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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Lost Daddy (sorry, long one again)

25 replies

Ollydoesntknowme · 20/06/2006 12:02

Hi Folks. For any who might have read my first posts on this board (I am a Daddy who has never had a chance to see his baby son) I just thought I'd give a little update, but also just wanted somewhere to air my thoughts again, it helped last time
As we all probably know it was Fathers Day on Sunday. I recently tried my ex on the phone, no response and so on the 15th I wrote to my son..although as I dont know if she is still at the old address, I also sent a copy to her mothers house. I dont know for sure if she received either copy for the little guy.
I found out that she isnt working at the office we both used to be at (went out with some old colleagues for a catch-up night)and so now I'm getting the distinct feeling she has gone for good with my son.
Im sure you can understand that my first ever Fathers Day as a Dad has now really bummed me out, I cant explain just how down I feel right now.
Can anyone suggest what might be a good idea. Do I just have to put up and shut up and pray my little boy has a great life without me?

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 20/06/2006 12:04

What a sad post , I wish I knew what to say but didn't want you to think your post had gone unread.

MeAndMyBoy · 20/06/2006 12:08

I'm so sorry your first fathers day has left you so sad. No real advice just wanted to respond. Could you get get some sort of mediation between you and your ex partner to sort out access/visits?

lou33 · 20/06/2006 12:11

just read your thread from before

i really think you shouldtake this to court and at least try to do something

that way you tried your best and your son might realise when he is older that you did want to know him

you dont know what he will be told about your absence as he grows, and one day when he is grown, there could be an angry young man knocking on your door demanding explanations

at least then you can show him you tried

good luck

Earlybird · 20/06/2006 12:14

Yes, I'm with Lou on this one. I remember the concensus from the first thread was that access litigation (if it comes to that), would be far less traumatic for a baby/young child than an older child. Better to try to sort it now, before it has more serious, long-lasting emotional ramifications.

Sorry to hear Sunday was so rough.

moondog · 20/06/2006 12:19

God,this is tragic.
Any chance of going to your exes mother's house????

Surfermum · 20/06/2006 12:29

I really feel for you Olly. I can remember how awful it was for my dh when his x stopped him seeing his dd. He hadn't done anything awful, just hadn't felt the same way about her as she did about him. She moved someone else in the same weekend that she asked dh to leave, and they then sudddenly moved to another part of the country and dh had no idea where they were. His solicitors advised him to pursue the case through the Courts and that if she made no contact the Courts would order that if necessary a private detective be employed to find her.

It's not a dead end, Olly, just a bit of a hiccup.

Jaynerae · 20/06/2006 12:37

Haven't read your previous threads - so this might have already been said by someone else - but If I was you - I would get up and fight! Go to the CAB, go to a solicitor - I'm a mum and in a very happy marriage - but if anything went wrong I would never stop my DH seeing his children. Pick yourself up after a dreadful day on Sunady and say right - he is my son - I have a right to see him - I am going to fight for that right! I do not know practically what you should do - but I reckon a solicitor is a good start. Go for it OllY - fight for your Boy and a future with him! Good Luck hun!

lou33 · 20/06/2006 12:43

i think that as i grew up and got older, i would be wondering why my daddy didnt fight to see me if he loved me that much.

i know it is obvious you do to us, but he will never know that unless you show him you tried your v hardest to be in his life

antisocial · 20/06/2006 12:45

One day your son will ask you 'what did you do to try and find me, dad?' Make sure you can look him in the eyes and tell him you did everything you humanly could to build a relationship.

Sounds like your exes parents are the best place to start. I'd advise a positive friendly approach at first (if it's not to late). And not appear too demanding or confrontational or you'll upset people when you want the doors to open and not be closed in your face.

Rhubarb · 20/06/2006 12:48

I think I remember you saying that she wanted child support from you? Therefore the CSA should have her address and if you are paying maintainance for your son, I'm pretty sure that any court would agree that you have full rights to see him. I'm not sure if the CSA would volunteer her address but they would have to give it to the courts and right now I think the courts is the best way for you to go.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about all of this? Right now you seem to be pondering and presuming a lot of things, but you have lots of rights and a solicitor might put your mind at rest in what you can and cannot do. You need to have an idea of where you stand at least otherwise you're just beating yourself up all the time.

Best of luck. We're here if you need us.

tribpot · 20/06/2006 12:59

ODKM, my BIL is in your exact situation, except it all happened 16 years ago. He eventually decided not to fight for access on the basis that it would be too upsetting for everyone. Weirdly, his ex-wife stayed in contact with his mother (my MIL) and she has a normal grandmother-granddaughter relationship with the child.

My BIL's now left with an overwhelming desire never to have any more children, for fear of this happening again. Not to mention being fleeced by the CSA for a child he has never been allowed to see. My niece has grown up with a perfectly nice step-dad (who she calls 'dad') and - don't ask me why - all of these people are coming to my ds' first birthday party on Saturday, so the reunion will be taking place in my back garden, which I could well do without, but that's another story!

I would fight - and not just for your sake, or your son's, but also for your parents' right to know their grandson. Beyond the emotional aspect is also the practical; I have a friend whose ex refuses to have anything to do with her and the baby. When the little one was hospitalised with febrile convulsions she was told it could run in families and she should find out if the baby's dad's family had any history - which of course she could not.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

Ollydoesntknowme · 20/06/2006 13:00

Thanks for the messages and support.
I've just been sat here on the phone to the CSA while reading the messages appear, heres their response:
As the claim is already filed I must now arrange my own private paternity test (which I want to have just to be 100% sure before I start legal action)..and of course I cant track her down so I cant get her to agree to one. And the CSA wont contact her on my behalf.

So. I could go to her mothers house, although I feel uneasy about a sudden doorstep arrival like that, dont see it leading to a cup of tea and a nice chat, although her mother and I got on really well (think she knew her daughter was hard work).

So.. Citizens Advice is next. Talking about legal action, and tracking someone down so that I have a chance to meet my son, do I have to pay for it all? I'm not exactly rolling in cash and I'm not sure I can afford to chase her?

OP posts:

moondog · 20/06/2006 13:02

Go to the mother's place.
Keep it human.
Please.
Mothers have a lot of influence.

themoon66 · 20/06/2006 13:04

Olly - What are her reasons for excluding you from your son's life?? It seems odd to me for her just to cut you out without reason.

Surfermum · 20/06/2006 13:08

You might be entitled to Legal Aid. Lots of Solicitors give a free half hour first appointment. Would be worth you going to one of these just to see what your options are and they might advise as to whether you will get legal aid.

fistfullofnappies · 20/06/2006 13:10

good luck, OllyDKM.

Rhubarb · 20/06/2006 13:15

Ok. You cannot be expected to pay CSA if you cannot prove that your son is indeed your son. So I would say to the CSA that unless you can take a paternity test, you will not make any more payments. They will then have to contact her to tell her this and this will ensure a very speedy response from her!

Can you get the telephone number for her mum and dad? If so call them and arrange an appointment, might be wise to take a third person just to sit there and make sure that it doesn't get too emotional or out of hand. Extra support for you. If you can't get a telephone number then leave a note in the door telling them the day and time you will come round and asking them to call you if this is not convenient. Put in the letter that it's important you see them to settle some CSA stuff to ensure that they have a reason to be in when you call round. Don't say that you just want a talk as they will be dreading exactly that, make it sound like a necessary appointment that will be over with asap.

Get a solicitor now. She will try to chase you for payments, but without proof that he is yours, you do not have to pay. It is up to her to get proof that the child is yours (I think that's the case?) as she is the one claiming.

This will not make life difficult for your son, he is less than a year old, he will not know what is going on and he will not starve, she'll be on quite a few benefits I'm sure.

wabbitt · 20/06/2006 13:18

Hi OllyDKM - saw your first posts and was wondering how things were going - I agree with all those supporting you to explore every avenue to forge a relationship with your son.

Just wanted to add my best wishes and support too - take care

Original poster

Ollydoesntknowme · 22/06/2006 10:10

Update!!
I took a wild shot and looked up the old numbers I had for her family, texted my ex's mother asking her to pass message on, and I had a reply that they wont discuss a possible visitation by text (which I fully understand).

I replied saying that whatever we arrange, I want confirmation in some form of writing to prove we have agreed. But it takes me 1 step closer. I now can be faily sure at least my little guy is still in the country, and maybe his mum is even thawing out a little.

I am lucky in that I have people who will go with me as witnesses, as I wont meet her alone..she has blurted out so many lies in the past, I dont think she even knows the truth any more.

Fingers crossed, today I let myself smile for the first time in a week knowing I'm one step closer

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 22/06/2006 10:12

I'm glad things are looking up, ODKM. Hang on to your glimmer of hope and do all you can to open up the channels of communication.

beckybrastraps · 22/06/2006 10:25

I never met my biological father. He did not provide any support for my mother. When I was two, my mum met another man, married him when I was four, and he adopted me. I only have the vaguest memories of life without my dad, and I am very close to him. I'm not sure I would have had this if there had been another "dad" on the scene. I would also have been different from the brothers and sisters who came along later.

Of course you should try to develop a relationship with your son, especially if you are providing financial support. But it is not always as clear cut you might think.

Incidentally, mu mum has never said anything bad about my biological father. She kept some photos of him, and asked me once if I wanted to see them, but I have no interest in him at all really. He is just not part of my life, even in a negative way.

I'm sorry, as this is probably not what you want to hear. I hope you come to an amicable agreement with your son's mother.

shimmy21 · 22/06/2006 10:51

I have a friend. 18 years ago he had a one night stand at a party and the result was a daughter. After a paternity test (apparently the girl had also slept with all his uni housemates) he ended up paying a sizeable chunk of his income in child support each month. Now he is married with 3 more kids and has at times been broke but has always paid up. Her family never wanted him to have any contact with his daughter and after a couple of visits when she was a baby he never saw his daughter. In fact, he gave up because it was easier than face the hostility of her family. Last year she contacted him (through his parents) and said she wanted to meet. i have never seen him so excited and nervous. They met. She was lovely, pretty, intelligent etc etc looking to study the same subject that he had studied. She also wanted to know why he hadn't made contact throughout her childhood. And that was it - no more contact. The link has been dropped and she has gone from his life again.

If only he hadn't taken the easy way out and let the excuse of an unwelcoming family be the reason to walk out of her life. If only he had sent her a card, birthday present or letter every once in a while to let her know he was thinking of her. Anything so that she could see that she meant something. As it was, just paying a lump of cash each month was not enough. When she was old enough to judge for herself she judged him wanting and both of them have lost something from their lives because of it. Ollydkm, please be a bigger man than that.

NomDePlume · 22/06/2006 10:55

shimmy, that is

AdelaideS · 22/06/2006 11:10

Good Luck OllyDKM...and keep fighting.

beckybrastraps · 22/06/2006 14:49

Sad for shimmy's friend, but not necessarily for the girl. Really, the presence of my biological father in my life would not have been an advantage to me. It seems so simple in theory, but in reality it isn't. So much depends on individual circumstances.

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