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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

long moan, sorry.

9 replies

freemanbatch · 12/08/2013 13:04

I just need a bit of a moan sorry.

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and I have two daughters already, one 6 and the other nearly 3. In June I finally worked up the courage to ring the police about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my husband. my parents had told me not to report him but if I had to because he hurt the kids then they'd support me best they could. Their priority has never been me but when he did hurt the kids I reported everything and I spoke to my midwife and to DD1's school and referrals to children's services were finally made and I stopped all contact with their dad.

Since then I have given many police interviews, spoken to social workers, been in school to speak to teachers and been to lots of doctors appointments trying to sort out counselling for DD1 who is really struggling with everything and is a real handful as well as not sleeping much and waking screaming and shouting having had nightmares. I haven't had more than 6 hours in a night for months and that is normally in three or four blocks having settled people back to sleep or having woken with nightmares of my own.

I live 100 miles away from all my family so I have done all this on my own, most times when I've been going through talking to the police or things like that they haven't even managed a phone call or a text to check I'm ok.

My mum works in a school so she is off for her summer holidays and has been for the last 3 weeks. I, stupidly now I know, thought that once she was on holiday she'd want to come and help out a bit and to check the kids were ok even if she had no interest in me but she hasn't. She hasn't made one visit or even planned one in for the next few weeks before she goes back to work because she's far too busy looking after my sister's children. She takes my sister's kids to school every day because they attend the school she works at and she's having them all through the holidays eventhough the kids have 3 parents, mum, dad and stepdad, two sets of grandparents and a full extended family of aunties, uncles and cousins.

I have no one at all to take the kids for even an hour and when I have to speak to official people about stuff I have to pay for childcare out of money I don't have because he wouldn't let me work so I am on benefits at the minute.

My dad rang me a few minutes ago and he told me that my mum doesn't visit because she finds it upsetting to see the kids struggling and she doesn't feel its safe to drive home like that!!

I've coped pretty much with the crapness of it all until that phonecall, how can she even call herself my mum when she knows me and my kids are struggling and chooses to ignore it rather than upset herself?

I posted in relationships about my parents before and was told to get rid of them from my life because they weren't good for me but how do I do that when I have no one? but then again is no one better than people who will ignore you because its too upsetting to them to see how hard things are for you?

Sorry for the moan, I'm not even sure its cleared my head but I needed to try something because I got to paint a smile back on my face and go and play with the kids now.

OP posts:
shanelle5 · 12/08/2013 21:23

Oh my goodness im so very sorry you have been through such an ordeal and have no support. I found your post heartbreaking but can sympathise as my parents are crap and not interested. I am currently in the process of being evicted from our home due to falling behind with the rent and they have not offered any help despite living in a large house with 2 spare rooms and also a camper van. I will most likely have to go into B&B for up to 6 weeks while waiting to be rehomed by the council and they dont even care so I can kind of know how hurt you must be. Ok, sorry for the me me bit, now what can I suggest.
Have you tried home start for a few hours a week to yourself and a sympathetic ear? Have you got a childrens center near you they are also really supportiv if approached and have outreach workers, mine is great and a real lifeline. Do you have a supportive health visitor who can put you in touch with these groups? Do you go to church? What about your sister is she any support either physically or emotionally?
There is lots of support out there, you just need to find it. Meanwhile well done for reporting the abuse, getting that man out of your kids life and staying safe. Please post here if you need anything or any advice and chin up - your parents are not going to help by the sounds of it but there are plenty who will. If you DO want your Mums support though, could you write her a letter explaining how she is making you feel and what help you would like? It may be theraputic for you even if you dont get the reply you would like. Hugs to you xx

num3onway · 12/08/2013 21:26

I didn't want to read and run op as I see no one else has replied

Do you have any friends near by?

I am recently seperated but my situation is nothing like yours which sounds awful. For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing re getting rid of him

You mentioned children's services are involved have you told them you struggle to pay for child are? I only ask as I know some families with children's services involved where they pay the child care while mum attends meetings etc and also here and there to give a break

num3onway · 12/08/2013 21:27

Oh whoops someone replied right before me lol

shanelle5 · 12/08/2013 21:30

We crossed post num3 Smile

num3onway · 12/08/2013 21:32

Ah well at least she got replies

queenofthepirates · 12/08/2013 21:49

Bloody hell, how brave are you? I am in awe, it sounds as though you are doing fantastically well in the circumstances but you MUST get some help for yourself. Please do see if you can get some time off but not from your parents. They sound quite toxic.

Have you looked at Gingerbread for support? They may be able to point you to a local friendship group for a bit more help.

freemanbatch · 12/08/2013 22:11

thank you all for the replies, as the day has gone on I've pulled myself back together and I'm back to getting on with things again Smile

I have one friend in the area but she has a lot on with a new baby so I'm being a bit careful not to put anymore pressure on her right now. My sister revels in the control she has over my parents and how she fills their lives so they can't help me. If I'm honest I'm not sure if its can't or won't with my parents most of the time and the thing about my mum being upset I know is mostly that she feels guilty for having let us down by not being there when she was needed and now can't get over her upset enough to come and be useful.

Both my sister and brother told me I must be making it up when I told them what ex had done, they are all weird and only now that I'm really getting myself sorted am I seeing that more clearly.

DD2 has 2 1/2 days at nursery at the minute, a combination of grant hours and a childcare voucher that is still coming out of ex's salary but that won't continue indefinitely. The problem with meetings and appointments is I have to attend when they have time not when I have childcare so I am having to pay for additional time.

I wrote to my parents a few months ago shanelle5 and told them what I need from them, and some of the information from the official people involved and I was told that I was being abusive towards them by making demand on them and that I had no right to tell them how to behave towards me and my kids or in my house.

I know what the answer is with regard to my family I just can't quite face any more on top of all I've got on right now!!

The internet has been my saviour in all this, I have some great online friends who really have saved my life and are the reason I have escaped or at least almost escaped from the nasty people in my life.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply, you are all very kind Smile

OP posts:
shanelle5 · 12/08/2013 22:44

freeman I have to say I am totally amazed at your calm and rational posts with all youve got on your plate, you are truly awesome!
You sound like youve really got your head screwed on and I truly hope once this mess is all passed and cleared up, you find happiness and peace. Your parents are missing out on a lovely daughter and Grandchildren, which is very sad but quite clearly their loss. Flowers

freemanbatch · 12/08/2013 23:04

Thank you shanelle5 I have my moments of totally losing the plot but they are becoming fewer and further between and I am certainly becoming a lot stronger than I ever knew was possible! I worry sometimes that I am becoming too hardened to the world but then the kids make me laugh or the baby kicks or one of my friends drops me a random email and I realise I'm fully capable of relationships with good people and I'm only hardened to people who are bad for me.

There is a long road ahead of me and I'm not always sure I know how to approach things but hopefully I'll get there one day Smile

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