Whether to tell the kids I'm going away with a guy

[horrorfrog]

They're going to Legoland with their dad. I already said I wasn't going but then we went to a small latino festival "together" (me grudgingly but it sounded fun and I knew my daughter would be miserable and her dad wouldn't deal well with it) and now suddenly they're expecting to do everything en famille. I met a guy at the festival who was a friend of a friend of my ex (irony!) and I really want to go and visit him in Paris where he lives, just to have a nice fling (4 years since we split up, no one since then). Before I met him I had planned to go to London to visit friends while they were at Legoland, but I've seriously considered changing my plans as this is the only weekend I'll have free to see this guy, and dammit, if you can't go to Paris on a dirty weekend once in a while, what is the point in being single?!

So the real dilemma is not whether to go (although feel free to comment on that), but whether to tell my dd14 that I'm going.
Cons of telling her: She'll really freak out that there's another guy on the scene, specially since she wants to do everything as a family and I'll be effectively abandoning the family and going off with someone else (I know, it's all messed up, I can't stand spending time with my ex and would much rather they went with him alone), she'll also be really angry that I'm going to Paris without her! She doesn't really understand that I need a separate life from hers, and is bound to be angry for some reason or other. It will basically rip the rug from under her feet when she's already anxious about GCSEs etc. Also, I don't expect this thing to last long, and quite frankly I want it for myself with no one else offering their opinion of it.
Pros of telling her: there are loads of ways she could realise I was lying (I'm not very good at it, phone ring tones, photos), and if she did she would really find it hard to trust my word. And I would feel better that she knew where I was while I was away, because if anything happened to me, it would be catastrophic. But it could really ruin the weekend for me if I know she's upset, and she might end up telling her dad.

I'm going by plane - weirdly it wouldn't feel as bad if I was going by Eurostar, but it's more expensive and would take much longer.

So I'm putting it out there. What should I do?

I think you have to be (reasonably) honest with your DD - she is 14 and should understand that you have the right to make your own friends and do your own activities.

Perhaps best not to say it is a dirty weekend away though - more that you have met up with an old friend (did you know him when you were with your ex? That could be a further complication) and that you want to do some sight seeing in Paris together.

Is there a reason why she can't tell her Dad what you are doing, that would be an issue surely, you need to be honest with everyone.

I agree, I would tell her where you are going but wouldn't tell her who with. Say you are going with a girl friend!

Thanks for that. Yeah, it's mostly because she wants to go to Paris and would be annoyed I didn't take her! I don't want their dad to know because he may put two and two together and realise that I'm seeing this guy, and him knowing and making judgements would really piss me off. I only met this guy last weekend so no, there's no past issue there whatsoever.
I just want to make sure that my eagerness to go isn't clouding my judgement!

Tell her you can't take her as you will be going to bars/clubs in the evening and they don't allow under 18s in, and you can't leave her on her own!

SHe doesn't really need to know the details but she does need to accept that you have a life without her and that continuing to do things as a family is unreasonable when you're not a traditional nuclear family anymore.

I would say that you are going away with a friend that weekend, that it is Paris (and that one day you will go together, but this time its a break for you) and if she gets upset or angry then sorry, but that's part of being a teenager. THe world doesn't revolve around her and the sooner she realises that, the better for you all.

I went away with my DP for a week while my kids were with their dad and his were with their mum. He was really worried about how they would take it, felt guilty, bought them presents as an 'apology' etc.

They were devastated and tearful about it and he has since expressed doubt that we could do it again. Mine were presented with it as a fait accompli, "lucky me, I get a week to lounge around doing what I like and lucky you, you get a week with your dad." My lot didn't bat an eyelid and were of course excited when I got back and they missed me, but they weren't upset or resentful that I'd gone without them. I'm sure that is due in no small part to how it was presented to them. I wasn't making a big deal of it, so it wasn't a big deal.

As for your ex putting 2 & 2 together, so what, he's your ex! Its none of his business.

Thanks, TwoStepsBeyond & HenriettaPye, that's really useful advice and experience. And no, it's none of his business but he will use it to make me feel bad and I don't want this relationship tainted in any way because it's otherwise fun and confidence-building and I'm really enjoying having something for myself that no one else can ruin.