Newborns - the pitfalls!

[Layter]

I am a fairly new single parent, DS is nearly 2 and spends 2.5 days each week with his father. I am due to give birth in 3 months, ex is very pleased that there is to be another child. There are a few sticky issues to work out though. We are due to go to mediation to discuss the ins and outs but I thought I would ask the Mumsnet collective what worked for them.

Access - For good reasons I will not let him near my house and I do not wish to spend any time at his. Last time I EBFed and intend to again, but this limits the time I can spend away from a newborn. The best I can think of is for ex to take newborn out in the push chair, with or without DS once or twice a week. Or meet in a cafe? Except I have no wish to spend any time with ex if it can be avoided.

Grandparents - I would feel a bit mean if ex PIL didn't see their next grandchild until weaning, (at 15 months with DS).

Names - I feel that since I have carried this child, done everything on my own and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future the naming should be down to me. Ex contributes nothing financially and in fact I send nappies etc. along with DS. I would like newborn to have my surname, I might concede a strike or two if I pick a name that ex loathes.

Any advice? (First MN post, v. exciting!)

in your shoes i would give the baby our name as you are separated and the baby will be living with you (what surname does ds have?)

wrt access- yes in the early months exp will only be able to have the baby for short amounts of time while your supply gets established- how you do this- i'm not sure. i understand you don't want ex in your house (i am the same situation) so that might mean you meeting him somewhere. how about a softplay centre where you can sit at another comfy chair from him and be on hand to feed the baby or comfort him/her if they get distressed?

weaning usually happens around 6ish months (not sure why your ds was 15 months?) and your supply will have settled down a good bit by then so you will be able to extend access time and baby can go off with dad alone without you needing to be on hand. also, by that stage your supply will be stable enough for you to be able to express and send bottles of EBM with baby.

Thank you for your reply ImNotBloody14, I now feel like a proper paid up Mumsneteer, rather than a scurvy lurker. Anyway, to clarify,

DS has ex's last name, and we argued extensively about the other names. This resulted in a terrible combination that with the benefit of sleep none of us like. As soon as I left him I deed polled back to my maiden name.

DS started solids at the usual time, but I continued to BF him 'til he was 15 months (didn't phrase that well in OP). In effect this meant that he only went off for a few hours at a time with ex even when we were together.

I suppose I will have to express, I dislike doing it, and even when I did ex never did bother to get it into DS so it inevitably got chucked out.

Soft play, excellent idea, I can play with DS!

Hi layter I am in a similar situation to yourself - welcome!
Well I gave my baby son my maiden name which I am still imn the process of changing my own back to. Did deed poll online but not got round to making it official yet by sending off passport, driving licence etc. EX P hated the idea AND the actual name but tough tbh. He chose to leave before our son was born and so my choice as far as Im concerned. It continues to be a very sore point with him!
For contact, little and often is recommended to begin with so maybe 2-3 times a week for no more than an hour. Yes ball pond or in my case Tesco coffee shop! Uncomfortable but I also didnt want him in my home due to it being an abusive relationship and would not go to his either. If your is the same, how about a contact center? We also went down that route but it was a 4 month wait and by the time it came round we had made our own arrangements and managed to grit our teeth through them enough. We did try CC 3 times but my baby cryed each time at being left with this stranger - once a week in our case which was not often enough for him to know or remember him so it was distressing for all 3 of us and I agreed to stick to coffee shop as he is ok if I am in sight and I also ebf so I can stick him on whenever he needs it. He is now 8 months and its going "ok" so far. Dont be pushed into changing your feeding habits to benefit others, baby comes first!
HTH X

ah- i am so stupid! i am used to 'weaning' meaning onto solids. sorry about that

well even a few hours a time with dad will be enough for the baby until toddlerhood. he could have him/her a couple of times a week instead of a longer session once a week, which would probably be better for the baby anyway in terms of familiarity and seeing him more often.

i didn't get on well with expressing either so i was in the same boat as you until ds was about 20 months but by that point he was breastfeeding a lot less frequently and his main meals were solids. in that respect i would just play it by ear and see how the feeding goes and how the baby feeds before arranging permanent contact. for the time being i would just plan for the first few months with a 'loose' idea of what you both think is fair and then when the baby is here and you have settled into a bit of a routine you will be in a better position to know how long baby can go for etc.

i would still give the baby your name.