Don't know what do do

[namechaged007]

I've been a SAHD for two years, my partner left without warning at the weekend, claiming she needed some space. Basically she took my DD for a walk and didn't come back. I haven't really been able to speak to her as she's had the phone switched off most of the time they've been away. She informed me this morning that she spent the night with her new man (presumably with my daughter there) and they plan to be together.

I'm in a state of complete shock/panic. I live in rented accomadation, have no money at all and after taking care of my daughter every day since she was born, apart from this time apart and I can't even get to speak to her. Things weren't great, I lost my job just before DD was born and money has been issue. This new man is much older than and quite wealthy and lives almost 200 miles away.

I feel bereaved, have no idea what to do, what rights I have regarding my daughter or how I can possibly cope without her.

SGB. If you re-read what I've written, unclear as it may be given the mess I'm in at the moment. she left at weekend to go to her parents, then left there to go to his. On Monday she is coming for her stuff. She has a long history of what can most kindly be described as fecklessness, but I thought that was mostly behind us. Never in a million years would I have suspected her of being capable of doing this without any warning/discussion. She's only recently started a new job, which is where she met her new man (her company were working on a project for him) and leaving it for a life of relative comfort is something that would appeal to her.

I'm not in the least bit violent, or even aggressive and certainly not scary. We didn't even row, there was just a weight of circumstances weighing down on the relationship.. Obviously I'm a mix of emotions right now, stunned, upset, angry, hurt, panicked etc. and yes it might seem odd to you all, but the situation is a far more odd to me, it's a waking nightmare.

I missed the fantasist bit.

Is that just financially op ?

Ok well, I don't mean to rub salt in your wounds by accusing you of being a controlling type. So apologies. Just the fantasist comment struck me as odd. At best it sounds like you're unsupportive &/or obstructive to the things that matter to her.....

You do have rights so try to stay calm and go to see a solicitor. Maybe it'd be for the best to just advise her that you want to do things formally, not to be confrontational but because communication is bound to be hard.

If you are a SAHD, are you your DD's primary care giver? I agree you need legal advise ASAP.

Zoe - By fantasist, and this certainly isn't specific to women at all, I don't know where you get that idea from. I mean't, that even though we shared the same aspirations (or I thought we did) she has a tendency to borrow money, from parents, on cards etc to get what she wants now and beggar the consequences. I don't want to get drawn into slagging her off, that's just the way she is.

No Orchard, not just financially, but I really don't want to go into it.

quickquick - yes I am/was totally, I don't think she's ever had her on her own, not without either a friend or her parents being there.

Sorry this is happening to you. It must be terrifying. I recommend that you make contact with Families Need Fathers. They're not the same as Fathers 4 Justice and they can give you good advice.

You're doing the right thing to avoid slagging her off. No matter what you feel towards her (and some negative feelings are only natural!), the important thing is to stay calm. You're in this for the long haul, so you need to keep your relationship with her as positive as possible. It's going to take a bit of time to sort out the logistics, but work on to the longer term vision of positive co-parenting.

I really do feel for you, and I hope it can be worked out sooner rather than later. Hang in there, that's the important thing.

zoe - I don't think I'm controling, or unsupportive. I am overlyprotective with my DD, but well aware of that. I did support her through her studies, before we had my DD and I did move house and chage jobs so she could be near to her last job. Which is in part why I'm so lost right now, I hardly know anyone nearby, not that I could really speak to about anything.

I didn't make any assumptions namechanged007, you called her a fantasist and I told you that that sounded disrespectful and that I would wonder what that meant. I was warning you really that that label doesn't make you sound good. I still don't quite know what you mean but you are right not to get drawn into criticising her finances. Good decision and one that will stand you in good stead.

Thanks biblio, just had a quick look, I'd never heard of them, it's a shame that fathers 4 justice get the publicity instead.

Zoe why don't you stop digging the OP out and just give him the advice he has asked for, your feelings seem bitter somewhat and it's not helping him in the slightest!! he has lost his daughter and would like advice... So no advice? Then don't comment. God.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear your in this situation, understandably your head will be all over the place, best thing you could do is call around local solicitors and get a free 30 min consultation, good luck

So she's recently started a new job, yet she's moving 200 miles away? Is the job a long way away or something? And she left, saying she was 'going for a walk' and went to her parents' house with no luggage? At what point were you informed that she had left you?
This is still sounding a bit... gappy, to say the least. You may not be guilty of anything more than simply not having noticed how unhappy your partner was with the relationship and that she was planning to leave you, of course.

However, the best advice I can offer is that you try to remain calm and civil. Your DD has a right to a relationship with you, so when your XP arrives on Monday, be calm and polite, and say that you would like to sort out the contact arrangements and you hope it can be done amicably. If your XP is hostile or refuses to discuss the issue stay calm and consult a solicitor once she has left. Any angry or aggressive behaviour will count against you.

Catwoman u r mistaken. I gave him good advice. U maynot realise it but it will benefit him not to repeat his opinion that she is a fantasist and i commended his decision not to be drawn into criticising her. I am not bitter. I have been through this. I have a good relationship with my x now and that has been earnwd through careful handling / clear boundaries/ not criticising/ not discussing relationship. There is more to good advice than (metaphoric) passing tissues.

Forget families need fathers for now - you don't need that lot antagonising and making a difficult situation worse.

Difficult as it is, for now, I would take a few deep breaths and see what happens on Monday. IF she brings your daughter home and you get to see her for a decent period of time, then use that as the starting point for moving towards sorting out suitable arrangements for your child. I have been and still am in the middle of a horrendous split and can honestly tell you that acting impulsively will only make the situation worse.

Get some recommendations for a good family law solicitor. Book an appointment as soon as possible to discuss the options. 'Custody' is an outdated term and is no longer used. The terms are residency and contact. What you and your Ex need to do is agree on what is best for your DAUGHTER. You may be able to do that through family mediation, with or without the input of solicitors, or you may end up going down the court route, and that is best avoided for the sake of your own well being.

You can take out something called a Prohibited steps order to stop your Ex from moving your daughter so far away, but you would need legal advice about that.

I cannot stress enough how important it is, and no matter how much you are hurting to try and keep things as civil as you possibly can for your little girls sake.

Thanks for your responses. I went to CAB and they were really helpful, getting me an appointment with a solicitor next week. Family mediation don't have anything in my area until over a months time, so not very helpful to me at the moment.

FFs SGB, what part of she'll be leaving her job to move in with him? She met him at work, but he doesn't work there.

I don't think prohibited steps order would be issued on the grounds of a 200mile journey, if the mother is willing to meet the father halfway WRT contact.

Actually, OP, given that you say you have no job and no real network where you are living now, you might like to think about moving somewhere nearer where your DD will be living.

at the moment I don't know how calm or civil I can be, so I've asked my sister to be there when she arrives.My xp doesn't drive so I'm guessing her new man will be bringing her, not something I feel I can cope with alone. In fact at the moment I reall can't cope at all.

OP, this must be frightening and shocking for you.. Had my ExH done that I would have felt that he had stolen my child.

I second Biblio's recommendation to check out the Families Need Fathers website. They have a Talk Forum where you may be able to find more support than you have here.

if a mother was on here saying her partner had taken their child for a walk and disappeared 200 miles with child. i don't imagine the responces would be see him on monday to see how often he will let you see the child. this father is the stay at home prent and the childs primary career. surely the child should reside with him and have contact with mother as the starting point. as the child must be missing father and not understanding what has happend

Nobody has said anything of the sort Late. What would YOU suggest the OP do ? Show up at Exs door, beat it down, shout and yell whilst a 2 year old cowers inside ? And the Ex rings the police and has OP arrested for being threatening and abusive ? Yeah - that'll really help this little girl

The OP is being a bit cagey about what point he actually discovered that his XP had left him rather than just going out for a walk. So it sounds as though he was informed fairly quickly as he makes no mention of having called the police to report XP and DD missing. Most people whose partner and child do not return after a walk, with no contact, start worrying fairly quickly (within a few hours) and start ringing the police/the hospitals etc to try and find out what has happened.

Also, women leaving men who are emotionally abusive, or physically abusive but have not yet been charged, are often advised to have a word with the local police station once they have left, so that if the abuser calls the police and does the 'waa, waa, what's happened to my wife and kids?' the police will react differently if they have a record of the woman reporting that she has left her partner because of abuse, that she is in a safe place but wants no contact at present.

OP - If you have been a SAHD and have been the main carer for your daughter and she has never been in sole care of her mother then you'd have a very good case for residency at Court.

However, you need your daughter back, if you let time go by and the "norm" for her is to be with your ex partner then a Court may see it as more disruptive to move her back to primarily living with you.

With no Court orders in place and you on her Birth Cert you both have equal rights. She can take her and move 200 miles and no let you see her until a Court forces her to do so, but you can do the same too, if you wanted.

What I would do...

Can you convince your ex to bring your daughter to your home when she comes for her stuff on Monday? Be nice to her, agree to have her stuff packed etc and tell her you miss your daughter and would like to see her so could she bring her with her? Then once she is there refuse to let your daughter leave with her. YOU are her main carer and that is her home. Your ex would have no justification for removing her from your care / her home and in the absence of a Court order the Police are most likely (I believe) to say that the child is best at home with her main carer and her mother should take legal advice/action.

The OP absolutely would have received more support had he posted exactly the same, but as a woman.

I hope you're enjoying yourself SGB. I was informed that she wasn't returning that day, she said she needed time apart to think things through as she had "feelings" for somebody else. That was at the weekend, a brief conversation on the phone on Tuesday suggested she might be coming back at the weekend, when we were to discuss moving forward. This morning she told me that she wasn't coming back, had been at his place and they planned to be together. Despite what you appear to think, not every man is abusive, violent or controlling sometimes decent people get shat on by selfish people.

I asked for practical advice, much of which was very useful. What I didn't want to do was rake over something I still can't process properly. What I don't think I deserved was the suspicion and accusations levelled my way simply because of my gender. My role as primary carer has been essentially that of a traditional, outdated even, mother. I do all the child care, housework, shopping, etc and I had hoped for a bit more understanding. My focus has been entirely on my daughter, for her whole life and the most rewarding part of mine. If you could comprehend the devestation of what I'm going through, you'd have a long look at yourself before making snap-judgements about people in frighteningly vulnerable positions. I might be anonymous, but I can assure you I'm a real person, with real feelings and I've told you te absolute truth.