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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

can i have a moan?? please

11 replies

freemanbatch · 29/08/2013 22:04

My mother has visited only once all holiday, she'd off school holidays so has had exactly the same time as the kids have off work. she lives 100 miles away as do all my family so I don't ask them for much as I know its a long way but one visit all holiday has really upset me.

She's spent 3 weeks doing full time childcare for my sister's kids, who she takes to and from school everyday and who have three parents and three extended families all within 20 miles so there are many options for people to look after them.

I'm on my own surrounded by my abusive stbex husband's family, I have two kids and one on the way, I'm dealing with a police investigation into my stbex husband, children's services investigations into what he's done to the kids, and in the next few days a birthday for my youngest at which she can't see her dad but I don't know if he or his family will turn up at the house to try and see her.

So yes I'm really rather sad that my mother can't give more than one day in her six weeks holiday to coming to see us, I don't want her to look after the kids or me I would just like to have someone to talk to and I suppose I'd like to have a mum who wants to come and see us when she's not at work.

sorry if you wasted minutes of your life reading my self indulgent moan.

OP posts:

sandiy · 29/08/2013 22:27

Not self indulgent at all.It sounds horrible.Your mum is Probobly enjoying a break from looking after the other grandchildren but,that does nt help you.Are your family aware how tough it is for you at the moment.
With regards to the ex family are they any use at all I realise your ex is an arse but is there any of them who may be trustworthy to give you some support they may be mortified and want to help but afraid to offer.

rainbowfeet · 29/08/2013 22:31

Sorry you are going through such shit & with no support!!

Rant as much as you like if it helps get it off your chest!

Love & hugs

Original poster

freemanbatch · 29/08/2013 22:35

My family are aware of all that's going and they will chuck money at me or 'advice' over the phone but my mother just is not going to come and help. My dad's been a couple of times, taking time off work, because he's upset she hasn't come but its not the same as my mum wanting to help especially when my kids are facing a life that may well only have a mum and I don't have a great framework to work from!

The ex's family are complicit and active in many areas of the abuse the ex has inflicted on me and the kids. If the police can get the right charges my kids are facing a life with only me and that's going to be a tough thing for all of us I think.

OP posts:

RubySparks · 30/08/2013 06:29

That's very hard but probably the distance is a big issue, is there any way you could move closer to your family? I think the help you need would be more readily available then.

TiredDog · 30/08/2013 06:33

I'd probably want to ask my mum if there was a problem and let her know how you need her and how sad you are. Is it possible she finds the whole STBEX abuse situation difficult to deal with? I'm sure you find it even more difficult to deal with. Maybe she is confused and doesn't understand how to react and thus keeps away?

Original poster

freemanbatch · 30/08/2013 08:35

Sadly ruby it wouldn't and that's one reason I haven't just packed up and gone. it would be even more upsetting to be two streets away and on my own when she's running after my sister like crazy. Its been that way since the day I was born and that's why I moved away, most of the time I can give the reason of distance and almost believe it its only in the school holidays when she does have to time and simply chooses not to that it bothers me.

I've tried talking to her tireddog but she's just not interested. She has repeatedly told me I should take him back if I don't want to do things on my own!

Yesterday was a bad day because I'd been with the police for a lot of it and getting no support again from my mum hurt. Today though I'm going to be ok because my kids deserve a mum who smiles, plays and makes cakes with them

OP posts:

twosquared · 30/08/2013 13:37

freemanbatch, sorry for what you're going through. sounds like she has no appreciation for what ever you've gone through (or perhaps she went through something similar at some stage of her life and had to put up with it - hence is now so unsupportive of you?). on the other hand some times people just luck out with their parents :(

can you supplement your family with friends, a friends mum, an aunt or uncle? i've made some awesome friends going through divorce, and to be honest they are my best support. the ones who have been through similar but are further down the line have without doubt been the best support. they can be a shoulder to cry on or a devils advocate when i need it. can you find a way to meet someone else who has walked in your shoes? can the police put you in touch with a support group for example?
i hope things get easier.

Original poster

freemanbatch · 30/08/2013 13:56

I am lucky to have some great friends who help me through all sorts and are always there to listen but there are things you can't really ask of friends, that only a mother can do, and that's when I find it hard but today is much better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better again and a year from now life will be crazy but hopefully very happy

OP posts:

TwoStepsBeyond · 30/08/2013 15:00

Your mum sounds horrible if she thinks you should stay with the man who has abused you and your DCs. If I were you I'd concentrate on having a good relationship with your dad, who seems to care about you a lot and will provide a good male role model for your DCs as they grow up.

You're lucky to have good friends too, so please don't waste your effort trying to get your mum to see how hurtful it is for you as she is obviously incapable of supporting you. Your kids are lucky to have you, a mum who has been through a lot and made tough decisions, but is standing up for their right to a happy life.

WithConfidence · 30/08/2013 16:14

What TwoSteps said. I have found I can't rely on my family for support and I wasted a lot of energy trying to convinve them I was worthy, I needed it, how badly I had been treated etc. You need to take the support where you can get it, as you cannot change how other people behave.

Interesting to consider if you feel the unsupportive mum and abusive ex are connected? You said feel she's been that way your whole life, it could have set up some patterns for you. I recognise similar problems with my ex and the crappy way my mum treats me. Or he could have learnt how best to punish me, by seeing how upset I was when my mum did certain things.

ProtectiveMother · 30/08/2013 17:13

I am the same fmb. I ended up just giving up on her and prefer not to see mine at all now. It's less hassle and heartache. Hugs.

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