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Original poster

My kids meeting his girlfriend!

24 replies

Narabug01 · 16/08/2013 14:56

Have been separated since end Jan and have started divorce proceedings.
Just found out from one of my 2 daughters that they have met his girlfriend and spent time together. Once at a family party and once walking round the local park together. I am furious as he did not even give me the curtesy of asking or telling me that this was going to happen. Also I asked him who was going to the family party and he did not mention her name. He knew I was asking if she was going.

Walking round the local park means lots of people would have seen them all together and everyone would just assume that I am ok with all of this, when I am totally not.

It has really upset me. These are my children too and this girlfriend may not even be around for long...last time he said they were on/off!

I am reluctant to even let him see the children now. What if she is there again - with my children! If they go off and stay with him again is she going to be there?

It has made me feel really sick and makes me just want to keep the girls close to me.

Can I say that I do not want him to see them for a while? I know it isn't fair but he has shown a complete lack of commitment to being with his children. Not putting them first is just wrong and shows what sort of a rubbish parent he is. Perhaps he gets her to look after the kids while he does something else. It makes my blood boil!

Any word of advise welcome - am in need!!!

OP posts:

Chandras · 16/08/2013 15:04

You know... There is nothing you can do about it, and trying to go against this may only make things more difficult for everyone involved and ultimately for your children.

He might have not been very thoughtful about introducing her so soon, but it is done, and as long as she is nice to the girls, you shouldn't worry too much about it. Children are incredibly resilient creatures. My ex introducing both his first girlfriend and his new partner to my son pretty soon, DS was fine with it and didn't read much in the situation, for him they were just another adult friend if his father taking some interest in him.

The important thing is to separate the girls' interests from yours. you might not be happy about this but as long as the girls are ok, just try to relax a bit (I know is difficult, but as I said, going against this may bring more heartache than you may imagine, he is an independent person now and you are not required to agree on things anymore, so it may come down to trust him that he will be choosing the right person to have around)

FrauMoose · 16/08/2013 15:09

I met my partner's children within a few months of he and his ex deciding to separate.

I enjoyed meeting them very much, although I wasn't that used to spending a lot of time with children.

His ex decided that I was 'the first of a string of unsuitable girlfriends' and complained to all her mates.

My partner and I have been together 18 years now...

iloveweetos · 16/08/2013 15:10

You really cant do anything about it. DD met ExP's gf and knew they slept in the same bed etc and now they're not together. Had to sit and talk to her about it as she had questions sometimes, but as far as her dad, i didnt talk to him once. Just not worth the hassle.
I agree with Chandras, most of the time they're not that bothered (mine wasnt, more asking questions about the way her dad told her they weren't friends anymore)...just make sure if they are bothered, they can talk to you.

HeySoulSister · 16/08/2013 15:16

Why would you try and stop them seeing their dad? You'd be punishing them for something they haven't even done

ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 15:25

can you clarify what your concerns are exactly?

how old are the dcs?

Original poster

Narabug01 · 16/08/2013 15:26

Good advise. You are right there is nothing that I can do about it and yes it has happened now. I am just really annoyed that he does not see this as parenting together and just seems to be doing things at his own pace and not considering what effect it may have on the kids. They are 2 and 6 so pretty young still.

Also right that she seems ok - apart from sleeping with my husband!!

I know I just have to get on with it, but this is really hard and heart breaking. when we had children it was to raise them together and not have someone else in the picture. I do not want her to be another mum to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Narabug01 · 16/08/2013 15:27

Is it right to confront him about it? I am really angry now but when I have calmed right down maybe I can tell him how annoyed I am with what he has done.

OP posts:

testedpatience · 16/08/2013 15:29

DD had to put up with meeting 4 of her Dads new GFs over the first year of our split and i had to bite my tongue on numerous occasions.

I blame dating sites entirely. Most newly divorced men pull up in a new car to piss you off, mine decides to bring an online date everytime

I managed to keep my mouth shut and DD dealt with it all really well considering she was only 6

You cant dictate to your Ex who the children meet or use contact as a weapon because it will end up hurting them in the long run and they wont thank you for it.

In 5 years time you will roll your eyes at his behaviour and not invest so much energy or emotion, so fake your indifference to it now until you make it a reality in the future.

Its not easy but your DC have to come first.

iloveweetos · 16/08/2013 15:30

This is going to sound harsh, but you have to just get over it. The best advice i ever got was when shes at his house, thats 'daddys time'and now its mummys time. I ask if shes had a good time and thats all i need to know. if she wants to talk about it, then we will but not about this and that. (if that makes any sense whatsoever)

Dont get too bogged down in what hes doing. Not worth it! Move on and do what you want with your life! you owe that to yourself and your children.

ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 15:31

you are separated- is only your husband legally- not emotionally- the commitment between you and he has already been severed.

what would you want to achieve by confronting him? is there a benefit to the children by doing so or just to make yourself feel better?

iloveweetos · 16/08/2013 15:31

Dont say a thing! you will regret it if you do.
ignore ignore ignore!!!
They want a reaction. dont give it!

ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 15:37

op with respect you are massively over-reacting! the children have met this woman twice and you are talking about her being another mum to them! calm down- has she said she wants to be their mum?

this is just your reaction to him moving on with someone else. you are clearly not over the relationship (comepletely normal its only been a few months) and struggling with him being with someone else. this woman has done nothing wrong.

"They want a reaction. dont give it!"
not necessarily. it's quite possible he has just met a woman he likes and is dating her- it more than likely has nothing to do with OP or getting a reaction from her.

balia · 16/08/2013 15:40

Unless you have a really good evidence that she is a danger to children, there really isn't any reason for them not to spend time with her, is there? And certainly using your 'power' in terms of threatening to stop the DC's seeing their Dad unless he does what you want regarding who he introduces his DC's to is not OK, at all.

In the long term, trust me, it would be better for the DC's to be allowed to have a reasonable relationship with their Dad's gf. I know my DD got a great deal out of her relationship with her SM - they are still in touch even though SM and DD's Dad got divorced.

iloveweetos · 16/08/2013 15:50

By all means date, but hold off introducing to the kids. It sounds a like a new relationship and to me i see it as wanting a reaction.

ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 15:53

well as you are neither the man or the woman in question you aren't really able to say tbh.

some people are just a bit stupid/selfish and don't think what effect their actions have on others- it really doesn't always = trying to get a reaction.

iloveweetos · 16/08/2013 15:56

I can say as its my opinion on the OP as your post said you opinion.
Also whether its for a reaction or not, she should ignore.

ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 15:59

you said 'they want a reaction' as if it's a fact. all that does is stir up more bad feeling with the OP when they might be completely oblivious to the OP. how does that help anyone?

Fairylea · 16/08/2013 16:04

I know it's a painful thing to go through. Its normal to be upset.

But as others have said there is really nothing you can do or say. He has as much right as you do to do whatever he likes with the dc during his time with them and that includes introducing them to whoever he likes. He doesn't have to ask your advice or permission, as you wouldn't have to ask his.

I would see this as a sign of moving forward, becoming more separate single parents with your own lives.

My ex and I are ten years down this road and one thing I have learnt is whoever he brings into dds life she will only ever have one mum.

No one can ever replace a good mum.

waltermittymissus · 16/08/2013 16:12

I don't understand. Confront him about what exactly?

Lackedpunchesforever · 16/08/2013 16:38

It hurts it hurts it hurts. I know how much it hurts. The woman currently trying to play mummy to my kids was instrumental in the breakdown of my marriage and I understand the pain. I hate her with every thread of my being, she has behaved appallingly towards me and she is a disgusting human being.

BUT there is not one thing that I can do about it. So I wave them off with a smile and a hug, I count the hours until they are home safe (Ex has history of physical and emotional abuse) and know that when they jump out of the car and run into my arms screeching Mummmmeeeeee that she is nothing. As long as she is decent to the children you can't ask for anything else.

But yes it hurts.

WithConfidence · 16/08/2013 17:58

I agree it is very hard, this is not the life you imagined for your children when they were born. And he has shown himself to be selfish and thoughtless by not letting you know. BUT...

There is nothing you can do. His time is his time to do what he wants in. You can only legitimately withold contact if you believe they are at serious risk of harm.

If you do a formal contact agreement ask for right of first refusal. Bascially if he (or you in your time) are not available to look after the dcs during contact, he has to ask you first to look after them, before anyone else.

Keep telling yourself that the more people there are around to love and watch out for them the better. And come and rant on here!

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 16/08/2013 18:11

It's so hard and it hurts. I found out that my exH had introduced my DC to his mistress while he was still married to me. Just called her 'a friend' but it was truly horrible when I found out. He's now living with her and the DC go on holiday with her and her DS and occasionally her family as well. It hasn't got better for me yet, only 2 years since we split, but they know who their mum is and I try hard to rant about it on here and with a few select friends only.

MN has given me a safe place to rant and has given me a different perspective and helped me to accept, though never like, the new status quo.

Bruthastortoise · 17/08/2013 10:54

So just stop the kids going to see him then OP. The kids will be upset and miss their dad but sure you can blame him for it, their dad will have lots of time to spend with his new partner and you'll be happy Might be a slight overreaction to some strangers seeing your children in a park with their dad but hey ho you need to make sure he knows who's boss.

purpleroses · 17/08/2013 13:55

I dated a few men when my DCs were those sorts of ages. My DCs met a couple of them. They had no notion that these were "boyfriend", still less any kind of new parent. They were.just friends of mine to my DCs. So I really wouldn't worry about any effect on your DCs even if it doesn't last.

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