Court access to newborn?

[scared123]

Hi-baby not even here yet!relationship with ex has broken down so much that he is now saying he is getting legal access and wants to go to court.anyone know what a reasonable amount of access is for a newborn and then going forward.arrangements for visiting the baby hadn't been agreed,but I was assuming most Saturdays and Sundays.. Then when I went back to work,it would be every other weekend prob for a full day,until he/she was old enough to stay over.also a mid week visit.(he lives an hour away).i will also be breastfeeding.what is reasonable access and what would the courts do/say.we are not married.
I wanted to be flexible and obviously want him to see his child,he is now being a control freak as we are not getting back together!...
18 years of hell with my ex to look forward to haven't I!

Hi scared I'm no expert, but from researching this myself I think the courts usually recommend little and often, so maybe an hour at a time but 3 times a week. I think every other weekend is usually for much older children, but hopefully someone who knows more will be a long shortly to help you more!

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

You need to look at being flexible. I think (from experience) you should supervise initially as you are primary carer and baby will need you there, especially if you are bf.

I would start low, what is he saying? I would say an hour twice a week to start off with.

What were the issues in the relationship if you don't mind me asking?

Issues were his mood swings,aggression,inability to handle stress...controlling tendancies.all came to a head after the shock pregnancy :/ and has gradually deteriorated to this.i think he wishes he was the pregnant one so he has all the control!
Thanks for the congratulations :) yes the weekends were for when baby is maybe 2 or 3. I just don't know what the courts process is,or what is a "typical" access agreement.it is a relief it has come to this if I am honest,means he has pushed it so far that we can have less contact and I get less stress.i don't want the upset while pregnant-no good for baby!i think he is digging his own grave... As now I am not sure about what we had previously agreed,such as happy amicable contact that is best for happy parents=happy child.him coming to every appt and the birth.a silly hybrid name so child can have his name.finding out the sex when I didn't want to... So not sure i still want any of that now!this is ultimately his reaction to the fact that (after he initiated a split)i don't want to try again.

Also,was thinking the newborn contact would be at my house or my mothers...with me in the house!

There is no `typical' contact arangement - there are lot of variables involved and ALL must be taken into consideration. Do not let anyone bully you into what you know if best for your situation.

Does your exp have lots of money? as the court process is very expensive and you would be encouraged to attend mediation first.

My advice - keep a record of all communincation between the two of you and make as much as you can in writting and have someone with you at all times if you meet up with him face to face. You may need this in the future. Do nothing in haste.

It is not about what you or your exp wants it is what is best to give the baby/child the best life possible and contact has to benefit the baby/child.

Conflict is the second worst thing that creates bad outcomes for children - poverty is the first. Whatever contact arangements there are they must offer the baby/child a conflict free environment - exp needs to understand that bullying and threats of court are really not the best option here. You well being does count no matter what any lawyers say.

Seek a free half hour of legal advice now but remember they represent people like your ex too so shop around for someone who may be most suitable- ring cafcass who will also advice you, in fact get as much info as you can - do not listen to threats of court - that should be a last option not a first.

Young babies should not be away from the birth mother for long periods esp. if you are breast feeding and you are under no obligation to have anyone in your home unsupervised at any time.

Hi scared123 ,

I share your problem! I am in almost the exact situation. The only difference being that ex and I also have a 21 month old, and that I will not have ex in my house. I posted a similar question on MN and was advised that reasonable access for a breastfed newborn is an hour or so two or three times a week, in a cafe or soft play area. I am happy for ex to take newborn out for a walk too.

Some other things that have been helpful, I deal with almost everything to do with ex via e-mail. Then there is a record, and there is less tendency to rise to the bait that way. Face to face it's just nappies, meals and naps.

We are going to go to mediation to sort access out in more detail, I think that this is now almost compulsory before going to court. It was fairly useful when we did it the first round.

My opinion about ex to the scans etc is that this is your body, he has every right to know results but no entitlement to attend at all. Smacks of guilt tripping / controlling to me. If you want him there, that is another matter. Same goes for the birth. Not sure that i'll tell ex when I go into labour.

Hth.

There's no way I'd have an ex, especially one you don't get on with at the birth. You need to feel comfortable and relaxed as much as possible. He has no right to be there and it will make no difference to your child. I think you should rethink that bit for a start. Some fathers think it somehow gives them extra 'rights' in terms of PR but it makes no difference. Try to work out the rest in mediation but little and often is normally considered best for a baby. it is impractical to spend too much time away from you and baby will need to see him frequently (rather than for long periods) to develop good bonds with him.

Why on earth are you inviting him to YOUR medical appointments or even considering him attending the birth.

Your birthing partner should be someone who can support you during the birth not just a observer whose only interest is the baby at the end.

If he's aggressive controlling and has mood swings,why are you giving into his control by making arrangements for a child who does not even exist yet.

Take a step back relax put it out of your mind until the baby is here before then you have no reason to even get into it with him,its pointless.

As the others have said what is normally advocated is little but often with mum not to far away but that's only if its safe to do so.

He may end up being one of those who has no involvement at all unless everything is done the way he wants it to be done on his terms and stuff whats best for the baby. It he may have an about turn and really turn it around put the baby first and be great. You will not even have a vague idea what option he's going to take until baby is actually here.

Omg OP I'm so sorry. This sounds absolutely awful. I think you are dealing with narcissists here and that means they will have zero empathy for you. Try not to be scared as they will not be able to get full custody of your baby. Im pretty sure 50/50 isn't granted for babies at all. I would let the solicitor deal with all correspondence. Maybe start up a savings account for solicitors fees now. In my own experience I found the solicitor to be a wonderful buffer between myself and insane narcissists.

Hi I cannot advise you on a newborn and court.

I went to court with DS dad our DS is older though so it's different this year.

Before court though can you try family mediation? The Courts push families down the route first and you need to at least try as you need a C100 form before you apply for a child arrangement order.

Court is stressful and depending on your earnings and your ex it may cost you both!

Id just relax a little about it all, its hard. I drove myself crazy when my ex was threatening court. Still waiting for that to happen haha!

Be reassured, you don't have to have him at appointments or the birth, that is upto you. Dont get into debate about it, just text him the outcome. Offer him small amounts of supervised contact, if he refuses or gives you abuse, just stop it and wait for him to take you court (if he ever does). Court wont make you send a baby to him for weekends, it just doesn't happen like that. Do not put him on the birth certificate at all and take him to CMA.

I would advise to put him on the birth certificate it's important and it's for your child not yourself OP. Courts do ask if the father is on the birth certificate.

Also depending on weather you think he's the type to set up a direct debit and put the money in your bank without fail.. CMS may find it harder I think they did ask me about the birth certificate too when I went through them.

CMS do not ask about a birthday certificate at all. I know someone who isnt on the birth certificate of a child and has to pay CMS as CMS told them they wold have to prove the child isnt theirs to not pay CMS.

Don't have the man anywhere near you or your child until he has proven himself to be safe to be around. Don't let him near you while pregnant - the child has nothin to do with him until the child is born and you dont want to have him at the birth - you need supportive loving people at the birth.

If he takes you to court, and you tell the court everything you have said here, he will have to prove he is reliable and safe for the child. He will most likely have to see the child with a cafcass worker in a neutral space for an hour at a time for several weeks.

He may have to take an anger awareness course and parenting course too. Ensure you have correspondence via email or messages you can save, not verbally in case it does go to court.

For now, have nothing to do with him at all and concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy and being a mum. Dont let him stress you out with his nonsense.

THIS THREAD IS 8 YEARS OLD

As now I am not sure about what we had previously agreed,such as happy amicable contact that is best for happy parents=happy child.him coming to every appt and the birth.a silly hybrid name so child can have his name.finding out the sex when I didn't want to... So not sure i still want any of that now!

He has absolutely zero rights to ANY of the above. Nothing. You don't have to allow him into antenatal appointments, you don't have to allow him at the birth, you can register the baby by yourself with any name you like.

No.

@MrsRobbieHart

THIS THREAD IS 8 YEARS OLD

Oh shit, as you were...