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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

2 children sharing bedroom with their nrp father

23 replies

DiamondDoris · 01/08/2013 14:17

Ex-h has the DC every weekend for 2 overnight stays. He has the matrimonial home which formerly had 3 bedrooms, well kind of. One he uses as a study (dumping ground for stuff), a very small bedroom with enough room for a bunk bed only and his bedroom. Okay, so far... he has now invited his elderly mother to live with him and she'll have the DC's old bedroom (the one with the bunk bed). The DC are to have their bunk bed moved into their father's room. The DC are DS who is 7 (asd) and DD who is 10. DD is not happy with this future arrangement and neither am I. Is this situation fine? Appropriate?

OP posts:

bluebell8782 · 01/08/2013 16:49

It won't be ideal long-term and I can see why she wouldn't like it. However, I imagine it won't be forever and it just seems to be a solution for the moment. My advice would be to leave it be - and in the nicest possible way it's not really your decision.

kittycat68 · 01/08/2013 19:09

i have been through similar OP. I would ask EXP nicely saying that you dont feel is appripriate and the children arnt happy with the arrangements see what happens for two contacts. If it carries on get a solicitor to write to him to tell him the same. if this matter goes before court a judge would order the children have thier own bedrooms seperate from those adults in the house. ie one child in each bedroom and adults sleeping in other rooms.
Equally Op do you have a contact order in place? you could tell your ex that there will be no overnight contact untill he makes more appropriate arrangements if you have no order. he can still have contact but not overnight. if he dosent return them, then you ahve the right to refuse contact.
Equally you could just let it go and see how long it goes on for and how much the children complain, in the end if they dont like it they will start to refuse to go and it will be your ex who will have damaged his relashionship with his children.
I would also question how he is going to look after your children with a dependant mother in the house.

Sirzy · 01/08/2013 19:11

The fact your Dd isn't happy would be enough for me to (very diplomatically) say something.

If it is a 3 bedded house then there must be space to find an alternative. Would a sofa bed fit in the study?

TheBuskersDog · 01/08/2013 19:16

Whilst I agree it is not ideal and he needs to free up the other bedroom, I cannot see what would be inappropriate about the children sleeping in the same room as their father.

Sirzy · 01/08/2013 19:41

If it makes the children feel uncomfortable then it is inappropriate in my opinion. As a 10 year old girl I don't think I would have wanted to regularly share a bedroom with my dad.

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 01/08/2013 20:05

We have shared custody agreed at mediation. Yes, I think it will depend on how long my DD can tolerate being there. My DS doesn't seem to care either way. As I said his DM is elderly but I rather suspect he wants her there so that he can have a live-in skivvy. Since I left the place is a complete tip, but that was another post a while ago. I mentioned to him that I wasn't happy with the set up but as usual he just smirked. I may just have to wait for DD to get sick and tired of living there - I want to avoid confrontation with ex. I can't see a sofa bed or fold out bed going into his study (it's a big room) unless he clears some of his junk (he is a hoarder/paper hoarder).

OP posts:

purpleroses · 01/08/2013 23:02

Mine share, but that's because ex has one bed flat and DW and new baby in it. Don't think it's utterly inappropriate but do think that with 3 bedrooms it's a bit bloody stupid to be sharing with both DCs just because you can't clear out your junk from the 3rd bedroom. Bit tough on the DCs to be turfed out the room that used to be theirs too. Is there a chance that his DM will actually help him get the place sorted out and some space cleared? Do you know her well enough to suggest this to her?

But in terms of what you do about it - it's only worth raising it yourself if you have a very amicable relationship and he'll actually listen to you. Otherwise, try to support your DD to tell her dad herself how she feels about things.

My DD was upset recently about sharing with her dad, his DW and the new baby - who was keeping her awake - so I helped her to write down a list of her concerns and some possible suggestions to make things better for her. She took it with her to her dad and he has done some of the things she suggested. We've also mutually agreed to reduce the number of overnights that they do with their dad until his housing situation is resolved - but I don't think that's something I'd have pushed against his will. It was the DCs' suggestion and he was OK about it.

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 02/08/2013 08:03

Purple unfortunately ex-h puts himself first (he has no empathy, controlling etc) he wouldn't listen to me (neither would his DM who thinks the sun shines out of his backside) or my DD. That's what makes it frustrating. DD can't be forced to stay with him at weekends and when this arrangement comes into force I think she'll want to stay with me.

OP posts:

Sunnysummer · 02/08/2013 08:09

How long term is the set up? At 10 it isn't ideal for your DD but I wouldn't say it's inappropriate for an occasional and short term setup, but as she moves further into puberty this will become infeasible. It is especially unreasonable when there is in fact a third bedroom available for use - can you put this in terms of how it will help HIM ie by keeping a good relationship with DCs?

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 02/08/2013 08:11

if this matter goes before court a judge would order the children have thier own bedrooms seperate from those adults in the house. ie one child in each bedroom and adults sleeping in other rooms.

Is that the case for RP too? My DP has been badly advised if so - he was told he couldn't influence the housing/sleeping arrangements his DCs have with their Mum through the courts and that he should contact SS with any concerns.
Good news if so - I'll suggest he seeks a second opinion!

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 02/08/2013 09:33

My DC do share a room but at least I'm not in it. This is a flat I own from the available equity on the former (my former) marital home. I got a bum deal really but was glad to do anything to get away. They have a nice big bedroom, a bed each and are generally happy sharing for the time being. I'd love to be able to afford a 3 bedroom place but can't yet as I'm not earning at the moment. I think I need to mention the whole set up at my ex-h's house as posters have rightly said there are 3 "bedrooms" AND a living room with a sofa bed . I can't reason with the unreasonable sadly.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 02/08/2013 10:56

for social housing there are rules about sharing bedrooms over certain age etc - for private housing there is not.

how can a judge order someone how many bedrooms to own?
in any case on paper the nrp has enough rooms.

how is it going to be policed?

I dont have enough bedrooms as left to small rented flat for what i thought was temprorary eg one year - six years later due to wrangles and court cases over selling FMH etc - i am still sleeping on sofa and it isnt ideal. but as it is private rented, no one is going to order me otherwise. SS are aware but funnily enough not offering me a house/flat with enough bedrooms - because i work, it's all skewed.

(but then again if you go on housing list/become homeless you could end up squishing in one bed or b and b for xx months/years anyway)

it isnt ideal but it is the nrp responsibility. on paper he has the space. judge could order him to clear space but how would that be implemented? are they going to order the mother to move out? provide residential care for her?

if children are unhappy with the arrangement then they need to tell/write and ask him .

if children say they dont want overnights until they get their own bedrooms then put that forward.

but dont expect a judge to automatically agree to stopping overnights because of this arrangement. where and how people sleep in their own private homes and who shares with who is their business; unless it obviously causing real harm in some way - that is what needs to be shown.

cestlavielife · 02/08/2013 11:02

"if this matter goes before court a judge would order the children have thier own bedrooms seperate from those adults in the house. ie one child in each bedroom and adults sleeping in other rooms."

based on what?
any case law on this?

of course it's the logical arangement but no judge can order people who own their homes to sell up and buy bigger ones if they cannot afford it;

or to force people to move from private rented - unless someone is going to come up with teh costs of moving. it really isnt feasible or pactical. people share for lots of reasons.

what judge is going to order the nrp to move his mother out? to where? who will pay for this? how he organises his house is his issue. sharing a room for two nights a week isnt real neglect is it? it isnt ideal, no.

if applying for social housing as said above then yes it is based on number of people. (as we seeing in the "bedroom tax")

kinkyfuckery · 02/08/2013 11:11

perhaps suggest when he has he kids to stay, either he or they sleep on the sofa bed in the livingroom. other than that, butt out.

NatashaBee · 02/08/2013 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DiamondDoris · 02/08/2013 12:40

Yes, I think I should bottle up my emotions and butt out. He treats them well, as best he can but he still puts his own needs before his DC - he can't help it I suppose as he has Aspergers. - I don't think he's like that due to selfishness but a lack of being able to put himself in others' shoes. I'm hoping the situation will resolve in time because I don't want conflict as I've said before. The set up does really annoy me though and this resentment just piles up. I just don't know when I'm being too nice and not demanding more, but it's good to get advice on here rather than having a hissy fit at some later stage.

OP posts:

Lackedpunchesforever · 02/08/2013 13:32

I disagree with the assertion that a judge will force any parent to provide a separate bedroom for each child.

OP I think your approach is the right one. A few nights of sleep talking, snoring, restless kids might just focus his mind on sorting out something more appropriate!

kittycat68 · 02/08/2013 16:12

the post was about the children sleeping in the bedroom on contact not about applying for social housing! And no a court wont force someone to buy a biiger house!

Some of what i have said has been taken out of context here.
The father has to provide suitable accomodation for overnight visitation.
he can sleep on the sofa if he like or sleep in a bed with his mother if thats his choice!! However An ASD WILL need a room to themselves and A daughter of 10 also. IF op took this before a judge as it was happening on a recurring basis as stated the exp would be made to provide suitable accomodation either in the home or elsewhere!

Op if you really do not want to rock the boat then say nothing. the kids will refuse to go when they have had enough of it.

lostdad · 02/08/2013 17:21

The bottom line is simply this: Is the matter big/important enough for your DC to not see their father?

For the record - if I were advising him I'd be telling him to do something about it because it'd be better for the children not to be in this situation.

cestlavielife · 02/08/2013 17:37

Really ? A judge would "make " him put the kids in separate rooms? How ? How would that be policed ? It s not that I don't agree but the nrp could say to judge yes of course then not comply.or say its temporary etc ..is it really so serious that worth wasting time and money of court over ?

It sounds like the main home is with mum that is where the space is needed.

My pont about social housing is that in social housing the requirements for not sharing if not same sex are used in allocating bedrooms. But no one polices what happens in privately owned homes or private rented. Overcrowding is not policed unless there are other signs of neglect or abuse. It isn't against the law to have children sharing a room with each other or with their parents.

cestlavielife · 02/08/2013 17:44

www.safekids.co.uk/should-children-opposite-sex-share-bedroom.html

As per here there is no law so a judge would be unlikely to order it. But as pointed out here it may get to point when dd is older that she refuses to stay overnight and by then she old enough to decide anyway. S you don't need judge or court

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/08/2013 23:04

A court would be extremely unlikely to order that the children had there own rooms as its not there residence.

They would be more likely to order that nrp does not also share if other house space is available and the children are uncomfortable with the adult sharing the room. But still its not very likely just slightly more likely than the indervidual rooms.

kittycat68 · 03/08/2013 15:00

Op please remember this is a forum. people will state their opions with or without legal experience in these matters.
You need to do what YOU think is the best option for your children.

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