AIBU please help

[bluebeardsbabe]

Quick background. exp left with other woman when I was three months pregnant and was absent from birth and dds early life. He has had regular contact with dd since she was around 7 months and she is now 10. By regular I mean 2 x 4 hr week when she goes to his house. occasionally he sees her 3 times a week. Dd still wakes to bf twice a night and I bf her to sleep. As I have never had any help this has been partly a survival technique so we both get some sleep.

I have offered exp to come and help with dd nighttime routine but he has declined. now suddenly he wants her overnight this weekend. I suggested we do a trial run first. Dd has her own room with a spare bed. I have offered him to stay the night and that I will only enter the room or intervene if dd gets too distressed. He said no as it would upset OW!!

As always I examine my own motives and whether I am acting out of my own anger and spite (of which there is plenty) or in dds best interest and in this case I strongly feel the latter.

Aibu to feel that it is too distressing for dd to spend the night without me/boob for comfort without somehow building up to it first? I would prefer to wait until I finish bf. I have sole custody.

I don't think YABU. Your DD would likely find being away from you overnight distressing if she's used to bf back to sleep. Can your ex settle her with a bottle? I waited til mine could before letting DD go overnight - which was when she was about 10m. Doesn't necessarily mean giving up bf when she's with you.

You could also let your ex work up to overnights with longer daytime contact that require him to get used to settling her for a nap. And reassure him that you will be ok about overnights in the long run, once he's able to put her down for a nap.

Would you be able to be "on call" by him bringing DD back to you in the middle of the night as a worst case scenario?

Thanks. dd has never taken a bottle but I have suggested he try to see if it works. she is able to have naps when with him and I don't live too far away but the thought of getting a distressed dd in the night doesn't feel good

Much better you start as you mean to go on that contact with dad is at his place,, inviting him in to yours will only confuse. Build up to
Infer day time contact then overnight. If you not in next room she more likely to settle without you. She will know you nearby if he stays over to do an overnight.

Best you try overnight at some point yes but at his house not yours.

If he what's to do overnight he will have to be prepared to deal with her getting distressed . But if he loving towards her she will be fine. He should at sme point have her overnight and deal with getting her back to sleep if she wakes. She won't be able t stay up crying the whole night... Does she drink from a cup r bottle for water ? He can get up In the Night give her a drink cuddle she will settle back to sleep

Thanks. I don't really like the thought of her crying too much in the night. I think my best bet is to increase his time with her in the day and in this way build up to nights. she still feels very little to be away from me at night but also realise that time with dad needs to be increased which I am happy to do.unfortunately she is the kind of child who won't accept water in the night. its boob or nothing :)
thanks

I don't think YABU. She's still very reliant on you/bf for comfort at night and unfortunately until she can be settled without that, I personally wouldn't want to consider overnight until you got past that. My DD fed at night until she was 15 mths, but dropped all other feeds a bit earlier than that. If you put it into that context your DD might not have too long to go to get less dependent on bf for comfort.

In your shoes I'd stick to offering longer day time contact, to include settling for a nap/feeding, and see how she does while also attempting to see if she'll take a bottle. See how that goes for a couple of mths and you might find she slowly develops less reliance on bf herself while this goes on. Even if it doesn't happen as quickly it would just be a case of extending the day time contact until she is ready for the overnight.