Newly lone parent, where would you move if you were me? (London or out of London)

[littlecrystal]

I hope my question suits here. I am very soon to be lone parent to two boys, 5 and 3 years old. It is over between my husband and me.

I currently live in South London in not trendy, but OK area. I had this dream of moving to a small town outside London (Hertfordshire) with excellent schools, green spaces, lakes and river walks, and friendly neighbors. As it happens my house is under offer and we have been looking to buy in one small town in Hertfordshire.

After the split with H I am not so sure whether I can afford, emotionally and physically, to move that far. I work full time in the City, the commute will be just over an hour (38 mins on the train ? currently 12 mins on the train), I will need a new primary school, new nursery, wrap around care, etc. I will know no one and rely only on myself.

I am wondering whether in these circumstances I should stay in South London and at maintain the current school/nursery/social network. In any case we have to move, as we need extra bedroom.

The moving criteria is good secondary schools and 3 bedrooms and some outside space. DC are both mixed race and DS1 potentially has ADHD/ODD, so I am thorn whether they would be better off in a small town with calmer atmosphere and hopefully no gangs, or a multidiverse London, more exciting schooling opportunities and perhaps better access to SN facilities (or maybe not, who knows?).

In my ideal world I would still want to move to the small town I picked, but so worried to make a wrong decision. Please help!

Initially I would keep everything else the same for kids school etc. Also having survived my first year I would say initially stay near your friends you are going to need them.
DD and I will make some changes new house same area and new school at the two year point, but she has only just been up to these changes in the last two weeks so 15 months after we split.

I'm 6 months in.....Im staying put...I've found friends, family and familiarity has helped. Depends what your area is like though...I'm in London but a pretty quiet place on east London/ Essex borders. I don't have to worry about gangs etc particularly. It's ideal as my kids mixed race also and still have a multicultural community....but quieter than other parts of London. Could you move within your area but to a quieter part if that makes sense?

I'm not a single parent, but I hope it's ok to comment from the perspective of being someone who used to work in the City?

I personally would not do anything that will significantly increase your journey time if you are going to be a lone parent. How good is your commute currently?

Thanks. My commute is currently 35-40mins door to door (zone 4). Wherever I decide move I will worsen the commute. Friends who live more centrally than me have longer commutes than me (because I am on the fast train line) so I am in an excellent spot.

I could cope with the area for a while, but my house is small, old and a money pit and staying put will mean necessary cash investments (and currently all cash is needed to survive as lone parent) and eventually we will have to move anyway. So I am not very keen to invest in the house where I don?t intend to stay for long time.

DS1?s strong defiance and impulsiveness means that without a positive male role model he may turn to negative role models (gangs) which I am so afraid of. DS2 is a completely different matter and I do not worry about him so much.

I do not underestimate the support of my social network but I am so done with living in my house. So, the two affordable options: 3 bedroom flat as near as possible to where I live (more economical living, possibly car-less, more cash for activities and fun) or 3 bedroom house 38 mins out by train with a garden and excellent schools and no worries about the future, but less cash as more expensive commute, necessary car etc..

P.S. My friends and family advice to stay where I am but I have never really settled (4 years now) and so really need to do something about it.

Decisions, decisions?

dont add oto your commute - it will be a pain for every time chidl is ill, school meeetings etc etc - UNLESSS you can afford a really good nanny who can do some of those routine appts for you. or your ex will also be doing those?

f you cant afford excellent nanny/au pair in new place then dont move. quick commute is worth a lot.

a flat with even small outside space will be fine - you dont need big garden.

right now if things go wrong with transprot snow eetc and you can stil get home by tube/bus/train even walk - when you stuck in snow in city and you have train out to herts you will be real ly really stuck and they not old enough yet to sort themselves out. 38 minues train ok when it works - but when it doesnt and you ahv small kids involved and no back up locally - ugh...

unless you have built in network family friends childmninders in the new place you can call on for extra hours in the small town then dont do it. it will be a lot lot of hassle

i am currently renting in nw london with easy commute (still hassling with ex to sell joint owned flat) - moved to flat with garden and it has made all the difference versus flat with no outside space. move to a flat lcoallyw ith some outside space to put chair table and bbq and a few toys for the boys..

Make the move out, OP.
You have already said it has been your dream. You need a fresh start to your new life, so what better than a move to the type of life you have always wanted.
Further plus's are the lower costs, garden space, and the good schools.
Small towns are still towns, so not so limiting that there should be any issue (which there can be in rural villages)
And you are not moving so far that friends won't come to visit at the weekends!

What's to consider?!?!?!?!
I'm surprised you haven't picked the house, and made an offer, already

with a five year old it is far too early to worry about gangs.

make a move now and worry about gangs much later.
there are good schools in south london. and yes you have more choice with SN options as neighbouring boroughs more accessible to you.

moving now to herts for possibility of no gangs in what, eight ten years time? not sensible. and countyside living doesnt guarantee no drugs gang etc ... get him involved with local sports/scouts/boys birgade/positive groups etc.

What about contact with his father? How will that work if you move?

where will exh live and hwo much contact will he have?
will he be on hand to pick up if there is ilness or snow day?
will there be good childminder/family/friends to pick up when you stuck on that train back from london?

a long commute (distance) can work if you have good back up at home on hand eg a SAHP.

I haven't read all these posts just your initial one but would say that perhaps good to stay around for a year or two due to support structure although true that a change of scenery can be a breath of fresh new air

Ex-H?s previous attempt to move out was 50 miles away, so I expect no less this time. It is amazing how he does not care about DC. I do need all the support. I may regret this later but I am already scared to move to the dream town.