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Lone parents

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Original poster

i am sick of being a babysitter without any notice or consideration

16 replies

ImNotBloody14 · 13/08/2013 19:57

so angry and I know I was out of line but I am so pissed off with this.

agreement between exp and I is that he has dc from 6pm Friday til 6pm sunday every other weekend and then 6pm Tuesday til 6pm Wednesday every other week (so he has them the Tuesday straight after the weekend he has them). before anyone says it, I know I am very lucky to have this sort of arrangement. the reason I know how lucky I am is because it took 8 years to finally get him to agree to having them overnight at all- I went 3 years without him having any contact at all so I know what its like to have no help at all from him.

but he is always changing the goal posts and not letting me know. for starters he never keeps them til 6 non the sunday, he always texts to say he'll be dropping them off early and on the one occasion I had dinner plans and told him I wouldn't be home before 6 he got stroppy and once again made me wait for the child maintenance.

he informed me in june that he wouldn't be having the dcs on his weekend (that happened to be my birthday weekend and I had plans to go out) because he was going on holiday, fine I said, so what are your holiday dates- it turned out he wouldn't be back til the Thursday of that week which meant he wouldn't be having them on the Tuesday night either, but when was he going to let me know?

then Friday past he didn't turn up for them, I sent him a message asking if he was coming and he said no, he had been called in to do nights at his work and couldn't have the dcs - so I had to cancel my plans with friends for Saturday and my car boot sale on sunday morning.

then today, there is no sign of him again so I send a message asking if he's coming and he replies saying he has been in a car accident (this happens regularly apparently and has not once resulted in him being hurt Hmm) so I asked if he would be coming for the dcs and got no reply. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't have a life, but I do, I've plans for the cinema this evening with a friend and i'm working tomorrow- but I dont think I should have to explain that in order to make him feel he should take the dcs on his nights!

so, and this is where I was probably out of line, I put the dcs in the car and took them to his house. the police were there when I arrived and ex just snapped at me "cant you wait a minute!" so I just went straight back to the car, got the dcs out and kissed them good bye telling them i'd see them tomorrow all cheery so they couldn't tell there was any issue. they went to their dad and I left.

I know I should have waited to talk to him properly but I am so angry at just being expected to wait for him all the time to decide whether he's going to bother turning up for them or even texting to let me know when he isn't so I can arrange babysitters or re-arrange my plans.

if he had texted me when he knew he wouldn't be coming for the dcs and told me what had happened and asked if it was ok for me to have the dcs tonight then I would have changed my plans and found someone to mind them tomorrow when i'm at work but the fact he just assumed my life was less important than his riled me so much.

so sick of it.

OP posts:
shellbot · 13/08/2013 20:14

I feel for you. Sometimes you just snap after putting up with things and do things that you probably would under different circumstances. Although I'm sure they'll be fine.

I've got an ex who does similar things. Last year he had 2 weekends away and just informed me that he wouldn't be around the week before even though I could have had plans.

DS1 was off school ill after being in hospital overnight with a suspected apendicitis and was still in pain but ex still went off to London with his girlfriend even though the doctor didn't know what was wrong with DS1. I had to ask a friend to take DS2 to school as I didn't want to leave DS1 on his own. And was panicking in case DS1 needed to go back to hospital. I should add that ex had to reschedule the trip from the previous week as his girlfriend had got the wrong dates for work.

Before we had proper set times for him to have the boys one day he picked them up and I heard him telling them that he would need to bring them back at 7pm as he had plans. Never said a word to me just assumed I would be there for whenever was convenient for him. I went out just before 7pm and the panic he had when I wasn't there was so funny. When he phoned I was at B&Q and took my time coming back. He always checked with me after that. The boys were fine btw. It was ex that was panicking. He suggested alsorts to get the boys to me quicker, ie bring them to B&Q, meet me half way etc.

I'm assuming he doesn't listen when you try to get him to be considerate. Maybe do the same thing to him?

Original poster
ImNotBloody14 · 13/08/2013 20:21

he doesn't see it from my point of view- he just sees it all in terms of whether it suits him. we had a massive argument before he went away in june (before I knew he was going) where things came to a head and I finally got him to agree to take them for more than just the odd night here or there. I was desperate to get back to work and get a social life again- his response was that I needed a man in my life to babysit for me and to get a childminder! all so he can continue having his life just how he likes it without having to consider his children when he takes on extra work or books a holiday. I should introduce some new man into their lives for his convenience! he's a selfish prick.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImNotBloody14 · 13/08/2013 20:22

he agreed to have them so I could work, and now that i'm working he's not turning up and I've had to call in to work a few times to say I had been let down with my childcare- i'm trying to be a dependable person here and build a business but I have no chance when he is doing this.

OP posts:
shellbot · 13/08/2013 20:24

He sounds like an arse. Do you think it would help if you had a formal arrangement through a solicitor?

shellbot · 13/08/2013 20:26

Just seen your latest post. It might be best if you can get proper childcare are not rely on him. I'm not if things have changed but would you be able to get help with the cost with being a lone parent?

shellbot · 13/08/2013 20:27

That should say 'and not rely' and 'I'm not sure'

You can tell my two are at their dads and I've been on the wine!

Overtheraenbow · 13/08/2013 22:23

It's so hard isn't it. My ex informs me he's busy ( shagfest with gf presumably) so can't have them xx weekend but I can have them the following one ( DS birthday weekend) I said no as I m planning a party for him them . I'm then told I'm obstructive and difficult and that " I've always been faiir and reasonable when you've wanted to change plans"'
( NEVER, I did say I may do once, but didn't) I sent him a text saying " that's a joke right?" Grin
he didn't reply and I ve heard nothing more about it..... Hmmm !!

Feel for you all ladies!!

Original poster
ImNotBloody14 · 14/08/2013 01:18

i'm not working enough hours to get working tax credits- i'm trying to get more hours but it's slow in coming so until then I just have to do what I can- i'm managing between friends helping me out and him having them. that was the whole point of him having them, so I could get back to work.

I also cant afford a solicitor- there is no legal aid anymore unless there was DV. plus- he would just agree to whatever the arrangement was at the time and then do what he wanted when it actually came down to it. I would be in exactly the same situation just out a fortune to get there.

OP posts:
purpleroses · 14/08/2013 06:45

My friend's ex is just like that. My friend often used to make a back up plan with me to have her DS overnight if she had plans to go out (our DSs are friends). We wouldn't tell our DSs of the plan unless her ex failed to turn up but if he did it meant her DS wasn't too disappointed - as he got a surprise sleepover instead - and she could still go out.

My ex is thankfully not as bad as yours but has taken me years of pushing him to see the times he has the DCs as his responsibility meaning he needs to ASK (not casually tell) me if he wants to change things or sort out some other childcare. I spelled this out for him quite a few times and it did finally sink in.

Original poster
ImNotBloody14 · 14/08/2013 16:54

yes I think i'm going to have to reiterate the point that his days are HIS responsibility to sort childcare and that if he decides to take on extra work or whatever then he needs to either sort childcare or ASK me if I can have the dcs on those times. it isn't acceptable to just not turn up to collect them.

OP posts:
WithConfidence · 16/08/2013 18:12

Wow there is a reason he is you ex, huh? What a selfish git.

Where I live family mediation is free. Might be worth checking, if you have a childrens centre that is a good place to ask.

Some people are so self centred there is no point trying to make them see your pov, just lay down your rules. And keep a diary of all his messing you about, just in case.

Original poster
ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 18:24

well once again he has not bothered to turn up. I've texted him 5 minutes ago (he was due at 6) to ask if he's coming and remind him that dcs are expecting him.

this will be his way of punishing me for dropping the dcs off at his on Tuesday no doubt.

also found out that he wasn't in an accident at all on Tuesday- it was his girlfriend. he was at work when it happened Hmm

OP posts:
HaPPy8 · 16/08/2013 18:39

Poor kids.

Original poster
ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 18:46

he's replied saying he's not home from work yet but that I can leave them at his house as his girlfriend is there. I've said he can just collect them when he gets back from work and that he needs to let me know if he's going to be late or not coming. no reply.

OP posts:
PleaseLetsGoToSleep · 16/08/2013 20:43

Did he come and get them in the end?

Original poster
ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 21:06

he came at 8.20 for them. didn't reply to my message.

OP posts:
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