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Emotional abuse

4 replies

sarahhh123 · 12/08/2013 21:01

Not sure if I've posted in the right forum but I just feel really lost having just become a single parent to a 21 month old. I believe my now ex partner to have been emotionally abusive towards me; he abused drugs, messaged girls behind my back (even met one of them) had his mates round for days getting wrecked, constantly talking money off me, stole my rent money twice, owed big dealers money, constantly criticised what I wore, got funny when I wasn't home quickly, hated me going out with friends or using my phone, hated me working or spending time with my family, would go on benders (one started on a Friday and ended on Monday when LO was 1 week old and id had c-section) expected me to get up in the night with LO when I had to work the next day, when I got pneumonia when LO was 8 weeks old he accused me of faking it to get out of looking after my son and got annoyed when I went to A&E, and more recently came home wrecked, left some dude on my sofa wasted who them squared up to me when asked to leave and police had to be called, and then preceded to spend a months wages in a few days when I told him it was over. He's still a good dad to LO, he does love him. Since we've broken up he's called me every name under the sun, buggered me around with childcare to stop me making any plans, constantly texts me and goes from being a total nob to being very apologetic. I left because i didnt want my son to think this sort of behaviour is normal! This is all the tip of the iceberg from our 4 year relationship.

I'm sorry for the long post and I've probably answered my own question but it feels better writing it all down. Someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing? Why do I feel so dreadful?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 13/08/2013 05:09

You have done the right thing freeing yourself from this dreadful man.

Are you sure he is a 'good dad'? He sounds abusive and manipulative.

Value yourself and get your life organised around you and your child, is what I would say. Stop accommodating your Ex. I used to try, and he just used it as an excuse to mess with my head. Some men are best left to organise a contact order.

sarahhh123 · 13/08/2013 07:20

Yeah he is good with him but he has to be now doesn't he. I just feel so guilty and miserable - I thought I'd feel really liberated and free!

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chocoreturns · 13/08/2013 08:51

you're experiencing an emotional hangover from a horrible abusive relationship, I would say that's normal (I know I felt like you describe after mine). It takes a while to feel better IME, for me (after a similar length relationship and 2dc) about a year or so to tell the truth.

However, before I leave you thinking you're going to feel horrible for a year, I can say without a shadow of a doubt I'd have felt a LOT better a LOT sooner if I'd had the balls to put myself and my DC first. I didn't, because my STBXH had done a number on me and my confidence was shot to bits. When I did feel better the single most significant reason was because I put down boundaries. I told him when our DC would be available for contact, I prevented him from calling or texting me, arranged a weekly point for emails re: contact and DC. I refused to let him in my house any more and I withdrew from his family so that I wouldn't keep being told things about his life that were hurtful and unhelpful for me to hear.

Then I sorted out my house, my job and made a plan for the future. Since I did all that, I feel like a new person - genuinely liberated and free!

It's hard to get there though, so ask for help from your family and friends while you can. I also went to my local chidren's centre, attended the Freedom Course which was brilliant, and received support from my local Domestic Violence team. Don't be afraid to ask for help. What you have described is Domestic Abuse (emotional, financial) and you are entitled to all sorts of support. Most of all you deserve to have what happened in your relationship recognised as abuse - he wasn't entitled to treat you like that. I found once I accepted that the EA/FA etc was significant and 'bad enough' for me to accept help, things got on an upswing pretty darn quick. And I got a lot stronger about saying 'no'.

You'll get through it, and you will feel better. You have absolutely done the right thing x

sarahhh123 · 13/08/2013 08:55

Thanks for reply, I wonder what support I'm entitled to, I'd love to have some counselling but I know the waiting lists are huge :-(

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