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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

"I don't have a daddy. Its not fair!!"

17 replies

jitterbug85 · 03/08/2013 22:01

Well I knew the day would come one day... but didn't realise it would be this soon. He is only 3. What do I say to that :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Aethelfleda · 03/08/2013 22:16

(((((hug)))))

sweetie, you do have a daddy out there but we don't see him at the moment. Daddy isn't around because he had to work somewhere else/wanted to move away/insert a simple plain reason of your choice. (if daddy was around when DS was born tell him how happy he was to see him/positive memory of interaction even if brief). Mummy loves you more than anything and I am being your mummy and your daddy all rolled into one. What's not fair? (something will probably have brought this on! Finding out what may help...)

Aethelfleda · 03/08/2013 22:16

(ps I'm not a line parent but didn't want to read and run)

Original poster

jitterbug85 · 03/08/2013 22:27

He was asking for his cousin who has gone to his dad's house for the weekend. He has become really aware of family dynamics lately and realises now nana is my mum etc so guess it was only a matter of time.

His dad has never played a part in his life and decided when I was 5m pregnant that he didn't want to be a dad after all and haven't seen him since. It's a bitter pill to swallow hearing it from my lb though.

OP posts:

SupermansBigRedPants · 03/08/2013 22:32

A friend told her dd that her daddy loved her very much but wasn't quite perfect enough to be her daddy forever so she had mummys love to cuddle instead of a daddy - it didn't cure everything, questions were still asked but it stopped the sobbing breakdown she would have had otherwise. Poor girls dad didn't want her because she was a girl :( :(

Aethelfleda · 03/08/2013 22:38

No fun at all. But you're clearly a loving parent, and if there's no daddy involvement at all and not likely to be then I'd say keep it simple and say daddy chose to move away and we'll do just fine with the two of us.
Given that he's only three simple reassurances will do for a start, there is plenty of time as he grows to explain gently in more detail and he will hopefully understand in time that it's daddy who's lost out by not being around in your family unit.

buthow · 04/08/2013 03:12

I won't know how to answer too wen my DC is old enough to ask questions. But great advice up here.

SupermansBigRedPants noooo because she was a girl Lord thus horrible.... That is why wen my DC asks I wnt defend him I will say the truth "the words he spoke, how he walked away wnt that help ma DC never want to see him again that saying nice staff that will make DC keep wanting daddy who doesn't want him bk

Men who abandon their children.... I wish I hd power to get them eliminated

buthow · 04/08/2013 03:14

Meant than wanting daddy who doesn't want him at all..... So sad

Original poster

jitterbug85 · 04/08/2013 18:24

I definitely agree with keeping it simple for now, actually for a while yet. I will never understand the psyche behind parents who can walk away from their children. Can't believe that guy walked away because she was a lg!! makes me sick to my stomach

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 04/08/2013 22:24

"no it s not fair. Some people don't have daddies for many different reasons. But it.s ok, you have me and. Xxxxx (insert names of all relevant adults in his life)"

Life isn't fair.
Something some kids have to learn this sooner than others .
He doesn't have a daddy. that is sad.
But as he gets older he will know other kids have to deals with loss and hardship too.

Read how to talk s kids will listen, big bag of worries and other such books

cestlavielife · 04/08/2013 22:27

And please don't tell him you wil be his daddyand mummy. You wont. And you don't need to be. . You will be his mum. But that will be enough .

Build other adults into his life male and female.

HerrenaHarridan · 05/08/2013 17:12

Hi, I grew up without a dad and I would advocate simple reassurances, talk to your dc about lots of different family set ups including fostering.

I would also advocate honesty. Don't create a hero for them to pine for but don't slag him off either.
If you don't know tell them you don't know.

This may be the first of many times, try not to let them see that it upsets you or the poor little mites will soon be using it to manipulate you.

Sympathise if they are sad but play it down and show them all the people they have to be grateful for

HerrenaHarridan · 05/08/2013 17:16

Also I should add that from your dcs perspective "I don't have a daddy it's not fair" is fairly equivalent to "I don't have a pony it not fair"

They don't actually know what they are missing to miss it iyswim

My mum was literally my whole family and as adults we are so close.

She is an amazing woman and I have so much respect for what she went through to get me where I am today.

You are plenty for your dc too, don't feel sorry for them, they are lucky to have you

girliefriend · 05/08/2013 19:39

Oh bless you, i have been there. My dd (7yo) has never met her dad either and when she was about 3yo she started getting upset about it.

I have tried to be as honest as I can, 'your daddy didn't want to be a daddy but I wanted to be your mummy so much....'

I have given her as much info as I have on her father (which isn't much tbh) and I have shown her a photo of him. She wanted to know things like his name, how old he was....

Someone said to me that you don't want anything to come as a surprise to them so give her little bits of information as time goes on so she grows up with a general idea of who he was, why he is not about etc.

Its not easy, I found the book 'Do I have a daddy?' useful and also 'the family book' by Todd someone (both from Amazon).

I also do focus dd on all the people she does have in her life and who love her very much (me, nanny, Grandad etc)

HTH

Lioninthesun · 06/08/2013 23:46

Oh Girlie thank you for those book titles. DD is just 2 and at the moment everyone male is Daddy and all women are Mummy's
But every now and then she pulls a sad face at me at home and says "Daddy gone" x4 and I wonder if she is aware we don't have one - don't know any other lone parents, sadly. I know she will ask more as time goes on so this thread is great for keeping me from worrying about it. My therapist (oh god that sounds appalling!) said that kids can almost hero worship the NRP and can feel very let down when they meet the lying selfish prick man who walked out on them. So I think the advice on a bit more info as you see fit is good, not badmouthing them but being as honest as is kind for young ears to hear.

girliefriend · 07/08/2013 18:21

Thats o.kay Lion, dd likes those books and is now old enough to read them herself. I know when she is thinking about him as she will go and get them out to read.

Have you done any single parent holidays? Singlewithkids are good and it is a nice way to meet other single parents.

starlight1234 · 07/08/2013 19:18

My DS stopped seeing his Dad aged 3....

He has had a huge emotional rollercoaster with this...I started with all families are different...And worked with how lucky he was with his mummy who loved him... I told him over again it wasn't his fault so oftern he rolled his eyes and said yeeeeees I know ... He wanted an answer though... I told him his Daddy wasn't very good at been a Daddy and that he had another son he didn't see so it wasn't anything he could of done to change it.. Eventually he has decided for himself ..that Daddy doesn't care..I have told him I can't answer that as I don't speak to him so have no idea how he is feeling... He seems to have reached a point of acceptance for now...this has took about 3 years to get there... He said yesterday..Daddy is stupid and you are lovely... I don't agree with him (out loud anyway) but don't correct him either as this appears to be the most content he has been with the whole situation...

I think it depends upon the child how much they need to know but give them simple information ..you can always add if they need more.. The hardest time for my son was when he started school... all the Dads on the playgrouns..Biff and chip books with the ideal mummy and Daddy family

Fifi2406 · 07/08/2013 20:04

I am absolutely dreading this day! My son is nearly 2 I didn't think it would only be another year before he possibly asks! I think there has been some good advise given though!
Just commented for some hand holding

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