A bit of moral support for my court case coming up!

[ProtectiveMother]

Hi everyone. I don't want to post a lot of details about it but I have a family court case being heard in a few weeks and I am really nervous! I am a regular Mumsnet aficionado but I've namechanged for this. My ex, who is nasty (emotional, physical abuse, lies, manipulation) has been playing the system and I do feel like a pawn. Need to find some strength to give him a good fight. If you can tell me some of your stories and help me out with advice, court prep tips or anything at all- suggested reading online? Whatever! Would be very, very much appreciated!! You're always so supportive to me. Don't desert me in my hour of need ye hear? (Just had to change my name as had already given lots of detail under my previous name so need to protect myself a bit. There may be Mumsnet spies who knows?!) ;-)
Thanks all!

Nb. This is a case re: residency. The children reside with me but he wants them for some overnights and holidays. History of neglect and irresponsible behaviour. No evidence. 'My word against his.'

THANK YOU!

Hi protective. I haven't had a great experience with the courts but wanted to wish you luck. Have you got a solicitor? If so make sure they are totally clear of what you want beforehand but bring a pen and paper in with you so you can write notes if you want to tell your solicitor something inside the court as whispering does not look good. Have an early night , make sure you are looking good so you will feel good and confident. Try.not to cry etc and keep composed. Ok to show bit of emotion but.I've made the mistake of.being hysterical which the judge didn't like and doesn't help you think. I really.hope it goes well for you and your kids. X

wishing you well....my post would be the same as your OP...hope someone can come along and hold your hand an be a voice of reason for you (us)

I assume that you have looked at Sturge and Glaser's 2002 (??) report for your information and had a glance at Bancroft and Silverman "When Dad hurts Mom"?

Unless you can prove anything he will get more access and overnights.

thats that may be true but you haven't given the op any encouragement or resources to use to help her either to get through the court process or to look after her children and cope with what may or may not happen....there is no definite until the ruling. Sometimes these men do shoot themselves in the foot by their behaviour in court

Op whatever happens you will get through it and you will give your children a "voice" to speak out about things they don;t like/want and a safe and loving home to take refuge in. They will not always be young. perhaps your ex will earn, perhaps he will get bored once the fight is over.

Is "giving him a good fight" the goal? Not your kids happiness?
He will be granted some access so if you want to prepare accept this and get realistic on making some concessiosn for the sake of your children.

it is true that we all need to do what is right for the children. However the court process is tricky and can be used and manipulated by unscrupulous people. As the "Rights of Women" report of 2012 demonstrated, in cases of domestic violence the courts often appear to err in the direction of contact being the best and only route rather than necessarily questioning whether safety (emotional, mental, physical) for the children and the rp is undermined by this.

Fighting for our children's welfare is what we do....it does not mean that it is wrong. However "fighting" the other parent is not or should not be the goal

My best advice is to research and get yourself the best, most pro women and children solicitor that you can. I am hopefully nearing the end of my journey - but it's been over 2 years and I am, at times, utterly exhausted.
My solicitor has been my lifeline - she has stood up for the children and I at every corner, and if it wasn't for her, my abusive Ex would have gained unsupervised access a lot sooner.
One of the things that you may find useful to research is a Fact Finding Hearing, or 'RE L' hearing. This is used when DV can't be proven by police records etc. Mine went in my favour, and after that, it was considerably easier to strip Ex and OW of much of their 'power' in court.

Do you have a Cafcass report? That's generally the vital thing.

Professor.

Its highly likely that the children's happiness and safety depends on mum giving a damn good fight.

Op, if you can talk to rights of women

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

They are very hard to get hold of but they are very very good.

Be calm and no matter what he says or does do not under any circumstances come across in court as being stroppy or bitter. Focus on safe contact rather than contact.

As the poster upthread said use the sturge and Glason report the lower courts have to follow it.

If you have a fact finding hearing ( you will if no cautions or other convictions exist and he Denys abuse) be 100% honest don't be tempted to ham it up or minimise it, all it takes is one bit of dishonesty and your screwed. Be prepared for him to make out your making it all up it remain clear consistent and honest and he will trip himself up.

Do you have good legal support? Unless you are really very savey and very articulate (but that can go against you if they play the "its not fair I'm so stupid and she's so clever she's put me at a disadvantage card) it is essential.

In the mean time focus on how to minimise disruption to the children and maximise safety because if your ex does not seriously fuck up or give up he will at some stage get unsupervised access unless you are really very lucky.

Ways to do this

Talk to your local children's services or sure start centre and directly ask if they can provide you with details of org's in your area providing specialist children's support to children who have witnessed DV (stress that there is no contact now) and find out how you can get a referral.

Don't fret its play based support the kids enjoy it and it does not drag up old memories but they are very very good at dealing with child concerns about contact ( even if you don't know they have them) and will if needed provide prevention support if anything is disclosed that happens during contact.

If your anywhere near me I'm happy to forward you details of the ones we use.

Make sure your children understand about good secrets and bad secrets and that you will never blame them or tell them off for disclosing worries.big up violence being wrong and not there fault.

And most importantly document everything you can of a concerning nature date time what was said who was about that sort of thing and keep every communication from him ( if you can engineer it so its all email or text).

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted. Really great advice and very much appreciated as I have only a little support. My solicitor is good and very experienced but with no evidence she has had to hand over quite a bit of unsupervised contact so far so my ex has the kids quite a few daytime hours per week every week (unsupervised) already.

The reason I mentioned the 'fight' was because I've been feeling pessimistic and about to throw in the towel. These things can get on top of you when very few people seem to be listening in the real world. (Not you MN people- you're great!)

I don't know if it's a fact-finding hearing or not but that can go on my list of questions for my solicitor. I haven't even met the barrister who I'll have on the day yet, which worries me a little but it's standard practice. At least I know she's being briefed on details.

Thanks for the readings. I will do these.

Great advice to figure out what I'm going to wear. These little things are good to do now as I won't have time later. (It's in a few weeks.)

Keep 'em coming!

Soooo inexperienced with this kind of thing but if he gets overnights and holidays, I will be a very worried and upset mummy! I think I'm ok re: seeming normal and not bitter in court because unlike him, I am telling the truth and unlike him, I have my children's interests (and safety) very much at heart.

Hi Protectivemother - Sock and others have already given you excellent advice. Do check if it is a fact finding hearing to prepare yourself.

If it is just a directions hearing and if he is already having unsupervised access, unless you have strong evidence of something happening on one of those contacts he WILL get overnight and holiday contact. The best way I found therefore is to write down what you are prepared to give - ie. every other Sat night and one week in summer. That is probably about the minimum, so if you are prepared and OFFER and suggest that, you are seen to be reasonable, and a judge couldn't really impose much more. It also takes the wind out of the sails of the other side! If your barrister offers it to his barrister before you go into the judge you may even draw up a consent order to that effect and not see a judge. That would be a cheaper option.

That way you come away not feeling that you have lost, as such. He may well then after the court hearing, lose interest and walk away or not bother anyway. Remember with abusive people, it is all about the control, and power. The drama of a court case, whilst terrifying for us, is huge drama and excitement for them, as that is what they thrive on. If you don't give him the drama and get it over with fairly quickly, then he may well, fingers crossed, turn his attention elsewhere.

Good luck - we are with you in spirit!

Thanks. These posts have really helped me. It's so hard to find time to prepare for court with kids, back to school etc!

Hi everyone. Court date approaching (final hearing) and unfortunately I have had to drop my solicitor as she really wasn't up to the mark and the barrister she got for me wasn't terribly well informed either. Anyway I knoe that was the right decision. It's quite dramatic as I will have to go into court this week and ask the judge for an adjournment to find a new solicitor. It's late in the day to change but I had to make the decision. Fingers crossed that I will be given the adjournment!!! Have left a text message for 'Rights of Women.' Hoping they will call me. Any advice much appreciated.

What is a Cafcass report?

Cafcass report is when judge asks cafcass do look into the case interview both parents and the children and file a report. If you have not had one that could be next step and buys time.
Cafcass officer will make a recommendation re contact

I have looked at this a little online. Kids being 6 & 3 and oblivious to their fathers irresponsible, neglectful behaviour and abuse, I think a Cafcass report, like the opinion of the Court Children's Officer (my ex charmed her and lied to her. She believes him over me) might do me more harm than good!!! :-(

( sorry that was a long sentence)

Rights of women is supposed to be just for women in London.

Anyone know of a UK wide advice line on legal issues???

Would be a fab resource for me.