Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Who does pick up and drop off for dad's visit?

16 replies

Fraggle74 · 03/08/2013 17:07

Hi all

I wondered what the 'norm' is when it comes to my DS's dad spending his one day a week with him. He lives 30 miles away. Usually we meet halfway (even though I had to fight for it to be actual half way not another 5 miles nearer his end!) or sometimes we do one way each.

A friend told me she would consider it normal that a dad does both the pick up and drop off seeing as I look after our two year old for the other 6 days a week as well as work 3 of those days so it is hectic. I do know a couple of friends who have their ex do both journeys.

I did mention this to my exP but he has kicked off saying he works 5 days a week and shouldn't have to do both. I will prob end up giving in but wondered am I being unreasonable to ask him to consider this?

Thanks
Fraggle

OP posts:

IneedAyoniNickname · 03/08/2013 17:19

My ex does drop off and pick ups. But then I don't drive. He also only lives about 6miles away.

Who moved away from where you lived as a couple? Because imo that makes a difference. :)

Gruntled · 03/08/2013 17:19

Who moved 30 miles away?

littleballerina · 03/08/2013 17:23

We do it between us but he only lives down the road.

He tends to out stay his welcome when he picks up though so i offer more than not.

GluedToTheCouch · 03/08/2013 17:30

My ex lives 20 odd miles away. He does all the travelling to see the kids. I don't have a car any more so there's no other option, but even when I had one I ever did any of the drop offs or pick ups.

Lackedpunchesforever · 03/08/2013 17:37

Ex moved 90 miles away. He does all the driving.

Original poster

Fraggle74 · 03/08/2013 17:38

Thanks for your comments guys. Hadn't thought about the fact that it was me that moved back to my hometown when we split where my mum is when ds was 9 months. So I can see an argument for it not really being fair for me to expect him to do both. Although we had planned to move there at some point and I got a job there before we split. We split due to many reasons, one of those being he wouldn't commit to any of these plans when crunch time came!

I do drive so it is relatively easy for me to do it. Maybe I have just had bad week, not much sleep, boiler broken and could do with 24 hours to do nothing!

OP posts:

lostdad · 03/08/2013 17:50

There is no `norm' in law.

It is the responsibility of both of you to work out something simple as that. If you take the matter to the court you'll let someone else decide - simple as that.

It doesn't matter who moved, why they moved, who left who, whatever.

Original poster

Fraggle74 · 03/08/2013 17:52

That makes sense. Hopefully we can have reasonable chat about it at some point

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 03/08/2013 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyraSilvertongue · 03/08/2013 17:57

You should do at least as much of the dropping off/picking up as he does, given that you're the cause of the 30-mile distance.
My ex and I split it equally (he sees DC three times a week) but our houses are only 8 minutes' walk apart so it's a lot easier.

lostdad · 03/08/2013 18:02

Good luck Fraggle - it isn't easy and I understand it can be hard to reason with someone who is unreasonable.

The bottom line is `What is the best interests of your child'. For example...assuming he refuses to compromise and/or be reasonable - would that be a reason for the children not to see their dad because he's being like that and you're not going to give in?

You may well find yourself in the unenviable situation of acting in the best interests of your child by agreeing to something that isn't fair on you...

Original poster

Fraggle74 · 04/08/2013 06:58

Good to read all your experiences and thoughts.

Lostdad, thanks for that. Think that's where I am at with it. Although he is a great dad to our DS generally, I know that there are times when it comes to situations like this before he will just refuse to engage in reasonable discussion and be pig headed and would put that before DS's welfare.

So I know already that I have to 'give in' and turn up today. Last night i sent a polite email raising my points and I haven't had a response at all nor to a text asking him to kiss DS goodnight which he would normally respond to.

So I have to remember that for DS' sake I need to do it his way. When he behaves like this I hate that it doesn't feel amicable anymore and panic that we have another 18 years of this. It wasn't meant to be this way !

OP posts:

MelanieCheeks · 04/08/2013 07:20

I think you need to move away from seeing this as an onging battle - you talk about fighting to get an extra 5 miles, and about "giving in". Really, this is just a matter of practicalities - try to keep emotions out of it.

Original poster

Fraggle74 · 04/08/2013 07:55

I suppose it does feel like a fight as he won't discuss these things with me in a polite adult way. So although its a practical matter he will dig heels in and just not communicate and if I don't 'fight' I just do what he wants rather than what we have decided together is fair. And then I feel resentful that once again I have to do things the way he dictates even if it isn't practical, fair or reasonable. But then that's why I left in the first place...

OP posts:

MelanieCheeks · 04/08/2013 08:38

Do you need to change the arrangements each week? Or can you set up something that suits you both and then that's it sorted?

One doing drop off and the other doing pick up always made most sense to me - in reality that's only one trip to organise/ disrupt your day.

Original poster

Fraggle74 · 04/08/2013 12:03

Yes I think that's the problem as it seems we do something different each weekend since he moved job away from our area and think it needs to be more consistent. I have changed nights a lot to accommodate his wishes. Am happy to be flexible but would probably benefit from a regular routine of knowing what time I leave to get him on what day. At least then I can maybe have more of a social life and time for me that I can plan properly.

OP posts:

Flip