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Original poster

AIBU to ask these things of ExDH?

13 replies

FizzlingFireboxes · 08/08/2013 11:27

Just wondered how other people deal with these things,

Firstly, ex has taken my youngest 2 on holiday for the week, they are 11 and 4, yesterday I sent a text asking how they were and if they could maybe ring me.
The reply was 'They're fine' that's it, no phone call.
I know ex has issues with me contacting them while they're with him, he says I should trust him as their Dad. Well, I do but still miss them like mad and one phone call mid-week isn't too much, or is it?
I know his new partner has issues with me contacting them on holiday, but it shouldn't really affect her.

Also, during term time he sees them every other weekend plus two evenings in the week, usually from 4 or 5pm until 8-9pm, I've had issues with nursery noticing DS is overtired on the days following contact, DS starts school in Sept, would I be unreasonable to ask that he brings them home by 7.30pm so that DS can have a good bedtime routine?

He currently doesn't see our eldest as he has special needs and is too much work.

I know that he will go mad when I suggest this so I'm just looking for reassurance that it isn't an unreasonable request.

OP posts:
burberryqueen · 08/08/2013 11:32

quite reasonable requests both of them.
why do the ex and his partner 'have issues' with u contacting them?

Original poster
FizzlingFireboxes · 08/08/2013 11:41

Because they or maybe she has issues with me contacting Ex full stop, he will only reply to my texts at work for example, I don't text often, only to do with the kids and contact really, we've been separated 3 years and they have a child together, I'm not really sure what the issue is but apparently she went mad last time they were away because they talked to me mid-week,

OP posts:
burberryqueen · 08/08/2013 11:44

hmm she sounds lovely.
yanbu

mumtobealloveragain · 08/08/2013 12:24

8-9pm getting home is too late school days! Surely by the time they have a bath and settle in bed it must be nearer 10pm!

Can you suggest he collects them from school, so has them from 3:15pm until after dinner, then return them at 6:30-7pm? I think even 7:30pm is too late for a 4 yr old to get home for school nights, unless he brings them back bathed and in pyjamas?

Icantstopeatinglol · 08/08/2013 12:33

I'm a stepmam and a mam and I would never have an issue with a mother trying to contact their dc just to make sure they're ok. My dsd mam used to ring every night while we were away on holiday, there were times it wasn't great every night but I can totally understand why she was ringing so we would never say anything.
I think 7:30 is a reasonable request. My ds has just finished reception class and its very tiring for them cos its a big change.
So no yanbu, I agree with mumtobe that maybe he can collect from school and bring him back for 7:30.

Lackedpunchesforever · 08/08/2013 15:20

Both absolutely reasonable requests. If Little Miss Insecurity has issues with you speaking to your children, thats her problem and your ex needs to man.up and tell her that.

Original poster
FizzlingFireboxes · 08/08/2013 17:13

Thanks for your replies, I think 7-7.30 is going to have to be the latest or he's going to struggle, he's only just turned 4 and sometimes still naps after a busy morning at nursery, 9-10pm bedtimes will have to stop, it's not fair on him. I'm not looking forward to telling ex though.

Still no contact from them, they'll be home tomorrow night though, would have been nice but maybe I'll send DD with a mobile next time to avoid going through him.

OP posts:
shanelle5 · 08/08/2013 21:37

FF you are most definately NOT being unreasonable and both requests should be a given really! Im cross for you, and a little worried you are so nervous of telling him of the changes. Put your foot down on the phone call next time he is away, or give elder DC a phone and call/txt when you please. If OW doesnt like it tough - they are YOUR children you dont need permission to speak to them FFS! Any Mum would/does miss their DC and its perfectly normal and reasonable to expect a txt or call to see how they are, Id want daily! And on the 4 year old, his Dad should be able to put this needs first, its not about him and what he wants. 8.pm is to late now he is starting school. End of.
Please take courage from all these wise women, you are in the right, be firm and post to let us know how you get on! xx

emilyeggs · 09/08/2013 07:55

Totally agree, 9 is too late. Maybe dd could stay with dad that night, if not then coming home early is the best option. As for the holiday contact, do the kids get upset and start missing you if they speak to you? We have had that when the dc were younger but would never say no to a call....just a thought

emilyeggs · 09/08/2013 07:56

Sorry meant ds not dd Blush

BlackeyedSusan · 10/08/2013 01:11

the little one will probably be asleep by 6 for rthe first week or two of term. it really tires them out.

ask the school if they have any literature on bedtimes for littlies... it might be in thei induction pack.

Theydeserve · 11/08/2013 18:54

Not being unreasonable at all.

Contact with my ex is sporadic then 10 days ago announces he and new gf are taking her 2 and our 2 to florida for 10 days over my two weeks of booked holiday!DCs have stayed ON with him for 12 days in 18 months!!

Contact is difficult at the best of times and I know that Ex goes into the toilet to phone DCs when they are home. Now on holiday he is calling me at what would be 0630 in the morning to allow me to speak to them and DC1 tells me they are in the bathroom downstairs - not to disturb the beyotch because she says they should not speak to me!

For every nice Step Mum, there is one who really should have been put down inhumanely!

Original poster
FizzlingFireboxes · 12/08/2013 08:16

Just an update, things have gone from bad to worse :(

It may explain the reluctance to let me talk to them but DD 11 apparently told him several weeks ago that she was unhappy at home, so he's got a house and is taking her to live with him before the new school term, I only found out by accident, they weren't going to tell me :(

I'm devastated.

She's been fine up until a few weeks ago when she started being off with me and her brothers, I put it down to age, tried to talk but she said she was fine.

I'm so angry he didn't tell me when she first said she was unhappy, he's very manipulative and I think he's played on this. He won't even tell me where this new house is, his GF won't be living there apparently but she will be looking after DD after school as he works, he's got it all planned, I think he just wasn't going to bring her back after contact one day :(

I feel lost

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