I'm not your boy anymore mummy .... :(

[CharlieAlphaKiloEcho]

I'm heartbroken

DS is 4 and said he's not my boy anymore and has spent the last 30 minutes crying for his daddy.

I have just sobbed in the bath and feel utterly lost.

And unreasonably angry too! EX only met his son a year ago. Completely ignored all attempts of getting them to have a relationship until it suited him and now he's the hero?

He's just had his first extended stay with them and has been hard work since coming back a couple of weeks ago. I know it must be unsettling but I've never had any of this from him before! Tonight he screamed, shouted and hit me because it was bath time and he wanted to watch a film. He's always been such a laid back easy boy

I have nobody in RL I can talk to about this so just venting here.

I'm so sorry. I don't know if I have anything helpful to say, but I'm sure someone who has will be along soon. My DS is 3.5 and has never met his dad, and I dread the possibility of him getting back in touch, the worry that he will fall totally in love with someone who, to him, seems "exciting", but who is actually irresponsible and amoral.

I think your boy feels he can take it all out on you because he feels 100% safe with you.

((hugs))

Thanks for the much needed hug.

I know him seeing his dad is the right thing but god it hurts. I didn't realise how angry I was with EX until tonight. I feel like the last 3 years of damn hard work with absutely zero support mean nothing now. And that's a stupid way to feel because DS is 4. Of course he doesn't think like that.

Huge pity party tonight it seems

I just wasn't at all prepared for these complicated emotions.

My first thought is - are you sure EX hasn't said that to him? That he is his boy/daddy's boy?

hug]]]

My DS is testing me lately but for the opposite reason, his dad is back away from him and that is making him push at me as if he's testing me.

We love our kids so much and because we are always there for them that's exactly why they show us their testing behaviour!

I don't think ex would say something like that but I could be wrong.

To me it sounded like a clumsy 4 yo way of saying he wanted to be with his daddy and not me. I know he had a great time with his dad and that's what matters but we have very different lifestyles. They have the house, car, money, dogs and a happy family unit and time together because he was off work. I give DS work, holiday club, knackered single parent, no money, no car to whizz off to great places everyday and a hormonal teenage sister. Oh, and a cat who he apparently thinks is boring now he's seen daddies two fun dogs. keeps asking if we can send him back and get a dog instead

I just don't know how to make him understand it all. Will it just become normal for him do you think?

Acknowledge his feelings but also emphasise you are still his mummy .m

Eg "you are daddy.s boy AND mummy's boy aren't you lucky ? "

Acknowledge that it is great he gets to see dad and do wonderful things with him. Maybe He needs your approval to do this. Maybe He lashes out to test you see if you still love him and if you allow him to also love daddy too. Yes keep the boundaries be firm but let him know you love him too. and that it is also ok to love dad. But right now he gets two homes isn't that great ?

You can offer maybe more simple thing s but it is still valid. Feeling jealous or resentful of dad won't help him feel secure .

Have a read of how to talk so kids will listen etc was recommended to me by child psych when discussing concerns about dds and it has some good ideas

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

He is your boy though. He is your boy and he will always be your boy. However old he is and whoever else he has in his life and no matter what happens.

I can't imagine how hard that must be :(

However, they push and push to see how much you can take and to see if you will still love them.

It's a difficult and confusing time for him, he's bound to be 'hard work' - unfortunately.

It might be that his Dad said something that he has misunderstood - such as 'You are a real Daddy's boy aren't you' and he's worried that it means he's no longer a Mummy's boy or that he has to choose. Lord alone knows what goes through their heads sometimes.

Try not to take it to heart.

Thanks so much everyone.

I'll take a look at that book thanks cestlavielife.

I just said he was mummy and daddies boy and we are good at sharing him and it's my turn now. I've tried very very hard to be positive about his dad and the time he gets with him. My parents divorced and I clearly remember my mums hostility towards my father. I knew at a young age not to mention the fun stuff to her. I'd never want that with DS and although it hurts to hear it sometimes I encourage him to chat about it all.

I know I shouldn't be jealous and I'm mostly fine with the differences because I see that I am the one that gets to tuck him up for snuggles each night. I'll be taking him for his first day of school and I had all those other firsts too. His dad misses a lot but that is his choice tbh.

I will learn how to deal with this eventually I guess. It's still all new to me. Well, to all of us I guess. Up until now the visits were days out etc. Now it's about carving out a safe place for DS in their family and me accepting he has this other family too.

It just stings a little that I'm the one taking 85% of the responsibility for DS but he's getting the glory right now. Realistically I know DS was asking to come home at the end of his trip so I know he missed me. It was just a heartbreaking thing to hear.

But I'm much calmer now :)

Thanks!

At 6 yo my dd told me that she wanted to live at her dads house, it broke my heart, I managed to ask her why that was, and her answer? 'My daddy never tells me no!' Jesus if he never says no to anything I'd probably want to live there too . But it put it into perspective that it wasn't that she didn't love me, it was that she got her own way all the time over there. And we all know that that's not what's best for children.

Try not to take it to heart. When he's grown up he will appriciate what you've done for him. :)

Isn't this the Disney dad phenomenon?

It is unfair to mums, but all kids figure it out eventually and KNOW who was really there for them on a daily basis.

At BIL wedding his dad went all lyrical about his amazing relationship with his son, and then went too far by making a slighting remark on the mum.

BIL who I have never heard swear before took his dad aside to say " Do fuck off, I wanted you to be here but actually, you were never there for me when I needed you. That was always mum"

I think that cestlavielife has a very sensible post. I think that you just have to realise that he is a very small child coming to terms with a difficult situation. Many small children come up with 'I don't love you any more' or 'you are not my friend' or 'I like Daddy better' - but in your case it is far more hurtful. You have to tell yourself that it isn't true, it is only because he loves you so much, and feels so secure with you, that he feels safe enough to say it to you.

Agree with the others about not taking it personally. If he's had no contact before it must be a whirlwind to suddenly get a daddy.

Just wanted to let you knowthat faking it about being interested in the great things he does with dad will get easier. I now feel pleased he gets to experience different things with him and still feel happy about quiet days we have doing our thing.