why is it always so one sided,

[IneedAyoniNickname]

And why do people think its fair?

I'm probably being unreasonable but hey ho, am in a bad mood and need to vent.

Exs baby is due in the next couple of weeks, so of course he can't commit to anything 100% (not that he does anyway) as we don't know when the baby will arrive.
Now that's fine, and I appreciate the situation.
But its a pain as I cant arrange my week, as I don't know if I will/wont have the dc.
Mm asked me earlier to so something that relies on being child free at the weekend, and I said I couldn't commit.
She said "well that's fair enough, we just have to be on standby if he can't have them, as we would be if you were having a baby"
I pointed out that if I were having a baby he wouldn't be on standby for emergency childcare outside of his normal hours, but that I'm expected to be around during his contact time just in case.
My mum told me I'm being unfair, and that its my job to be there (is it not his?)

It just seems wrong to me that if he can't have them for whatever reason, he expects me to pick up the pieces, but if I couldn't have them, then its up to me to arrange something else.

I guess that's part of being the rp, and I wouldn't swap that for the world, but that doesn't mean I can't find it unfair!

Like I said, im probably wrong. but feel better having written it all down.

I think as this is a one off then its just not the norm and can't compare at all to normal circumstances.
We had dsd when her mam went into hospital to have dsd little sister, it wasn't our contact time but we were aware a new baby in the family would impact dsd and wanted this to be as easy on her as possible.
It works both ways, doesn't make it easy but that's what happens when kids are involved. It's about the kids not the parents.

He does have form for cancelling when something else crops up, which has probably impacted my views.

That's fab that you had your dsd when you were needed to, that's how it should be imo. but that's kinda my point, he wouldn't, so it doesn't work both ways in my family :(

Its not ideal but TBH on this occasion it can't be helped, as obviously babies come when they are ready and he needs to be there.

So although it is far from ideal not knowing if you can make plans or not, this is I think one situation where a I think little flexibility is required.

My ex DH had another DC and our contact plans had to change a little around that time.

Things soon settled back into the normal routine though.

Oh I know that rita and I will be flexible.

I guess I'm just annoyed that I know he wouldn't be if the roles were reversed!

Yep pick.em up and drop rhem.like hot coals when something more important happens. Tis shit but at least they know they have you to rely on.

It's not nice when plans are changed all the time especially at short notice, we've had that happen too with dsd mam.
Best thing to do is try and rise above it to be honest, really not easy at times but if you can then you can always know you did the best by your dc even if ex hasn't. The dc know who's always there for them and will remember too.

Can see why you are annoyed and its unfair having to be the bigger person knowing full well he wouldn't be so accommodating.

This was the position I was in a year and a half ago, and unfortunately the baby is the sickliest thing I've ever known! In and out of hospital with various temperatures and infections. It doesn't help that she's always dirty, but hey. What do I know?

So, it messes with my children's contact with their dad, and all I get from our mutual friends is "well, you've got to consider that they've got BabyName now, it's hard for them to be reliable"

Yeaaaah. I don't care. I think their dad is just being shit.

i get it. I have seen step parents flamed on mn for wanting the mum to have the child while the dad is having a new baby.

while it is best that the children are with you rather than some random neighbour/rellie/friend if ex needs to go to hospital it does not feel fair that he gets to have childcare on tap while it would not work in reverse.

I try to understand and look at things from her side, and think how would I feel if I were a step mum. I've found reading the step parenting forum on here so useful for that, and appreciate how hard it must be,.as whatever step parents do its wrong!

And I fully appreciate that this is an unusual circumstance, that isn't likely to happen regularly, and of course I would rather the dc were with me than anyone else, as the oldest in particular are worried about the new baby and how he will affect their relationship with their dad.

But this does not feel fair that he gets to have childcare on tap while it would not work in reverse.. sums it up perfectly, so thanks Susan you've worded it perfectly!

colditz that's exactly it, yes he has babyname now,.but he also has your dc. It makes me so sad when the older children get sidelined for a new baby :(

And i wonder how this will all work long term when I (hopefully) go to uni next year, and won't be able to cancel plans to suit him and his life. Time will tell, but I suspect I will need plans a b and c for emergency.child care!

I can see where you're coming from op but its one sided for different things when it comes to separated families. We've always been there when it comes to dsd but never been allowed to have her over for Xmas or birthdays and when it comes to holidays we always had to wait for dsd mam to let us know when we could have her etc which she took great pleasure in not answering texts for days on end.
Once we had our own dc we've kind of had to say we're going on holiday a certain time and if dsd can come great if not then were still going as our whole family life can't revolve around dsd mam deciding when we can go.
I think it works both ways but obviously mothers and fathers are all different. Some are just useless but it isn't necessarily always the father.

It does of course depend on the individuals but in some situations the step mum helped break up marriage! Which can make people not want to bend over backwards. Of course we rise above that for the best interests of our kids.

We split birthdays and Christmas, taking it in turns, although, maybe unsurprisingly this doesn't happen on new years eve. He never has them as he wants to.celebrate.

Totally agree Rita, that was definately not the situation in our case thankfully!

And I will always rise above it in rl, mn is my venting space

Thank God for MN And two fingers to NRPS rights but not responsibilities. and an OW who demands a front row seat at the school play but couldn't possibly be expected to financially contribute it must be nice to pick and chose the bits of being a parent which give you the most public glory.

Now - back to gritted teeth and angelic smile

Lackedpunches, I just don't understand exs who don't contribute to their dc financial situation. It will all come back on them in the end.