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Original poster

Ex's behaviour

14 replies

Needadviceandfast · 08/09/2013 19:40

Not sure how/where to start as there are so many issues. Just wondered if anyone has any idea about how to deal with it when an ex's parenting skills are way below par. Do I just have to suck it up and accept that's the way things are? Or should I lay down the law but know whilst doing so that he is likely to kick off and do things like withhold maintenance payments and be really grumpy with the children?

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MrsMcEnroe · 08/09/2013 19:46

When you say that his parenting skills are way below par - is he neglectful? Is he endangering your children's health or safety? Because no amount of maintenance payments can make up for a healthy, safe child ....

Alamai · 08/09/2013 19:51

Depends - if its a safety/welfare issue (a proper welfare issue not just McDonald's every night and 2 hours late to bed) then you have to do something and probably something quite drastic like impose supervised contact only.

If not then its harder. What's the issue?

Go to the CSA about the money - he should be paying no matter what your disagreements.

Original poster
Needadviceandfast · 08/09/2013 19:54

Things like.... Introducing them to loads of women (I estimate over 20 in 5 years since we split) without regard of the effect it has on them. Spending the time that the children are in his care either chatting/texting women on his phone or laptop or skypeing them. Having 'friends' around to stay when the children are with him (1 night a fortnight) meaning there isn't enough bed space and they either have to sleep in with him or with each other. Their basic needs are met but I'm worried about the long term effect his behaviour has on them.

Not sure if I'm being ott....

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MrsMcEnroe · 08/09/2013 19:57

Hhhhmmm I'm on the fence still.... how old, and what gender(s), are the children?

MissMarplesBloomers · 08/09/2013 19:58

Blimey no YANBU but one night a fortnight isn;t enough for him to develop a good parenting style anyway. Could he do daytimes only and have maybe a day at a weekend & one mid week tea time ?

How old are your children?

Original poster
Needadviceandfast · 08/09/2013 20:03

Thanks for the replies... They are 8 year old triplets, all girls. He has no interest in seeing them any more often - he used to have them for 2 nights but I asked to reduce it to one as they were going to bed stupidly late (after 10pm) both nights and it took me until midweek to get them back to normal again. When I suggesting reducing it he was fine about it, almost relieved.

I've suggested him seeing them during the week as he doesn't work full time/normal hours but there's always an excuse - basically he sees them as a hindrance. I've known this for ages but I'm worried that they are going to pick up on it soon if they haven't done already.

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MrsMcEnroe · 08/09/2013 20:17

OK - yes, I would have the same concerns as you re. 8-year-old triplets, and I don't think you're being ott.

If they are 8 years old they are probably old enough to have picked up on his indifference already - have any of them mentioned anything? Do they enjoy spending time with him?

Original poster
Needadviceandfast · 08/09/2013 20:57

Yes they have told me that all he does when they're there is talk on his phone or laptop/Skype. They go through phases of wanting to go there - sometimes they say they don't want to but other times are happy to. A couple of months ago he said to one of them that he wasn't having a good weekend because they were there - she only told me a few weeks later, poor little thing.

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MissMarplesBloomers · 08/09/2013 20:59

I would be tempted to stop access and use the CSA for your money.

Access visits are for the good of the children NOT the father, and it seems that the situation is far from ideal no wonder you are worried!

Have you taken legal advice?

Original poster
Needadviceandfast · 08/09/2013 22:15

Exactly - and I really struggle to see how they benefit from their time with him. I had legal advice about 9 months ago when he was being difficult and they basically said write him a letter stating your grievances and go through the CSA. Problem with that is he's self employed and managed to convince them before that he earned next to nothing so the payments were set at £5 a week. Even then he didn't pay regularly, but once every couple of months when they rang him to chase it up.

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MrsMcEnroe · 09/09/2013 14:35

Nightmare for you Sad

and for your girls.

If they are gaining nothing from their visits to their father, perhaps he could have supervised contact at a contact centre for a while? - just so you can say to your girls that you did everything you could to foster their relationship with their dad .... Although, given what you've written, they would probably be much better off without him in their lives full stop Sad

Original poster
Needadviceandfast · 09/09/2013 19:14

Thanks MrsMcEnroe. How do I go about changing things - should I write to him detailing what I'm unhappy about? I just don't know where to start.

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IneedAsockamnesty · 09/09/2013 20:46

Why don't you just talk to him about keeping the daytime they already go but drop it being overnight make out that its to help him out and see what he says.

Original poster
Needadviceandfast · 09/09/2013 22:18

Good idea, thanks sock-pixie! Guess that's the best way to start.

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