Will I be OK? Feel so sad (long)

[IsisOhIsis]

My 2yo dd's father left me when I was 3m pg. He saw her sporadically until she was 8mo then stopped. I arranged mediation to try to facilitate a relationship but eventually had to accept that he just wasn't interested. He is a very selfish, self obsessed person and I can't see that changing (though hope I am wrong).

I started seeing someone 8 months ago who I very stupidly allowed to become close to dd. That relationship ended on Monday.

I am now a single parent again, after feeling as though I was in a real partnership with XP. Dd keeps asking for him and I feel so awful that she has lost two people from her life in such a short time, the last of which was purely my fault. She's going through the normal 2yo tantrums and angst at the moment anyway and I'm finding it exhausting dealing with these, trying to help her through losing XP and also looking after myself.

To add to the stress her father has recently got back in touch and decided he wants to see her every other weekend for 2 hours. Due to the way he's behaved in the past I've said this has to be in a public place, he can't come to my house. He doesn't live in the same city as us so we can't go to his house. Today was the first meeting. We went to the park and dd enjoyed it as as far as she was concerned she was just playing, she obviously had no idea who he was as she's not seen him for a year and a half. I found it incredibly stressful and upsetting though obviously didn't show this to dd.

I'm so stressed and down at the moment. I've recently started taking anti-depressants again but I don't think they're having an effect yet. I'm having dreadful stomach pains, I assume from anxiety/stress, which makes it difficult to eat. I've had eating disorders in the past so that's worrying for me. I have NO energy and on my days off, though I have been managing to get us out and doing something in the morning, we come back for dd's midday nap and then that's all I can manage. We've just been spending all afternoon/evening on the sofa watching Elmo's world which makes me feel horribly guilty but I just feel incapable of doing anything. It is nice to have the cuddles with dd but I know she needs more than all of this screen time.

I'm worried her father will mess dd about again. I'm worried dd is/will suffer because she's lost xp who was an important person to her. I'm worried I will never find anyone (not that I would want to now but I don't want to be alone forever). I'm lonely and sad and feel like an awful mother, and a failure.

I'm sorry this is so long and pathetic. I'm not sure why im posting it, other than its been quite therapeutic to write it all down, though its also highlighted how much is wrong with my life!

You are doing the right thing get it all down, get lots of advice and move on in a positive way.
There will be wiser people on here than me but I would imagine that a lot of your anxiety is because you feel like everything is almost hapenning to you by other people - your exp ended the relationship the father of your DC decides when he wants to see DC. You care for your DC's needs.

My advice would be to take positive steps to decide what you want and what is best for you and DC. You are ok with contact, great but it has to be regular and at set times so in between your life is your own. If he fails to turn up, messes about then you will have to review things for DC's sake then.

Maybe take some time away from relationships and have time with DC and on your own with friends. Do you work? Do you have a good GP? can they arange some tlaking therapies for you? you need to take care of you and DD. You will be ok - the time to move on and have a happier time is here.

What a heck of a lot for you to cope with ! I suppose the best thing to try and do is focus on the potential benefits for DD if your Ex really does want to shape up to be a decent dad. Stick with the anti d's if they've helped int he past. I've recently downloaded a couple of mediation/relaxation apps and they are really helping me to sleep and night AND cope better in the day.

and hugs cos sometimes it's just good to know people hear you.

Oh Hun - you are NOT pathetic in the least, the mere fact you have written asking for help/advice shows you are a caring parent, and on top of that you speak so honestly and can clearly see and admit to your problem areas which again makes you anything but pathetic! In my eyes, you sound like a terrific Mummy who clearly has her DD best interests at heart this is obvious from the part where you hid your own distress and discomfort to put her first in order to facilitate a meeting with her Dad, and also in your worrying about the TV amount etc. If you were a rubbish parent, neither of these thing swould have entered your head..Really and truly, you sound like your doing a great job, and you need to sit back, be kind to yourslef for a bit and look after YOU while you grieve your newly finished relationship.
Your LO will be just fine with a bit of extra TV just on a temporary measure, it wont harm her and especially with an awesome Mummy putiing her first like you, shes going to be great. Cuddle infront of the TV are good! Just give yourself a bit of a break, take things slowly to get over your ex and to give your meds a chance to start working too. Take it day by day, and get help and support from the local childrens center or health visitor etc if you need it, or home start. All can be great and its no shame in asking for help. You WONT be alone forever but you need to focus on getting your self straight first and also seeing what happens with DD Father, it will all fall into place but post here whenever you need to - hope that helps and and for you xx

Thank you all so much for replying.

betterthanever - Yes, I am definitely not thinking about relationships! I'm actually quite looking forward to it just being DD and me and being self sufficient and so on. I just feel so terribly sad and lonely and really need a cuddle! I have a couple of good friends I can chat to but they can't be here all the time and I have some nice "mummy" friends but they're all happily married and we don't really have that sort of relationship, conversation tends to be more DC related than deep and personal. So, I'm just feeling very alone.

I work part time but it's shift work so I'm not sure how I could go to therapy as I couldn't guarantee the same shifts every week so as to be free for the same time. I desperately want to go and have done for ages but just can't see how to make it work.

Lackedpunches - what are the apps called, if you don't mind me asking? I think something like that might be good for me!

Shanelle - thank you very much. I probably do need to give myself a bit of a break, there just seems to be so much to beat myself up over!

I'm going to try and make an effort to get early nights and eat as well as I can and hopefully that will help a little