Hi Mums/Moms/Mams,
I could really do with some advice on this. Apologies in advance for the long winded story! And up until last year I was a lone parent with my daughter (and still feel the burden of making single-parent decisions) so I hope you ladies don't mind me posting in here!
My ex made his excuses and left me to it when I was just 3 months pregnant and moved away. It was only when I was 8 months and I contacted him he decided to take an interest in our daughter. He then spent the next year sporadically visiting (once a month if we were lucky) and being very bad at calling or checking in to see how she was. I made a lot of effort to involve him in her life, going to his house for five hours on end or day trips so he could spend time with her, but he never really committed to her until she was a bit older. I managed to convince him to set up a regular visit of the first Monday of the month - he didn't always manage this. As my daughter got older this changed to twice a month, and again he made some weeks but not all, choosing his music life over her (he is a self employed musician and frequently gigs around the UK and Europe) even though he said he was committed to sacrificing two days a months for her. He would have good times when he would be dedicated but then this would filter out until I would call him up on it and then he would behave again. The whole time he would promise us things that would help her (like a travel cot for when he had her by himself so she could nap) but then wouldn't actually get them. He would tell me she would have a pram for her, but then I would find out he didn't and at 2 years of age she was walking everywhere on foot. He would lie about a lot of things that would involve her welfare such as what he was feeding her, where they were going and what he had for her. This has made me really not trust him and his concerns for our daughters welfare.
When my daughter was about 2 1/2 he finally starting paying me some maintenance (£100 a month) and has stuck to this. However, he was still failing to see her when he said he would, sometimes just not turning up, or relying on his parents to have her or pick her up and drop her off (sometimes because he was in bed!). He says he is committed to her, but I honestly think my daughter is just a novelty to him and he enjoys her company and bragging to his friends, but doesn't really see his parenting responsibility when he is a away.
We moved closer to him and so in theory it should be easier for him to visit, but recently he has been missing visits for gigs and he will only phone when he isn't seeing her. He even forgot to phone on her birthday!
She is now 3 1/2 and very forward for her age. We have been told she has the mental age of a child who is 4-5, and is very clever. We now also live with my partner of a year who she is very close to and see's as a father figure as he does a lot for her. But I have still encouraged her to see her biological father as a dad. I have told her she is a very lucky girl as she has two daddies who both love her very much!
Ok, so here's my problem. Very recently my daughter has point blank refused to see her bio dad and he had to bring her back to me within an hour of having her as she was so upset to be with him. Since then she has told me she doesn't want to see him anymore and that she doesn't like him. Myself and all my family have been trying to encourage her to change her mind, but she is not budging on her decision. I don't want to force her in case she see's it as punishment and neither does her father. I truly believe his lack of routine with her has been damaging her trust in him and she doesn't see him as the father she should see him as (she just doesn't have the bond she should have). She is happy in her life a the moment and doesn't seem to want that disturbed. There doesn't seem to be a particular reason why she doesn't want to see him and she is a very verbal child so I think she would tell me if there was anything untoward.
I am absolutely exhausted chasing him up over the years and trying to get him to understand that kids need routine and to stick to his visits religiously, and now she is refusing to see him I really don't know what to do. He only has himself to blame for the way she feels but I don't know if I have to carry on trying to make her go and chase him all the time or just leave it between the pair of them to decide. I want what's best for my little girl and I've only ever done it for her. So I don't want to go against her wishes... but what can I do??
Apologies for the very long winded story, its not one I can explain in just a paragraph! :)
Please help, a confused and worried mom! x x x