Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Guilt and Consequences

13 replies

EternalSunshine11 · 17/08/2013 20:45

My ExP cheated on me earlier this year and we split very quickly as a result. ExP then started a relationship with that person, and I have moved out of the family home, sharing roughly equal time with DC. I had no idea things were so close to ending and have found the changes hard, especially as I thought we were committed to trying to make things work for DC as we had a long road to having a child.

Despite me being hurt more than anything, ExP behaves irrationally on a regular basis as a result of guilt I can only presume. The problem is, no matter how hard I try to make things ok so DC doesn't have even more disruption and negativity, in ExP's eyes I can do no right and I have everything thrown back at me.

I don't think my ExP thought thought the consequences of our split, and the fact I don't need to check in keep in touch when I have DC is a HUGE issue. Am I unreasonable to expect my time to be my time, and not have demanding texts to know DC is ok, has arrived at destinations ok, is happy, and have phone calls everyday. At 2yo, is this fair? To me it is confusing for DC to receive calls everyday, and this is obvious when DC doesn't want to talk (again my fault).

When we split I knew the reality of no longer being a family unit, have other people experienced cheating partners struggling with the reality of life post split?

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 17/08/2013 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lackedpunchesforever · 17/08/2013 21:14

Part of this will also probably be to convince the OW of his parenting credentials - look what an amazing daddy he is
Agree with handing the phone straight to your son. When Ex gets bored with shouting 'hello, hello' into abandoned phone, he may be more amenable to some reasonable discussion about appropriate contact.

Original poster

EternalSunshine11 · 17/08/2013 21:19

We have this all agreed through mediation which is the joke! I said I didn't agree with phone calls, but agreed to try them, at the time I said they could be used against each other if they didn't work out - which they have on ExP's part as DC hasn't wanted to talk for long, but this in my fault as I don't facilitate enough! I shouldn't have to facilitate at all IMHO!

I think you are right about controlling arse! I put up with it whilst we were together, but now I don't need to so just need to stand my ground more! It's hard when i truly want DC to not have to go through as much hurt as possible.

How old were your DC's when you split? DC is very good language wise, just not on the phone as it is all so immediate and what is happening in the moment!

OP posts:

WithConfidence · 17/08/2013 22:23

DS was just 2 and about 50/50 on saying Hello/tantrumming if phone was anywhere near him to talk to anyone.

Now is just 3 and able to have a few sentence convo, if he's in the mood.

ProphetOfDoom · 18/08/2013 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sasquatch75 · 18/08/2013 10:13

I've only just split with my husband (his decision). We had a couple of weeks where we told the DCs that he was on a course as he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore, so ha some 'time out'. He phoned them every bedtime and I didn't interact at all. My 6 year old spoke the most, but the other 2 (aged 2 and 4) barely said a thing. Bit of a one-sided phone call but there it is! Now he's gone, he doesn't call them at all during the week! He's been signed off work with stress so has so far seen them during the week as well as the weekend, but I don't expect him to call them during the week...

BetsyJPierce · 18/08/2013 10:39

OP your ex sounds like my H's ex (who was also the cheater & left the family home) - she's got so much guilt flying around that it's hard to steer clear sometimes!

You are absolutely entitled to ex-free nosiness when DC is with you. Just as long as you give ex the same respect and distance to let him parent when she's with him. Be strong and polite, and if he won't stop calling/texting during your time then then your phone off (& tell him ahead of time you're doing so).

professorgrommit · 18/08/2013 13:09

Of course you are entitles to privacy and control in your parenting time but equally he is entitled to know his kids are ok and to speak to them. Think long term and that arrangements will be two way - how will it be if you could not speak to dc when they are with him, if he obstructed calls from you to dcs as per some ops suggest? Go back to mediation or talk with him constructively about his behaviour being too intrusive. This is your dcs future happiness so put your feelings aside and get a workable agreement.

Reality · 18/08/2013 13:15

Are you the father? Your post is oddly gender neutral.

I think you would have got different replies if you'd stated that.

One phone call a day to check her 2yo is ok is not excessive, imo.

PlotTwist · 18/08/2013 13:26

When me and xh2 split (no cheating involved), he used to call our dds every night, and quite often would pop in after school to see them. My kids were a little older, 9 and 7. I neither encouraged nor discouraged this, the girls were free to request a phonecall any time they liked. My problem was that they also demanded I ring them up on the nights he had them. Eventually I dropped this (so fun being on a night out/ a date and having to be really noncommital as to where I was so they didn't ask lots of questions). Fast forward a couple of years and the only time I hear from them whilst they are at his place is if they have forgotten something, or want something.

It was hard work in the beginning, I remember saying to someone that I saw more of him once we'd split than before, but now it's settled down and we have an easy friendship going. If I need him, I can call and vice versa.

Could you say to him, "look, you're a good parent, I trust you with our child, I assume that when he's with you, he's okay and I don't want to seem as if I'm checking up on you by ringing every two minutes. I assume you think I'm an okay parent too, so how about we have a two minute 'say goodnight' call and if there's any problems, we can deal with it then?" Which won't eliminate the problem entirely, but it's one call a day with a reason. Also, if he sees the other side of this phone call, and has to deal with a 2 yo who doesn't want to use the phone, he may be more sympathetic to you.

ProphetOfDoom · 18/08/2013 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WithConfidence · 18/08/2013 16:59

If they have equal time with dc I'm not sure it matters who is who. Not the same situation as a NRP who takes a dc for one week holiday once a year.

betterthanever · 18/08/2013 18:59

Your exp does sound controling and I too think this post is from a man but it makes no difference to my responce.
I often find people use defence as the best form of attack - I think how much contact you have `in each others time' is a tough one, espcially if the arangements are new and DC need time to adjust. It may improve naturally as trust and confidence and familiarity with the arangements improves. It's all new to you all so people on all sides may feel a little insecure.. if that borders controlling? maybe but I would see how it goes for now maybe try gently to get boudaries in place you are all happy with - as no contact arangements are every forever anyway.

Flip