why do I seem to be programmed to feel guilty

[calmingtea]

Bastarding xh (excuse my language) took 1 day annual leave to see his children over the bank holiday. 1 single day over the whole summer holiday. This year he will have seen them for a total of 11 days out of 365. But apparently we should sit in every day so he can call the children, he doesn't really say anything to them (too busy on chat rooms at the same time - seriously, one of the reasons skype didn't work before as it upset the children that he never made eye contact), and they often don't want to talk to him.

Now he wants to skype daily, as he apparently has skype on his phone and laptop. I have offered skype once a week over and over, he has never done it as I won't agree to daily (he won't keep up with daily calls even if I agree so it will mean us sitting pretty by a laptop waiting for nothing many days). He was emotionally abusive (threatened suicide if I didn't behave myself) and is a very poor father (did very little and I mean very little with the children when he lived with us, left and said he wanted no responsibility), and yet I let him make me feel so bad for not jumping up and agreeing with all his demands. AIBU? If I am can you talk some sense into me. How do I stop feeling responsible and guilty all the time, it is exhausting.

oh for fucks sake you are being unreasonable to feel guilty.... thoug it seems to be a factory default setting in mothers... i wondered about starting thread to ask what people had done over the summer as I felt that we had not done much

did he not see them at weekends then? [incredulous]

so he sees them about one day in four weeks?

I think he wants you to sit in waitng for him. power trip maybe?

how you stop feeling guilty? listen to sensible people. (maybe one or two will be along later... lots of listening to what s norrmal and what is reasonable helps to know that you are being reasonable.

You are still letting him control you. I really do understand this, as I had an emotionally abusive ex-H and it takes time to stop the long-standing patterns of behaviour.

You and the DCs get on with your lives. If he wants to schedule a specific time to speak to them or Skype with them, that is fine - but it has to fit in with your lives as well. Tell him you think it is a great idea and give him your specific times when the DCs will be available to speak / Skype with him. Make sure they are times that are convenient with you - so 5/6pm when you are all at home and you can have the computer on. He won't do it - honestly he won't but it will get him off your back.

Do not under any circumstances be railroaded into Skype or phone times that don't work for you. Be clear that you and the DCs have commitments but that they'd love to speak / Skype with him when they are free!

Only he is responsible for his actions, or lack of. Your are responsible for your own actions, and showing your children that you will only tolerate reasonable behaviour and requests sounds more like something you should be proud of, than feel guilty about.

Thank you for all your comments.

Yes, he doesn't see them on weekends. Only 3 times (totalling 11 days) in the last year. He does live 200 miles away, as he moved far away and I had no choice but to relocate nearer family and support so I could try and work. But he has the comfortable family estate and no responsibilities, money enough for the travel, and makes trips abroad often enough (flying business according to mutual friends).

I have to laugh a bit (and tell myself to get a grip). He was never reliable, but last Thursday he emailed me informing me he has to speak daily to the children as his duty as a good father - then didn't call them until Wednesday. Same this morning, but no call this evening. If he skyped 'daily' we would be sat at the computer for hours waiting, often for nothing. One of the reasons it doesn't work for me. At least mobiles are well mobile.

I think it is about control/power. He left saying he didn't want responsibility for the children. He had little to do with them before other than the odd rough and tumble. After - even less. He even has made dates to see the children/visit on birthdays and not shown up. That is part of my problem, he always had so little regard for us and the value of our time. We were expected to sit and wait. In context, I believe he is a functional alcoholic and he often would arrange to meet us out/phone and tell me he was on his way home and not show up. So there is a bit of me that basically doesn't trust him. Quite rightly so too as his behaviour/attitude hasn't changed. But I was quite codependent with him and still really struggle to put down boundaries without guilt, combined with that he is controlling and likes to tell me how to behave.

But I think I will stick with the one skype a week, I have left it with him to choose a day. He can call about every second day on a phone, so we don't wait around. I just wish I could turn him into a good father.

This sounds really hard. And xh sounds like an utter twunt. My x has control issues as well and tries to mess around with visiting arrangements and keep dd and me hanging. It's hard but I have to be totally strict about it and just say, this is what's happening and that's that. He calls on X day at Y time and dc will be there to speak to him. If he doesn't stick to it then he waits until next week. End of. Your children don't deserve to be messed about so don't let him

You are right.

Do you think it is a coincidence that an abusive man has ended up in a relationship with someone who struggles with guilt? He knows how to manipulate you, make you feel sorry for him, doubt you are doing the best for your dc etc.

Try and listen to your own judgement. You have said he is unreliable, selfish - why would you trust his opinion of your behaviour or anything?

Do you think you are doing your best by the dc? Do you have friends or family who can reassure you that you are doing a good job. Try and get counselling, even just one call to Women's Aid helpine to talk through some way to deal with his manipulation. And when he starts his crap just remember people you trust don't think you are in the wrong.

calming - you are so right, it is about control. He is still trying to get you to jump through hoops for him.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with your DC, so don't feel under any pressure from him and don't get stuck in the "endless waiting for Daddy" trap.

I've been where you are & I promise you his interest will only diminish further, specially once he realises he can't get you to jump through his hoops anymore.

I've been separated for over 10 years now & divorced for 8 & ex-H is still a twunt! He has made the effort to have the DCs for 4 nights so far this year but still gets indignant when there is no response to his calls & texts. He was beyond awful in the early days of him leaving us and it took me time to stop leaping every time he shouted jump too. He was unbelievably pissed off when my backbone reformed and we had massive, massive rows and battles. You kind of get there in the end though.