NEVER thought I'd be posting here but...... got some questions after my split with H

[Toothache]

2 main questions are:

How much maintenance should I be expecting from H. I earn double what he earns. What costs is he expected to cover? Half of childcare?

His family are in Liverpool and the split has been less than amicable (he is up in court 29th June for assaulting me). What rights will he have to take the kids to Liverpool for weekends etc? Its 280 miles from me and I don't think I'll trust him for a looooonnng time.

Many thanks in advance.....

Hi toothy. Haven't posted on your threads, but have lurked. Afraid I have no advice, but wanted to say you are doing a great job. Stay strong. And you definately have my sypathy (and admiration).

Hope someone more knowlegdable comes along soon (I'm sure they will).

hello petal

no idea on maintenance but I don't think your earnings will come into it would they? He needs to provide for his children surely?

no way to taking them to Liverpool, no way whatsoever. He would have to come to Scotland to visit, do you have a third party where you could leave the children so you don't have to meet him?

ball is most definitely in your court on access imo, considering the circs so he doesn't have a leg to stand on getting stroppy (if he is planning to). Hope you can sort it and keep it civil for the sack of your bambinos .

xx

Thanks folks.

He just texted me asking me to keep what I needed from his wages (paid into my account tomorrow ).... and could I please transfer the rest.

He's been signed off work until after sentencing. He wants to go round to my Mums tomorrow to see the kids. She looks after them on a Friday. I said thats fine. They need to see him, ds misses him SO much.

Then he's off back down to Liverpool.

Toothache, you're best off calling \link{http://www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk/\the one parent families helpline} They'll be able to give you good advice about all these issues, particularly how to go about ensuring that he's not granted sole contact without addressing his violence.

Your earnings don't come into what he should pay for maintenance. It is 20% of his income via CSA guidelines for 2 kids. But if you have a house that you will need to sell it may be worthwhile foregoing the maintenance instead of buying him out so your kids aren't disrupted by also moving house. I suppose it depends on what you can afford to do. Have you made an appointment to see a solicitor yet?

it's 20% of his income if you go through the CSA, toothy.

But if you can, you are best trying to avoid them and keep to a private arrangement if you think you can.

I do this with XP, he gives me £400 a month for DD, we just have our own arrangement.

HOw are you doing today?

Thanks Aimsmum,

20% of his income is only £250 per month and wouldn't even cover half the childcare though.... never mind the mortgage and feeding/dressing the kids!!

NO WAY! I'm shocked at that.
Surely they have got to look at the costs that we have for the kids? Our childcare is £600 per month.... surely he should at the very least be paying half of that????

Our outgoings are around £2000 per month.... am I supposed to pay £1750 of that AND by all the stuff for the kids?

I've supported his sorry fucking layabout arse for over 6 years whilst he ponced around on minimum wage training to be a Manager..... and the minute he's earning decent money I'm supposed to take ALL the costs for the kids?

Oh and what about the Marital Debts???????? I'm paying for all those too?

bump
Anyone? I'm getting worried now. He could come out of this verrrrrry happy whilst I'm left with all the cost.

Nothing really to advise Toothache - but just wanted to say I was sorry to hear you are going through this.

I did try to CAT you a wee while ago, as i was worried that we hadn't heard from yuo - and ds had been asking about your ds at the last few meet-ups.

Presumably your ds will be starting school in August. Won't that help your child care costs? Is there an after school club you can book him in to, as that is usually much less than a child minder?

Toothache you need to see a solicitor... and CAB

You can get LOTS of benefits as a single mother - you would possibly be better off not working, which is what several of my friends have chosen to do

mp - toothache is on a good salary though. Agree though that you might get benefits such as additional tax credits and I think maintenance isn't taken into consideration as income. Also you should be entitled to a council tax reduction due to being the sole adult in the household.

Toothache I've been following your story. I've got practical to say but I wanted to send my best wishes and to say how sorry I am. You seem to be handling things so well and staying strong. Not too strong I hope because you need to let it out. Maybe you have. I'm glad you've sorted out access to a pc again because MN can be really fab at times like this.

All the best. xx

it's a tricky one

whether you work or not, your DP only has to give you £250 a month regardless

and work minus £600 is often not so much

One of my friends had to earn nearly 30k in order for it to be worth her while working

So if you don't have savings then the benefits system can work in your favour while they are small

Having thought again following mo's post - I wonder if working fewer hours might also be an option?

yes it is low, i was shocked that when i became a single parent how little estranged parents have to pay out, i was always lead to beleive that they are taken for every penny!!!

my ex has to pay me 15% which is about £216.00 a month and i find it so frustrating that he lives at home with his mum and so has no outgoings at all where as i have to provide a house, child care, (which is £100 a week) all the bills. clothing food etc, god i could go on and on!!!!
i find the whole thing terrible but can do nothing about it!

are you entitled to family tax credit, they could help with childcare costs

if you go to www.csa.gov.uk and look under new rules as you would be a new claim, it describes how the claim for the absent parent is worked out. You should start the ball rolling asap unless you can be sure that he will ay you. Also for both of you to keep a note of the money that he gives. Phone tax credit and cb as you get single parent allowance and also working tax credit id applicable/ council tax rebate etc

I wasn't married, but yeah, i was left with all the debts and everything while XP walked away with nothing, ready to start his new life debt free!

As someone else said you should get on to the WFTC people as you will be able to claim childcare, before DD started school almost the full cost of her nursery (private one) was being covered by them.

If you go to see a lone parent advisor at the job centre (hard to do when you are working, I know) they can often rush things through for you more quickly.

Welcome to the single parent world Toothache! I was sorry to read your news, but pleased that you seem to be coping so well with everything.

In my experience, the CSA is a huge fat pain in the arse and unless your dh plays ball, you don't stand to gain a lot at all. My miserable bastard ex, pays £300 per month for 4 kids and he is bloody rolling in it. I have to drive past our old home every day and his latest venture after his new car, new kitchen is having a dropped kerb altered, garden landscaped - lots of levelling required and apparently is also doing major work to his living room. It makes me sick and means I hate him more each day.

Your ex will only have to pay 20% unless you can come to an agreement where you might get more. You will have to rely on your wages and the government to sort out your childcare. Don't expect a lot though, single parents are meant to suffer as much as possible!

Fortunately, there are advantages to being single as I'm sure you'll find out.

Thanks everyone. I saw the Solicitor today and started the 'legal separation' ball rolling and got lots of advice.

He will only have to give me 20%..... unless we come to an agreement. I spoke to him today before the Solicitor as he got paid into my account. He was sitting in a car, with no petrol and no money to buy food, waiting for me to transfer money. I transferred all but £450 to cover half the childcare and the car (which he has). There was a problem at the bank with their systems and the money I transferred at 9.30am didn't reach his account until 3pm! Can you IMAGINE how hungry he was by then? I did feel sorry for him actually. He's like a child.

Anyway, basically I'm going to tell him that I need £450 per month. He'll go along with that unless his Mother gets her claws in.

I'm not entitled to any tax credits due to my earnings, in fact I just found out we OWE them £4000!!! Just what I need.

Solicitor advised me to draaaaaaag that one out as there have been so many cock-ups with the Tax Credits they'll probably not chase too much.

Anyway, he went to my Mums to see the kids today whilst I was working and spent 10mins crying, couldn't even speak to them. I think the hardest thing was my dd, who is SUCH a Daddy's girl, wouldn't go near him.

He's back at his folks now. He's going to phone every night to say Good Night to the kids. I think he got a real fright when he saw how quickly he had become a stranger.

I'm doing okay at the moment. Just worried about my job. I'm a Contractor so could lose my job at any minute!!! At least H's income was solid. I'm sure I'll manage.

It really helps to have MN back. Thanks everyone.

Good luck Toothy, we are all behind you x