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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Feeling shit and like a failure

12 replies

KnittedWaffle · 12/08/2013 20:33

Hi everyone, I've not posted here much before but I'm a single mum of 3 lovely DC.

Ex does make the effort to see the DC but it has to be at mine because he's between houses after he fell out with his mother and because he can't look after all 3 DC on his own (yes, really!) He usually takes them out but also spends some time at my house, which isn't really ideal. It is also really tough going on me because he sometimes makes snide remarks to me or goes on about wanting to get back together (even though I have made it as clear as possible that this will not happen). He says stuff disguised as well, like he will mention my weight several times throughout the course of our meeting (I'm not overweight) and even when he says 'you're looking slimmer' it's done in a nasty way and is still a dig at me IYSWIM

The reason for the thread isn't this, though. I went to a party with my 3DC at the weekend and met my friend's husband for the first time and he was lovely, they got on great and seemed happy and still in love after a long time (sneaky cuddles, looking at each other with love etc)
As well as this, there were other people there with their husbands/partners and although I know their relationships aren't perfect it made me feel really shit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friend but I couldn't help asking myself what I'd done to deserve such a shit relationship (it really was as bad as it could be) and then the fallout from the breakup. I felt really sad, lonely and like a failure. Even today I've been feeling a bit self piteous and have been quite teary, which isn't like me.

I don't want to meet anyone else ATM but I feel a little bitter about the way things have turned out and want to nip it in the bud. I feel really sad for my DC as well (my parents stayed together until my dad died and really loved each other) as I'm sure the situation/relationship has impacted negatively on them (must stop reading stupid DM articles about 'broken homes'!)

Not really sure why I'm posting to be honest, just needed to write it down and hopefully get some sympathy!
(Already feel a bit better!)

OP posts:

WasFeelingLousy · 12/08/2013 22:17

Hi Knitted,

I so know what you mean. My h and I separated earlier this year, and it was a really grim time. I am getting 'there' but am still having some rubbish times. I feel the same as you about friends' relationships - I am so pleased for them that they are in lovely relationships and I'd want to do everything to support them (e.g. I've been to a few weddings since we split, which was hard), but it does hurt inside at the same time.

Most people I'd imagine feel sad and some sense of loss or failure when a marriage ends. It's not something that anyone wants. I live with this all the time and I'm lucky enough to be have a counsellor who hears a lot of sadness and guilt from me.

It sounds as if the arrangement with your ex is pretty stressful. Any chance of that getting resolved in any way?

for you as you love your 3 lovely dc.

num3onway · 12/08/2013 22:20

Staying in an unhappy relationship would be more damaging to your children in my opinion!

WasFeelingLousy · 12/08/2013 22:24

Definitely stop reading the Daily Mail. It will make you feel worse. Read MN instead.

WasFeelingLousy · 12/08/2013 22:26

Seriously, reading proper reports on the impact of family breakdown non children's long term wellbeing made me feel slightly better, and more empowered to do as much educated damage limitation as it was within my capacity to do so. And it meant I was able to ignore all the 'broken home' stuff with confidence. Probably did me a power of good.

Original poster

KnittedWaffle · 12/08/2013 22:33

Glad you're getting there stillfeelinglousy :)
I suppose it's the emptiness and loneliness that makes it so hard. Unfortunately the current contact situation can't really be changed otherwise the DC probably wouldn't get to see him. Although he is an arse of the highest order he does make a real effort with the dC (more so than before!) and they love spending time with him plus I get a wee break when he takes them out
I know it'll get better but part of me wonders if I'm too br

OP posts:

Original poster

KnittedWaffle · 12/08/2013 22:35

OP posts:

Original poster

KnittedWaffle · 12/08/2013 22:37

Oh and I don't spend much time reading the DM really (it's mostly links from MN and then I get drawn in!) I hate the phrase 'broken home' it's so judgemental and negative.

OP posts:

Catnap26 · 12/08/2013 22:48

Knitted-since having my two dc I often wonder how on earth single parents do it and I take my hat off to every single one of you.i don't really have any advice to give you but I wanted to just say that my mum was left a single parent with 4 kids under 5 and eventually met her current husband and they have been married 20 years.everything happens for a reason I believe and I know u feel down now but rest assured it won't always be like this and you will meet someone who is worthy of you and your children.i hope this helps.

Original poster

KnittedWaffle · 12/08/2013 23:34

Thanks catnap i really appreciate you posting.
I'm usually very upbeat and optimistic about things but for some reason seeing all these (seemingly) happy couples really got to me (as I got run ragged by my three monkeys!)
Your mum must've had it tough with 4 under 5 (my eldest is 4) but it's all worth it and I'm glad she found some happiness - 20 years together is no mean feat!
I don't have it as rough as some people as at least the DC's dad wants to be involved. I'm sure that the emotional connection/relationship with someone will come in time. :)

OP posts:

TurnipIsTaken · 13/08/2013 00:47

I feel like this too and doesn't help that yet another mum friend has announced a pregnancy. I feel bad ds is an only child and probably always will be.

I agree about your contact though. He's invading your head as well as your house. If he really made an effort as a parent he'd be able to look after them all somewhere else for a few hours. Good parents would do anything to see their children. I bet it is easier having contact at yours where you provide everything, clear up, deal with any dramas etc plus he gets to pick on you.

And sorry to be harsh but if you did meet someone do you think they would want your snidey ex sharing the tv remote with you all a few nights a week?

If you can't put a stop to it now, try and make a plan e.g. it will change once they are at school/nursery. You need to move on from being reminded of this failed relationship, I know it helped me that my ex no longer has contact here.

SnoopyLovesYou · 13/08/2013 22:05

Oh knitted waffle! I'm really feeling the same or similarly tonight! :-)

Why did we have to endure such rubbish relationships? I think it leaves a gaping hole.

Hugs.

Kn1ttedWaffle · 13/08/2013 22:48

Hugs to you too Snoopy! I really don't know why I endured such a shit relationship (maybe I need therapy!) but at least I have the DC! It would be nice to have that little unit where it's 'us against the world' kind of thing. It'll get better, I'm sure!

Turnip, if it's any consolation I think as mums it's our job to feel guilty. I'm sorry you feel bad that your DC will likely not have any siblings - I feel guilty because I never have enough time with each of my DC, we can't win!
You're right about the contact - I did chuckle at the 'sharing the remote control thing' :) I'm hoping when I go back to work it'll get resolved. Until then it'll be bite my lip and smile.

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