EX not turning up or arriving late- how do i deal with it?

[StephenFrySaidSo]

I've posted many times before (long time regular but new name) about this asshole fucking me about over turning up late for the dcs or not turning up at all.

I've had umpteen calm and rational conversations with him where I have explained that my time is just as valuable as his and he says all the right things, agrees to call if going to be late or if he cant come for them. we agreed set times for contact according to his work schedule. it works for ohhh, maybe 2 pick ups and then it's back to him being anything between 20 minutes and 2hours late or not turning up at all, no phonecalls texts or anything. until a few weeks ago I was texting/calling everytime asking what was happening, whether he was coming or not and sometimes getting angry because I've had to cancel work or plans with friends.

so a couple of weeks ago same thing, he doesn't turn up. I texted and asked why. he said he'd been in a car accident (turned out he hadn't been) and would call me later. I asked if he was coming for the dcs and he didn't reply so for the first time ever I put the dcs into the car and dropped them off at his house (he was there outside in the garden) this was about 40 minutes after he was due to collect them (he lives 5 minutes away). then this week he didn't turn up again. I decided I wasn't going to text or call and just basically leave it entirely up to him to either be here or not. I had to again cancel plans with my friend and arrange emergency childcare so I could work but I sucked it up and just dealt with it. no calls or anything from him. he was due again this evening to collect them at 6, didn't turn up. I had been holding off on eating til the dcs went with him as he usually does dinner on the nights he has them but by half 6 I thought it was getting a bit late so told the dcs I would take them out for dinner. as we are getting ready to walk out the door at 6.40 my phone rings- it's him, he asks to speak to the dcs and tells them he's coming to get them in 20 minutes and will get them dinner. none of this run by me to see if that was ok! (dcs are 8 and 4) so I've bitten my tongue- I haven't said anything this evening (I couldn't anyway-he sent his fiancée's 8 year old brother to the door to get the dcs while he sat in the car!) and in future I will just get us all dinner earlier so I know they aren't hungry. (he has form for leaving them til 10pm before getting them food)

but what do I do about him just deciding to turn up whenever he likes? people have advised me before to not be at the house once 6pm has passed so he has missed his slot but tbh I like sitting in my own home on a Friday evening and chilling with a take away- I don't want to be thinking of places to spend a couple of hours. also- Im not falling into the trap of dropping them off at his when he doesn't turn up. I think that's what he was hoping for this evening tbh as he called at the time I dropped them off the last time. i'll be damned if i'm going to go out of my way to make his life easier than it already is when it comes to our dcs.

so what do I do? once again for the umpteenth time he has done exactly as he likes and still gets the dcs when he eventually does turn up. ds1 was sitting on the sofa crying 30 minutes ago saying he hated his dad and then when he got off the phone all is well again as if nothing had happened. how can he get away with doing that to them every fucking time!

Do we share an ex?

Sorry no solutions, but mine is the same. Fucks me right off.

keep a log and see how it goes - let him know that it is not in the DC best interest for things to carry on as they are - suggest a schedule and if he doesn't stik to it stop contact.

I've done all that better I've done the log, I've shown him the log, he sheepishly agrees it's not on and we agree on times etc he says he understands it's not fair, I've cried infront of him (unintentional) when I told him how upset the dcs get (it breaks my fucking heart to see it), he appears to 'get it' and sticks to the plan for a few visits then he reverts to normal and forgets everything. I have been calm and reasonable and compromised so that it fits in round his work (yet he has no concern for mine), ive blown a gasket and resorted tp yelling at him and letting him know exactly how pissed off I was he just ignores that so no point. and tbh he ignores the reasonable too he just says he's going to stick to it. this is just how he is. I've know him ten years and this is him- he wont change but I need it to stop having such an effect on my life- i'm losing wages because of it, i'm letting customers down, friends down, cancelling important training I need to take. I've realised I just have to arrange childcare even for the times he is supposed to have them as I cannot rely on him at all. tbh I just want to tell him to fuck off and forget about seeing the dcs so that he might suddenly decide they're worth turning up on time for if he thinks the decision is taken out of his hands. this is anger talking. I wont ever do that.

I hate to say this but...

You just have to keep doing what your doing.

Keep log. Check

Reassure children that daddy may not be super reliable but he does love them very much and deal with associated fallout. Check

Arrange back up childcare if you have important business. Check

Bitch about it on here when it gets too much. Check

Wait patiently for them to be old enough to a) arrange their own contact b) tell him to shove it. Check

Keep up the good work

I was afraid of that.

I know this is the ultimate teen cry but it's soooo unfair! arrgghh!!!

Ugh poor ds. He may be happy when he does turn up but he will remember and realise what a twat his dad is.

Agree with HH. If you locked your door after 30 mins, would he kick off? Or can you change pick up time to the morning so it's easier to go out if he doesn't turn up?

I have the same thing. Been apart 6 months....kids 3 and 1...can just see years of this shit. :( actually had to give up a little extra job I had on Saturday's because he turned up whenever suited. I started at 9am....he would knock on my door at 11.30, look bemused when I was upset/annoyed. No text to say running late etc.

Does he pay maintenance? Can you show him the log and say "right I've calculated that the emergency childcare I've had to pay out when you've failed to turn up on time has cost ££££, so I'm going to have to ask for an increase in maintenance to cover it unless it improves". Kind of hit him where it hurts.

Or maybe use a third party handover? If one of his relatives / friends collects the DCs they'll soon let him know its not on to be unreliable.

That's right it is unfair.

STAMP STAMP!

Notifying him that after 30 mins or whatever you and ds will become unavailable and having a fun plan to distract ds (or back up childcare) is an perfectly reasonable option.

The reason I have chosen not to go down this route is that it may mean dd never saw her dad. (Who has so far cancelled 12/25 of the 2hr once a week sessions and been between 2-25 mins late for 7, ended early between 5-15 mins 3 times.)

to summarise she has only had the whole 2 hours twice in six months

But funnily enough he says he doesn't get enough time with her and wants more. I laughed when the mediation people told me that and said that if he was that desperate for more time with her he would be actually attending the time he does have.

But as you can tell from my recitation. It's all logged, when dd wants to know I will be able to show her I ALWAYS went above and beyond the call of duty to make contact happen. I will be able to PROVE I am not and never haven been the reason she doesn't see her dad

My solution for this is to do the drop offs and let him do the drop backs.

He knows it pisses you off and is probably the last bit of control he has over you.

the door is always locked anyway and it's right beside the living room window- that would actually be awful for the dcs to see him walk up the path and knock the door and not be able to go to him. our gate creaks and as soon as they hear the creak they shout 'daddy!' I wouldn't do that. he could see/hear us and they could see him.

good idea about changing pick up to the next morning (it would have to be sat morning as he works Friday and dcs have school) I think if I do that i'm going to have to cancel the midweek contact as pick up is 6pm Tuesday evening and there is no way to change that to next morning.

"....he would knock on my door at 11.30, look bemused when I was upset/annoyed. No text to say running late etc."

yep- exactly the same- I've stopped even saying anything because he just literally ignores me, avoids eye contact and walks off at the first sign of me saying something he cant be arsed listening to. I don't even go to the door anymore. I kiss the dcs and say my goodbyes in the living room and they go out themselves.

he pays the CSA minimum in CMaintenance when he remembers/cant be bothered but he would just laugh if I told him he owed me for emergency childcare. we've had the conversation before of how he gets to have a full-time job with no childcare costs whatsoever but if I want to work I have to pay my own half of the week plus his half. he told me I need to get a man in my life to help me out

his mum collects dcs once a week for a few hours as part of an arrangement her and I made between ourselves and she is actually helping me out a lot over the summer with childcare- I have said to her a few times that the reason I need her Is because he hasn't turned up but she doesn't acknowledge it and I have no idea if she says anything to him or not- he certainly doesn't say. I think maybe she doesn't want to get involved which is fair enough- she just wants to see her grandkids.

the way i'm thinking now is that Im just going to take the dcs out once he's late and just ignore the phone if he rings. i'll just have to put up with going out on Friday evenings til he gets the message. i'll try and arrange places to be for those evenings so i'm not floating about with two dcs.

I know if I start doing drop-offs he'll make sure he's not there at 6pm. he would love to think of me sitting outside his house waiting for him to get back.

I think completely ignoring him and making it so that being late = not seeing dcs (by my choice rather than his) will make him want to get it back under his control so he will either start being on time or he'll get a solicitor to tell me to what he wants me to do which would suit me TBH as then it would be a solicitor laughing in his face when I produced the log of what he's being doing.

I used to have this on Friday evenings, getting later and later, or not turning up as he was working. He would ring DD on Thursday and say see you tomorrow, then text halfway through Friday to say he wouldnt be back in time.

The last straw was when he failed to keep me updated what was happening, then texted at 7pm to say he was on his way. I had already gone out by then and taken DD with me. I told him to commit to a pickup time or not have her on Fridays.

He did the same during the week, would agree to pick her up at 3.30 from school, then text me to say he couldnt get there on time, giving me a huge problem because I was at work.... so then he stopped midweek visits as well..

I think the best thing you can do is to stop the Friday evening and make it Saturday morning.

My cousins exwife sent him a letter saying that if he was 30 minutes late for pickup then he would have to forego the whole weekend with them, which I thought was a bit harsh, but could see where she was coming from.

it sounds like some of his behaviour is done just to piss you off - he knows it winds you up and you take the bait. I would organise other things to do and if he wasn't there then he cant moan if you have gone and done something else because he is late - he needs to live with it. if he is only 5 mins away couldn't you drop them there on your way out? I thin I would also play him at his own game - arrange drop off times a little earlier but when its drop off time be out, make him wait.

hes got a real cheek saying you need a man to help you out - why would he want another man looking after his kids? stupid wanker.

sorry I don't think its fair to mention it to his mum, its nothing to do with her, as you say she just wants to see her grandkids.

"hes got a real cheek saying you need a man to help you out - why would he want another man looking after his kids? stupid wanker."

I have honestly come to the conclusion that he will do anything for an easy life. he basically spelled it out to me that he wouldn't be having the dcs every other weekend and once midweek if his fiancée wasn't there as she does all the shopping for them, decorated their room, drops them to school on the midweek morning, makes their meals and babysits when he goes out. i said to him that he had his mum looking after our dcs until he met his fiancée and now he's telling me to introduce another person into their lives just so as he doesn't have the inconvenience of being on time for them! it's almost funny if it wasn't so gobsmackingly pathetic.

Out of interest, is there a chance that sometimes he is genuinely delayed? does he travel for work along motorways, for example, where he will be subject to traffic to get him home on time? or is he just controlling the situation? If it's purely a matter of control, take control back and drop off. You run the risk of him double-bluffing by starting to be out, but we can cross that bridge if it comes to it...

entirely possible he is genuinely delayed- i wouldn't know however as he never tells me! no motorways but of course there can be rush hour traffic build ups. if he texted before he was due (and not only after i had texted to ask where he was or if he was coming) to say he would be late or wasn't coming i wouldn't be half as annoyed as it would at least show some consideration for the fact that i also have places i need to be and people not to let down. if he is going to be regularly delayed from work then the reasonable thing to do would be to rearrange a later pick up time with me then we'd all know where we stand right? why cant he do that?

it's very simple: "Stephen- 6pm doesn't work for me. it's too pressurised to get there on time- can we make it 6,30 or 7?"

"why yes EXP of course, glad you texted. that makes things so much easier for me to arrange my life and saves the dcs from an hour of sitting on the sofa crying. what a fantastic idea- you are my hero"

He gets the dc from school and if he can't pick up then he will have to arrange childcare until he can get them.

my ex was always late due to the bad traffic on ledbury road, it was always the bad traffic and never the simple fact he didn't leave early enough as he was to fucking lazy.

So after school pick up and monday morning school drop off. If the school ring then call then you have a witness to his lateness and get in contact with a solicitor to get a letter sent and it is all record legally and with the school - then point this out, but not until you have the evidence. Then watch him arrive on time for school

That way homework wasn't rushed with me on a Friday night - it was rushed with him on a Sunday night as they had forgotten till then and he was to stupid.

i like this idea ivy. i think you could be onto a winner.

don't tell the children he is due. I never do as my ex has a habit of being late. I just have them ready and up and around doing things - when the door bell rings, they get their coats, I hug good bye and THEN I open the door. They're straight out and no need for any interaction with the ex for you. And they have no opportunity to be upset if he's late 'cos they didn't know he was due. Remove clock in front room if necessary!

i tried that but 8YO ds knows now which days they're supposed to go to his and he gets excited on those day, telling ds2 and keeps asking me "how long now mummy" he has started now to correct himself by saying "i know he might not come" i used to make excuses and say things like 'maybe daddy has to work or maybe he's very busy' but ds knows himself now that it's common decency to let people know you're running late or wont be there and gets annoyed that his dad hasn't.