Birthday blues

[MarmiteMerriment]

Five years ago I was in the early stages of labour. Tonight I'm alone and feeling bereft. Thanks to my selfish arrogant entitled XH, who got bored of responsibility and of me, I will get to spend a mere hour of my darling 5 year old's birthday with her. And that will be a hideously uncomfortable charade of a 'happy families' meal out. I can't stand the sight of my XH,and have only the most minimal contact with him at handovers. And I'm going to have to 'make nice' for the sake of the DC and I HATE it.

I know I should get over myself, it is just a day (although they are spending a full week with him) and as her parent he is entitled to spend time with her. But she is my baby, and it is just unnatural and wrong for me not to be with her. We split up a year ago, but I just can't get used to being without them, and dread the years of birthdays and Christmases that can never be the simple happy family celebrations that they ought to be. I would never have imagined or chosen this for my children.

He made a choice to put us all through this and I will never forgive him for that. Please help with strategies for getting through tomorrow - I badly need a hug, and some sense talked into me. MM

That's pants. Big huge grey ones.

But this is just 1 event and things will change, it's never the same

So make sure you wear something you feel great in. Look great. Have a huge smile on your face grit your teeth and beam for that gorgeous daughter of yours.

Don't let him have any leading conversations. If he starts verbally talking crap stay quiet or chat to your daughter.

Then go home and chuck cushions around.

And report back. Supporting vibes being sent to you.

Thanks for replying Pancake - makes me feel a little less alone (although just writing all this down has tipped me into major and pointless self-pity). Good advice about looking good and trying not to let him get to me - hard to do when any self-confidence I had has been crushed, but I will try.

It's gone midnight. Happy Birthday darling DD. I want to go and gaze at your angelic sleeping face, and marvel at how beautiful you are. You are my wonderful loving charming chatterbox

Look good for you. Not him. But you. Any particular item of clothing or accessory that your daughter likes? If so em wear it with pride.

And when you want to pull his eyelashes out one by one, just keep thinking its only for a few hours.

And mentally plan a treat for your daughter and you to celebrate her birthday. Doesnt need to be vast/expensive. A cake and a DVD afternoon can be brill. A girl can never ever have too many celebrations especially with a mum who loves her very much.

It's not nice but you have got so far, this will be an uncomfy breeze.

I keep reading on here and hearing elsewhere about separated parents who are good friends and do family things together, and it just makes me feel like this is one more area where I'm 'inadequate'. Like I ought to be able to put all the hurt and heartbreak, and the anguish I feel over my older DDs distress about the divorce behind me and get on with being friends with XH. That that would be the best thing for the DDs, and so I am letting them down by failing to manage it.

That sounds really sad for you next year organise a big party thingy in a play centre so there is loads of people and loads going on and you are not alone with him.Make new rules can you imagine spending the next ten years stuck like this don t let him control it.Infact spend some of the time at the meal discussing how great this will be next year with all her little friends.She is big enough now for you not to need to play his games he can take her alone why do you need to witness it I hate it when they try to force your hand, Why do you feel the need to be friends with someone who treated you so shockingly you don t have to. polite is good enough.
But have a lovely birthday with your special girl.

Hi MarmiteMerriment, just want to say I hope it all went well. Big hugs!

Just read your thread. I can really empathize. I Sao hope you managed to get through the meal and the day itself without too much upset.

Big hug

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your replies. I haven't come back on to update until now because it all went horribly and I've been feeling very down about it. I really wanted to put on a brave face and try to make the most of the situation, but I failed. I don't think XH was actively trying to upset me, but various things were said, and the reality of the fact that my time with my daughter on her special day was being rationed made the anger and upset unbearable, and I had to leave before I let that show in front of the children.

I've been researching counsellors today - I have to find a more positive way of dealing with him, and with my feelings about this whole situation.

Poor you My ex and I used to do the odd "happy family" thing together. It always felt forced and made me (and all of us probably) just aware of what we were missing.
We don't bother these days. Either we celebrate on different days of split the day between us. It works much better that way for us. Your DD has a summer hols birthday but pleanty of DCs are at school on their birthdays and quite happy to celebrate at the weekend - or more than once.
Hope you feel better soon