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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

single dad needs advice and support

23 replies

caringdad66 · 21/08/2013 15:47

My 10 yr old son lives with me ,after social services removed him from his mum 18 months ago.
There was a long drawn out court case, with the court deciding that he should live with me, and see his mum for 4 hours every Sunday.
The courts will not let him stay overnight at his mums.
His mum wants him to live with her, he says he wants to be shared, and is afraid of upsetting either of us.
His mum has addiction problems which have led to severe financial diiculties.
My son loves his mum dearly.
My dilemma is this- when I have to be firm with him or discipline him he says that he hates me and wants to go back to his mums house to live.
I explain that this isnt possible, but am unsure as to what to tell him regarding his mums addiction problems (alcohol,cannabis and amphetamines).
He only knows some of his mums problems, and even then he calls me a liar and refuses to believe that his mum has addiction problems.
Do I tell him everything? do i show him all the paperwork rom the court case etc? do i show him the drug and alcohol testing appointments that she failed to turn up for?
Do I need to upset him so much or should i just take the comments and hope that eventually he finds out what his mum is really like, and make up his own mind on where to live?
Sorry to go on, but I am really struggling with this.

OP posts:
gaggiagirl · 21/08/2013 15:51

Didn't want to read and run so bumping for you

Pootles2010 · 21/08/2013 15:56

Sorry to hear of this, sounds tough. I really think you need some expert advice tbh. Have you considered getting a counsellor for your son? My friend's stepson has one, he's 9, it's been really helpful for him to talk his issues through with someone he doesn't have to worry about upsetting, iyswim.

caringdad66 · 21/08/2013 15:56

thanks for the reply, but i am a little confused and dont understand your message

OP posts:
fancyanother · 21/08/2013 15:57

I have absolutely no experience of this whatsoever, but my gut instinct says suck it up. He will come to realise in his own time. 10 seems very young to be able to cope with this information

DragonsAreReal · 21/08/2013 16:02

I don't think you should lie to him but I don't think he needs it in black and white print and it's way tmi.

It's hard being the bad guy knowing the other parent is the bad one iyswim but your ds is more important then how he sees you right now. He will see his mum for what she's like and make his peace with it in his own time.

Also if he's acting up with you ect ect it's because he can trust you not to leave him/let him go he feels secure enough to let it all out so to speak.

gaggiagirl · 21/08/2013 16:05

caring bumping is what you do to put a thread at the top of list so more people can read it. I didn't have any sage advice to offer when I read your post so I bumped it so other people who could offer better advice than me would see your thread.
Good luck and I hope that made sense.

caringdad66 · 21/08/2013 16:25

i get it now,, ta very much

OP posts:
Snorbs · 21/08/2013 16:44

I'm also a single father whose kids live with him due to their mother's addiction problems. Welcome!

The approach I took with my children is that I tell them the truth but not all of it, and what I do say I say in an age-appropriate way. As my children have got older I've told them a bit more.

They know that sometimes their mum is ok and other times she's not but that it was not their fault and not their problem to try to fix. When they were young then that was more-or-less where I left it. When she's ok then they get to see her and when she's not they don't.

As they got older then I started talking to them more about alcohol and how it affects some people. A couple more years and I talked to them about addictions and why it's so hard for their mum to stop drinking and, most importantly from their point of view, stay stopped.

All through this I have repeatedly said that they need to remember that their mother's problems are not their fault. Children have a big tendency to assume that it one or other of their parents is unhappy / angry / out of control / whatever then that is somehow because of something the child did. It is crucial for children of people with addiction problems to realise that it's nothing to do with the child and that the child can't make the addicted parent not drink/take drugs. And that's regardless of what the addict might say ("If only you got to see me more often I wouldn't need to drink!" Hmm). A parent's addictions are nothing personal against the child and the child needs to be repeatedly reminded of that.

As well as talking to them I do my best to listen to them as well and do what I can to validate their feelings. It's ok for them to feel angry. It's ok to feel sad. It's ok for them to go out and have a good time even though their mum has drunk herself incoherent again. It's ok for them to feel angry with me, too - but no matter how angry they are with me, no matter how hard they try to push me away, I make sure they know that I'm going nowhere and that I will always be there for them.

My son doesn't talk much about his mother at all but he does sometimes. My daughter is much more willing to talk about her feelings about her mum and I notice that my son is usually listening in closely even though he won't say much. I also tell stories about their mum about stuff that's nothing to do with her drinking - things we did and places we all went to when they were tiny, how their mum and I met, all those sorts of happy memories. I think that's important. I don't want them to think that any conversation with me about their mum is going to be a downer. I don't want them to think that I have nothing positive to say about her. She is their mum, after all.

A big part of the problem my children have with their mother is their feelings about her letting them down when she chooses to drink rather than to be able to see them. So I try really hard to make sure that they feel that even though they can't depend on her, they can depend on me. I am scrupulous about not making promises to them that I can't keep. They don't always feel safe around her so I make really sure that they can always feel safe around me. I don't drink much these days any way but I'm always very careful not to be drunk when they're around.

I wouldn't show your son the court documents, not for a long time. I think they will be too cold, clinical and explicit. But there must have been incidents when he was in his mum's care when she was so out of it that she behaved inappropriately and wildly inconsistently. Maybe pick a time when he's not angry at you and ask him about what he remembers. He may say nothing for fear of being disloyal to his mother. That's ok. If he does tell you something that happened that you weren't aware of, try really hard not to get angry no matter how bad the situation was. He needs to feel safe to tell you this kind of thing.

One final thing - take opportunities to look after yourself, too. Accept help from those who offer it. Ask for help when you need it. Being a single parent can be hard work even without the extra crap thrown in to the mix caused by having to deal with an ex who has addiction problems. I love my children dearly but I do really benefit from having some time to myself when I can.

caringdad66 · 21/08/2013 16:52

what a fantastic message! thanks ever so much, your advice and wisdom are very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Fraxinus · 21/08/2013 17:01

Maybe pick a time when he's not angry at you and ask him about what he remembers.

This is a really good idea.

Also, at 10, children can understand something of your discipline methodology. If child was not disciplined consistently by mother, then it might be a good idea to talk about the consequences of that, and discuss different approaches to discipline.

God luck!

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/08/2013 21:15

Firstly mum currently is the Disney parent all fun and games. You are boring and set and enforce the rules. Yes he is going to buck against this and want to go where it looks fun.
However, this is not his decision nor your decision. A court listened to all the evidence and made a decision. I don't think you need to show him all the paperwork just list it like this.
His behaviour to you is normal, my DD says stuff like this to me regularly mostly after I have told her she has to do something she doesn't want to like go to bed on time, do homework etc.
It is tough, it is wearing and it does eat away at you. But you are not alone most of us get this kind of stuff thrown at us.

Helpforyou1 · 22/08/2013 10:23

Don?t need to hide behind a decision made by a bureaucrat.. perhaps He really miss mum.. and what a stranger ordered will not protect you of being hated once he is old enough?

Now, as a parent, what would YOU do?? don?t care what the state wants, the state it?s the worst parent out there. (just see the outcome of children bright up by the state. so I wouldn?t rely on them..

Is his mummy a danger to your son?? Has he been hit/smacked by mummy? Perhaps you should let your son see her more often.. I repeat.. when he is a bit older.. you won?t be able to hide behind an Court order.

BabiesAreLikeBuses · 23/08/2013 23:11

My situation is different and children younger but my dd sometimes says she wants daddy after being told off by me, especially if it is just after contact. I tell her that i know she misses daddy and is angry because she has been told off - but daddy would tell her off for behaviour x too. They're smart. She also tells daddy that she wants mummy if he tells her off. I'm trying to validate her feelings but also discourage her playing us off against each other. When she is no longer angry we sometimes talk about it so that she knows it's ok to tell me how she feels. Ds on the other hand needs almost forcing to talk about it, i know when he needs to as he starts getting aggressive towards me then flips to sobbing...

I work with ten year olds, although intellectually he'll understand the papers emotionally he probably isn't ready for that amount of detail. He will probably have talked about drugs and alcohol at school, maybe addiction too, but i'd keep it simple.

Aside from that follow snorbs advice, it's great!

cestlavielife · 23/08/2013 23:27

You Can ask gp to refer for few sessions with a family therapist (or maybe addictions specialist) counsellor to talk with you and your son and with you. They will use various techniques to get him to express how he feels and what he wants and this can lead to discussions On what is achievable snow and what is not.
Yes he needs to be told truth at age appropriate factual level eg based on what he has experienced.

Ask for some help with this .

Courts. Ss don't remove a child lightlyif there ar egenuine reasons why overnights are not safe right now then that is how it is. Stick to those four hours now as he gets older you can increase .

You can certainly tell him that right now he is too young to decide who to live with and because of his mother.s illness or problems or however you tell it it isn't possible right now to live with mum. But over the next year or so this will be reviewed.

At ten he is old enough t understand but also it is fair he gets to be heard too maybe ina family therapy session ..I have done this with my dds as dad has severe mh issues and it has been v useful.

betterthanever · 23/08/2013 23:41

OP you sound like a wonderful father and asking for help demonstrates that further. I can't add anything to the wonderful advice you have already been given really, especially from someone in your position.

A parent's addictions are nothing personal against the child and the child needs to be repeatedly reminded of that. this is what stood out for me.

I agree with the need for you to be truthful without having to show things in black and white - DS will learn to trust you, they are not little for long and things he can't understand now will soon come clearer to him.

Good luck with any theraphy sessions you may look into and everything for the future. I hope you have friends in RL who can support you too and you get time for yourself as well - being a lone parent in any situation is not easy.

sandiy · 25/08/2013 07:34

The young carers service usually accessed through schools may be able to offer some support to your son.Unfortunatly the likelihood is that his mums behaviours have impacted on his identity often children take on a caring role.Because of this he is Probobly worried about how mun is managing without him,feels a responsibility for her in a way that other children the same age don t.
Try explaining that it's not for ever and things will change mum needs to get better and to get better she needs time to go to appointments try to get mum on board as well she won t want him unhappy.
Children love their parents no matter how shocking the parents behaviour is He will love his mum just because she was his mum He loves you he's just pushing the boundrys to see how much you love and want him.If his past experiences warranted social services removing him he will have experienced some pretty poor parenting so as hard as it is give it time, be patient, be consistent It's tough on you but you have the ability to rationalise your child does nt so you have to take the hits. things will improve.

twosquared · 26/08/2013 14:03

Snorbs has given fantastic advice, not sure if I can add anything!

For what its worth I'm a mum on the other side of the coin. My kids frequently tell me they hate me when I discipline them. They often pack their bag to go live with daddy - even though he has only spent 7 hours with them all year.

I've learned to say, "I understand you hate me but I love you and I will always love you no matter what and I am always here for you". This one single message repeated OVER and OVER and OVER seems to help.

My kids also want to know who is lying to them. My kids are too young to even mention substances, but my ex tells them I won't LET him see them which causes them great angst. All I've ever said is that there are grown up issues that need to be sorted out. It has also helped that from time to time the kids anger has occured in front of close friends who have been able to gently assure them (again with no details) that mummy is being totally honest. But I think being there for them no matter what is what they really need. Kids can't understand why a parent would let them down over and over again.

Similar to Snores, I remind my kids regularly that even though one parent isn't there all the time it doesn't mean that they don't love them and vice versa. Also it helps to NEVER EVER put down your ex. Your ex is their mother and they see any negative comment about their parent also as an attack on them.

My mantra for the kids is along the lines of "Daddy doesn't see you so much now, but hopefully it won't always be that way. Mummy and daddy both love you. I can't answer for daddy's decisions in life, only he can do that. But YOU are a amazing and you are loved."

Good luck!

summerbreezer · 26/08/2013 19:43

There is some stunning advice on this thread, but Helpforyou's is not one of them.

Do NOT ignore the Court Order. You may well find the child being removed from your care too.

But for what it's worth, you sound like a wonderful father. Your son will come to appreciate all you have done for him.

starlight1234 · 26/08/2013 22:28

I learnt on a DV course that you need to tell the kids what they need to know... It depends on each child ( I think this is the same in addiction)

I think sounds great to ask what he knows so you understand what he knows..

I also with my son when he behaves badly... I tell him I do not like his behaviour but I love him..

I told my son so often it wasn't his fault he started rolling his eyes..he knew it simply needed to believe it himself

It sounds like you are doing a great job and keep it up..he will settle in time

mabeg3 · 31/08/2013 14:56

Poor kid! He loves his mum and even though your care is far better, he probably feels that he let his mum down....mad I know, but he must have gone through a pretty horrible time prior to the court case, and his mum is probably playing an emotional blackmail card....he also may be very scared that he might actually have to go home to mum and back to the chaos etc. What a horrible place for him to be! And of course he takes all this out on you!

So, ask for support through his school - and a poss ref to a counsellor. The NSPCC are great and they could be a real support for you both. How about accessing a Family links course - not criticising your parenting at all, but again you could access lots of support and tips through these groups.

Please do not show his any of the court stuff - he is too young to fully understand and this will frighten him. Instead just let him know that his mum was not able to care for him properly and this is why he is with you -and never ever put down his mum. She has made poor choices and has paid the ultimate price - he will fully understand that in time - just let him continue to love her - the last line of twosquared comment is great common sense. And yes, don't ignore the court order.... Good luck!

HerrenaHarridan · 02/09/2013 00:22

Marking place, I can't get my thoughts out coherently at this time. But ill be back, snorbs advice was spot on Smile

HerrenaHarridan · 02/09/2013 21:23

Hi op, sorry it took me so long to get back to you.

You are on the right track already. Be honest with your son but not too frank.

Never under any circumstances bad mouth his mum in front of him. Always try and help him understand and see it from her point of view. This allows him to be angry with her instead of needing to defend her from you.

It is best if someone else discusses his mothers addiction with him IMO. With my much discussion and my best friends blessing and broke the news to her 10yo dd that her dad is a junkie. (Much more gently than that obviously)
We agreed it was better for her to hear bad things about her dad from someone who she loves and respects and is not her mum.

Because I'm not her mum I can say things to her that her mum can't, and she can take them in board in a way she couldn't from her mum.

He will already be very angry with her and he needs to know that it's ok tho be angry with her and that it doesn't devalue how much he loves her.

He will use her as a stick to beat you and it will hurt a lot. Suck it up, he can't help it and doesn't mean to. I did this to my mum re my dad it's normal kid behaviour.

The time will come to show him all the papers and when it comes, don't do it in anger, try and make it a part if the healing process not a justification if yourself.

I don't mean that to sound judgmental, I know it must be hard to have him blaming you and taking it all out on you but as the adult you have to understand that it's all part of the process and that in time he will fully understand.

I hope that all helps, and don't forget that suck it up doesn't mean you have to keep it inside, come vent to us Smile

kangarooshoes · 06/09/2013 19:58

Remember half his genetics are maternal, and if he thinks badly of his mum, he'll think badly of himself. It's especially important this doesn't come from you, the other person from whom he derives his sense of self.

My decision has been to say nothing bad about my son's father at all, and evade questions. There are other adults he can hear this from. I also don't believe in "storing up all the papers" for the future- that's just storing up bitterness to give him later.

I think, do your best to ignore the "I want to live with mum!" and just make it clear he lives with you. I quite often answer questions with "grown up stuff", which is frustrating for my son, but I think a lot less damaging in the long run that hear stuff about your parents you don't need to know. "But why can't I see daddy?" "Maybe one day, but there's grown up stuff that makes it difficult." My son's father's response would be "Because your mother wouldn't let me see you..." I know which I think sounds more dignified, and just doesn't make a child choose between "he said, she said".

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