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Lone parents

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Original poster

Am I mad to even be considering this???

48 replies

justpoppy · 09/08/2013 14:21

Have been on my own with DS8 for most of his life. He's had no contact with his Dad for about 2 years now. I've found out this week that I'm pregnant after a ONS - first time I've DTD with anyone in over a year. Condom split, took MAP and that's failed too. Could only happen to me!

Anyway, have told ONS who has made his feeling very clear - he wants nothing to do with me. Am I crazy to consider going it alone again?

Financially things are fine, I work, I have a great childminder who looks after DS and my parents have always supported me. I've always been on my own so to me having a DP there to support me is as alien as someone who is married considering being a LP. I'm not sure I could face the alternative. I'm 40 this year so really this is my last chance to have a sibling for DS. I doubt I'd regret having a baby but I could regret not going through with it.

Not sure why I'm posting really - I feel like I've been very irresponsible and am being selfish considering having another baby on my own and in such sordid circumstances. I worry about how my DC will be affected not having their dad's around and I'm ashamed to say I worry about being judged by people around me. My head is all over the place at the moment and I'd really appreciate some honest opinions.

OP posts:
DragonsAreReal · 09/08/2013 14:27

If you want it have it and congratulations. I think itl be so nice for your ds to have a sibling and won't be left alone to deal with horrible things like if you get dementia or your funeral.

freemanbatch · 09/08/2013 14:32

you'll do a great job if its what you want to do and you sound like you have your life together in a way many couples don't when they have kids so if you want to why the hell not? Smile

It won't be easy but then it isn't easy when you have a partner either and at least you'll be able to find your own routine and won't have someone interrupting you and how you do things Smile

I'm a single parent and pregnant with number 3 so I might be a bit biased but I really would say have it if you want to but equally don't have it if YOU don't want to. It is only you and your children that matter in the decision not other people's opinions.

Good luck whatever you decide Smile

Original poster
justpoppy · 09/08/2013 14:33

Thanks Dragons. I hadn't even considered that aspect of it but you are right.

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CaptainSweatPants · 09/08/2013 14:36

Don't forget to check that your parents will still want to help with a new arrival
They're older than when ds was born they might be considering holidays , retiring peacefully etc

Original poster
justpoppy · 09/08/2013 14:39

freemanbatch thank you and congrats on your pregnancy too. I have to say I never found it that hard with my DS. Granted I may not be lucky enough to have an easy baby this time round but I didn't find the lack of partner a problem. I guess I've never known any different. I know I can cope with another child - I'm not confident in a lot of things but I will stand up and say I know I've done a pretty good job with DS.

I guess its just the moral side of it I'm struggling with at the moment. Two kids, two different men, neither contributing or wanting to see their kids.... its not really the way I planned my life!

OP posts:
Original poster
justpoppy · 09/08/2013 14:42

CaptainSweatPant I can't see that they'll be thrilled - I doubt this is how they saw my life panning out either but they're still pretty young and ds is the only grandchild at the moment. They've recently moved to be closer to where we live and dote on DS so hopefully they'll be supportive.

OP posts:
freemanbatch · 09/08/2013 14:55

Thanks justpoppy Smile

All 3 of mine have the same dad but he's currently in the middle of being investigated by the police due to DV!! I married him ten years ago aged only 21 with a plan for how my life would be and he took me and my plan apart bit by bit for ten years and he damaged the two kids he's been involved in bringing up so badly that the older one hardly sleeps for nightmares.

I am truly happy to have all three of my kids and I tell you about their dad only to illustrate that life plans only last until they meet the enemy and that lots of children are born in situations that are worse than having only one parent but having a parent who loves them and would do anything for them. Smile

Original poster
justpoppy · 09/08/2013 15:06

Wow freemanbatch your post has given me goosebumps and certainly puts a totally different slant on my situation. I guess I need to get "normal" out of my head and realise that actually going against the normal isn't always a bad thing.

OP posts:
freemanbatch · 09/08/2013 15:11

My dad has a saying

'normal is just another word for boring'

its the one I go with now whenever I feel like I'm doing things differently than I 'should' Wink

notanyanymore · 09/08/2013 15:11

Go for it! Smile

Original poster
justpoppy · 09/08/2013 15:30

that's a good saying freemanbatch. I think I'll borrow that one! Grin

Thanks notanyanymore. I'm quite shocked at so many positive comments - I think I thought people would be telling me not to even consider it.

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shanelle5 · 09/08/2013 15:37

You sound like good parent who has her life in order along with supportive family. So Id echo whats already been said - you are in a better place emotionally/financially and probably other ways than a lot of marrieds who may be unhappy together. Sad but true and very relevant. So Congratulations, good luck telling your parents and ENJOY!! (all things happen for a reason Smile )

Amiee · 09/08/2013 15:42

I guess its just the moral side of it I'm struggling with at the moment. Two kids, two different men, neither contributing or wanting to see their kids.... its not really the way I planned my life!

  • it's not the 50's there is no moral issue as far as I'm concerned.
Your child has had a wonderful stable upbringing and a close relationship to his grandparents which means he has a good male role model. You have had a successful life and have been a great mum. Sounds like the only people missing out are the loser dads. Their loss! congratulations!
Original poster
justpoppy · 09/08/2013 16:47

shanelle5 I think you're right. Everything does happen for a reason - I think that too. The fact that the contraceptive failed not just once but twice makes me wonder if it's fate.

amiee thank you! I'm really grateful for your honesty.

OP posts:
GetYourMoneyBackAtTheDoor · 09/08/2013 16:51

I don't think the ONS has much choice does he? If you go ahead with your pg make sure you get what you (and your DC) is entitled to. You didn't get pg on your own!

Good luck op x

belief · 09/08/2013 16:58

You are braver than I justpoppy. :)

Would you seek child support (money i mean) from the father? It wasnt just you that did the deed.

ImNotBloody14 · 09/08/2013 17:02

Hi OP

i think i'm saying congratulations because you sound very much like you are going to go ahead with it Grin

i don't think you are mad- i don't think you would be mad/wrong/right/anything whichever decision you make because it is only you, and not your ONS or your parents or anyone else who can make the right decision for you and your children. i think we have had it drummed into us that man+woman+ child/ren = family when in reality, for as long as time has been recorded it was never only this way- parents, families come about in all sorts of ways, for all sorts of reasons and i don't think there is 1 'right' way to have a family- just the best way for you at this moment in time. your parents may not have chosen this way for you, you may not have even chosen it for yourself had you been asked as a teen what your ideal was but no doubt your parents will love and support you as best they feel they can and if they decide they cant then you wouldn't be the only person doing it without parental support. (as great as that is- you can do it without it)

fwiw- i don't think there is a moral issue and wouldn't even consider the jusdgement others may or may not cast- everyone- but everyone has made decisions others will disagree with but only you walk in your shoes so only you get to judge your decisions.

good luck with whatever you decide. Smile

ChippingInHopHopHop · 09/08/2013 17:04

CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS

Life's a bitch and seldom goes to plan :)

You have done a great job with your DS, why not another one??

If it were me though, I'd have nothing else to do with the ONS. You didn't get pregnant by yourself and yes, legally/morally he's just as responsible, but the way I would look at it was that it was a 'mistake' (originally) and we didn't have any commitment to each other and I am the one choosing to keep the baby... so I would do that myself (I know it's not a popular view on MN though) AND most importantly, I'd much rather not have the hassle of a bloke who doesn't want to be involved - I'd sooner he just stayed right away from us.

I can see that your parents might not be too chuffed, having helped with DS (and him now being 8) they might feel that they have 'done their bit' to help you out with a baby/toddler and not be very impressed that you have 'got yourself into this situation' (and thus them!!) but hey... they'll see the baby and get over it in a nano second I'm sure, especially if you don't need their help to bring the baby up... just to be grandparents.

I'm excited for you!! :)

mrspaddy · 09/08/2013 17:09

I think a baby is always a positive thing and from your post, I get the feeling you really want it.
Why not go for it!! After two attempts to prevent it.. this little baby is not letting much stand in its way.. Wink..

But think about it/work out what is right for you.

russetbella1000 · 09/08/2013 23:36

Just wanted to echo what others have said-sounds like you'll continue to be a great mum to two children! As for the 'moral' issue I also don't think there is one...As long as you are secure with your decision that's all that matters. Your children will be secure in the situation by seeing their mum as a confident & able parent who meets their needs. No-one else matters.
If you know you will provide a positive and secure environment for your children then that's all that counts in the end.

Wish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy-how exciting! :0)

angel1976 · 10/08/2013 06:15

I've got two DSs with the same man and it didn't stop him upping and leaving for someone new after 10 years of marriage BUT my boys are wonderful together and one thing I don't regret about the last 10 years is having them BOTH. They've been wonderful with each other through the split. I do think you should go for it. Divorce is very frowned upon in my culture but hey, tough, it's happened and once I got over worrying about what other people thought, I found the whole process, dare I say it, liberating! Best of luck! I imagine your DS at that age will help a great deal with the baby and around the house...Wink

Roshbegosh · 10/08/2013 06:26

I think you need to seriously consider the GPs. Yes they will love the child but it is not fair to expect them to help as much. They should not be burdened by your decision at this point in their lives. Other than that, do what you think is right for you and DS, just be sure you can do it independently.

SavoyCabbage · 10/08/2013 06:29

To me it sounds like you have your ducks in a row and that having another baby will enhance your little family even more.

There is no normal anymore. I know because I read it in here. Family Book.

Hamwidgeandcheps · 11/08/2013 20:30

I'd do it and I'm a single patent to two under 5's. an 8 year gap sounds like a walk in the park!

Original poster
justpoppy · 12/08/2013 09:45

GetYourMoney you're right ONS doesn't have a choice in my decision whether I go ahead or not. I told him initially because I thought it was the right thing to do and I will let him know my decision as I think that's the right thing to do for the child.

belief I doubt I will pursue him for child support. I know it takes two people to dtd and some people will disagree with my decision but I'm able to provide for a child myself and as its my decision to go it alone I'm not sure that going after his money is something I want/need to do. Its a battle I really don't want to have (and it would be a a battle as he's self employed and his work is erratic).

Chipping I absolutely agree with your post 100%. I really would rather do this totally alone than have someone else making things harder. That said if he did want to be involved I wouldn't make things difficult as obviously I'd owe that to my dc.

Roshbegosh my parents do help a lot with DS now, BUT he's 8, great company and fits in with things that they want to do and enjoy doing. A baby/toddler obviously wouldn't do that and I wouldn't expect them to help as much. I have a fantastic childminder who (hopefully) will have space when/if the time comes.

So now having got my head around having another child doubts of a different kind are creeping in. I've got a really strong feeling that this is not a viable pregnancy. I can't let myself get too excited about it at such an early stage if I'm going to just see an empty sac on the US screen. Seeing that written down I know how crazy it sounds - all pregnancies are different, not everyone has symptoms etc but I can't stop thinking it. I can't get to the EPU until Bank holiday week when I'm off work so I guess I've just got to wait it out until then. Am considering buying one of the clearblue tests that tell you how pregnant you are as I obviously know the actual date it happened. Trying not to let it drive me completely bonkers but obviously its constantly on my mind!

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