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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Too much access?

12 replies

Sasquatch75 · 19/08/2013 03:12

My ExH wants to see our 3 DCs loads, which is good, but also bad for me... He's only been gone 2 weeks and has had them all weekend for both weekends, plus 2 half-days. He's having them next weekend too and also asked for them on Friday as he's off work. He got annoyed when I said I didn't want to be apart from them for 3 days in a row... Said 'well that's what I have to do'! It was his decision to leave and not bother trying to fix our marriage (for the record nothing happened, he just decided he didn't love me anymore).

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am? He's been off work for 4 weeks with stress so will only have them at weekends soon...

OP posts:

StephenFrySaidSo · 19/08/2013 03:16

what ages are the children and what do they want?

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 19/08/2013 04:09

They are 2, 4 and 6. I'd already arranged to take them to the farm with some friends on Friday, and they know about it, so I don't want to disappoint them.

OP posts:

calmingtea · 19/08/2013 07:05

YANBU - you have made plans with friends.

Tuckshop · 19/08/2013 07:31

If you've made plans already then that's a valid reason. I know its early days and everything is raw still, But I'm afraid not wanting to be without them for 3 days isn't a valid reason.

I'd suggest you have a think about how contact with each of you us going to work. It's better to have a set pattern to negotiate around, rather than ad hoc arrangements where no one can plan ahead.

And don't do yourself out of weekends either, otherwise you will end up with no fun time with them.

foolonthehill · 19/08/2013 09:04

Have you a mutual friend (or relative) who you could set out dates for the next (???3 months) and plan . Otherwise there is going to be a constant back and forward of negotiations him badgering you. Stick it all on google calendar or similar. That way you both know where you stand. He may be panicking at being without the DC and you are no doubt in shock....you need space and he needs security to know the DC are going to have a relationship with both of you.

On here I have seen term time of every other weekend and one week day night floated as a reasonable starting point with half of school hols.

Write all your negotiations...in fact for preference conduct negotiations on email or text so you can consider what is reasonable and in the best interests of the children rather than being pushed around...or digging your heels in when you are caught on the hop.

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 19/08/2013 09:19

Thanks, yes I'm definitely still in shock. I didn't realise how unhappy he was until the start of June... 2 months later he left, after nearly 12 years together!

I'm feeling a massive amount of hurt from him - he's being very cold and distant and I'm finding it hard as I'm the one who has to sort out finances, benefits etc.

I know I have to think about what the DCs would want, and obviously they want to see their dad too.

The calendar thing sounds like a good idea, and will stop us assuming things. When he left, he wanted to only see them every other weekend, and I told him many times that wasn't enough for the DCs, especially as they're so young. So maybe I finally got through to him! The weekends are very long - 9.30am on saturday to 8pm on sunday.

So for me, I'm having to deal with the pain of him leaving, and also not being with the DCs either. I know it'll get better with time, but it's killing me atm :(

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 19/08/2013 09:39

How about proposing friday afternoon to sat pm one weekend and sat late afternoon to Monday morning the next? with a week day for early tea then home?

You will have to make sure that your eldest is not too tired for school...there is a lot to be said for routine and predictable days....flex round those

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 19/08/2013 10:03

He's off work with stress at the moment (mainly guilt about leaving us... seeing a counsellor too), but will be back to his normal mon-fri 9-5 hours next week... he can't take them on a friday evening as he's staying with his friend so has them overnight at his parents house which is an hours drive away. Plus the reason he picks them up at 9.30am on saturday is because of swimming lessons.

My 4 year old starts school soon too, so will be even more tired bless him.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 19/08/2013 10:54

That is fine...but every weekend leaves you without any fun time. There is nothing to stop him alternating Friday and Saturday evenings if his parents will have him. Swimming can be moved.

your children need both of you. Both of you need fun times. Parenting means parenting not just being fun dad and leaving the drudge to you. Even though you said every other weekend was too little, you are allowed to change your mind once reality is biting...and you are in school holidays so this is not typical. he can do tea out once or twice a week.

he left, he has to sort out appropriate places and times to see the children, you can be accommodating but these are not your problems to sort out.

skat73 · 19/08/2013 20:29

Hi sasquatch I am in exactly same position as you. Exdh left four weeks ago out of the blue saying he doesn't love me anymore. We have two dc (6 months and 5) and he is really cold and unfeeling about tge whole thing. I am so angry at him for not even trying to work things out and I like you have been left with sorting finance out as well as dealing with being heartbroken that the family has come to an end. Re dc I feel sick about them being away and at the moment it is ad hoc but I need to sort out a structure soon. I hope you can sort it out please feel free to pm me perhaps we can support each other.

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/08/2013 20:32

You do realise if you let every weeks end continue being his contact time you are setting up a patten and in the future it will be considered to be the status quo and be almost impossible to change.

So good bye any weekends you may want good bye any holidays you want to take, you end up with no fun time at all.

starlight1234 · 26/08/2013 22:45

I agree..You do need fun times with the kids otherwise you end up the one doing all the getting to bed.drugery of the week...

It does seem though he said he wanted them every other weekend and you told him it wasn't enough then don't like it...I can understand your head is in a mess but you need to be realistic..Esp as in a couple of years all three will be in school..

It is also easier for the kids wen they know the routine

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