits on and off, claming to `live off family and friends' and to live at different addresses, not get the letters etc. etc. the CSA got to the truth (after about three years) they took him to court.

Angry about this, he decides he wants to play daddy and turns up on my doorstep - angry! terrified my DS and I had to get the police involved and then solicitors. He then got legal aid and took me to court - I work I had to pay for a lawyer... to this day my DS refuses to see him mainly due to that first incident.

But this is my point OP - when he took me to court he rewrote history, he said he had only just found out about his DS WTF!!! Luckily I had all the paperwork from the CSA (amongst other things) and his refusal to take a DNA test he was now asking for - please keep a log of all this - I never thought I would be in a position where as the person who has cared for my DS, I pay to protect him and the person who pays no child support (he has just been taken back to court by the CSA a few months ago), pays no income tax - gets money given to him to get back at me.

I would still rather be me than him.. he can lie all his wants, scrounge all he wants, I can hold my head up high and I have a beautiful DS to boot Smile one that at his tender age sees straight though my exp.

I was really hurt when he first said he was not the father but as another poster put - it says a lot, it is something you can never forgive. There is no way back from that - it is shameful.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 10/09/2013 19:58

I think they'll say anything to wriggle out of any responsibility tbh. My ex couldn't possibly hurt me any more than he has already done - I am not even surprised he has denied paternity. He is not from the UK so I expect at some point he will bugger off anyway but I know he has trouble finding work in his home country. If he's here working I will try to get some money for my dd.

My ex is a very unpleasant, angry man. The last I heard from him was an abusive email which he sent because he learned his family had been in contact with me to ask about dd that went something like 'You are a fing ct - leave me alone don't make problems for me, fk you, you'd better be careful'. At that point I realised he had clearly never loved me as he had said and it was all lies. betterthanever - my dad was concerned that he might try to turn up like your ex did and didn't want me to make a claim because of it.

OP posts:
betterthanever · 11/09/2013 09:18

lottie keep safe and keep copies of all his correspondence in case you feel it necessary to go to the police regarding these threats.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 11/09/2013 10:57

I haven't heard from him in a very long time but he is violent and has a bad temper so I am wary. He is a long way from where we live though thankfully.

One thing I wondered about - what happens if he sends one of his friends to do the DNA test instead of him so that the sample won't match dds?

OP posts:
TheGirlFromIpanema · 11/09/2013 11:03

They'll need proper photo ID with them.

Express your concerns to CSA though, get it noted that you are worried he will try and send someone else. That way if the test comes back negative you can ask for another on that basis I would assume.

awakemysoull · 11/09/2013 11:03

My ex is the same. He denied dd from the start. I chased him via csa and he still denied parentage. He was ordered to pay for and take a dna test. He refused so csa pursued him for money. I was given £1.25 a fortnight because he was on benefits and the money was spilt between 10 women. He had 9 other children that he didn't see or provide for. I had no idea about this until after dd was born.

They will take a photo of him when he does the test and you will be able to see it if there is any queries. It's very difficult to send someone else in your place.

Let him pay for it and embarrass himself. Hes just trying to get out of paying any money for his child. Absolute waste of space.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 11/09/2013 11:56

I've just called the CSA and they say he will have to show photo ID to prove who he is. It's sad that there are so many men out there like this. Obviously I won't tell dd what the test is for. Tbh I imagine he will not even do the test when he finds out he has to pay for it.

OP posts:
betterthanever · 11/09/2013 13:16

lottie I very much doubt he will take the DNA test. He will still think he can get out of it - you just keep yourself safe. The CSA issue may go on for a long time, if you can I would plan as much as you can for managing without the money. The CSA get a lot of stick but in my case they have actually been very good but it all takes time. Take care.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 11/09/2013 13:29

Thanks better - you too Smile. Tbh I've managed without the money for 4 years and so anything I do get for her from him will be a bonus, even if it's one payment. I must say that the CSA have been really good in this case - all they had to go on was his place of work and dob and they have managed to trace him and they've really kept on the case. If I don't get anything it won't be for lacking of trying on their part. He will have built up substantial arrears and for that reason I doubt he'll stay here and pay month after month.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 11/09/2013 13:39

When it comes to money though, even the most 'reasonable' people can behave badly. My ex husband, who is the father of my older two girls, sees them a lot and who I am on reasonably good terms with set up a payment system for them when we split up, then suddenly stopped paying one day. When I asked him about it he said he needed to pay off his credit cards Hmm. Then he said he thought he had been paying too much. I ended up having to go to the CSA and because of his non-compliance with them they eventually got a DEO and the amount they calculated for him to pay was more than he originally paid anyway! I never ever thought he would do this. But at least in his case he has a good, stable job and so far I've received the agreed payment each month. But I was very surprised at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 17/10/2013 12:41

Ok, so today I finally received a letter to say that he has refused to take the DNA test and that they have therefore presumed parentage. I guess he was just trying to spin things out or thought if he said he's not the father he won't have to pay.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/10/2013 12:50

What a good outcome OP - I hope this means you will get some of the money now.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 17/10/2013 13:10

Thanks Hearts - I hope so too. I expect he will disappear when he knows they will take money off him. But the CSA certainly have done their best in this case.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread