feeling miserable

[BlackDaisies]

My ex has recently been cautioned for assault (nasty bruising) against my little boy. He refuses to take any responsibility for what he has done and is now sending me threatening texts, despite ss advising that contact is supervised. (His last text was that I was "withholding contact" and could ignore ss advice, despite me saying he could see our dc with a family member present.) I am feeling exhausted tbh. I try so hard to maintain a relationship between my dc and him and sometimes I wonder why I bother. Not sure what I'm asking for here (I'm intending to ask for police advice in the morning), but any support would be good.

He has assaulted your son. He is abusive and threatening. Why are you trying to facilitate his relationship with your DCs?

I try because people tell me it is in the best interests of the children to have some relationship with their father. Even ss seem to think this is the case. And he is one of those people who can be "nice" as well as aggressive. My children want to see him - they are quite loyal to him, though having said that, they haven't really been that bothered that they haven't seen him for a while. I appreciate what you're saying though - I feel as though the scales are falling from my eyes at the moment. SS say he bullies me and I need support, but even so, they still seem to think the children should maintain some sort of contact with him. I find the whole thing exhausting.

Your DCs' father is dangerous. They are at risk when with him. If you are adamant that contact really is better for them than not having him in their lives, get advice from SS and the police about how this contact can be safe eg. he can only contact you through your solicitor and see the DCs in a contact centre.

The assault and abusive messages should be sufficient for you to obtain an injunction preventing him from contacting you directly.

I once supervised contact with ex MIL supervising..have to say it didn't work and contact broke down in the end..Mainly as she couldn't see the risks and faults in her behaviour....so wasn't protective to my son

I would look at a contact centre if I was you...It really is much less stress related.I also did it at a soft play centre as my son was less at risk at a public place..Don't debate with Ex..Offer him the contact you think is safe and SS agree..Be aware if you go against SS they could deem you as not keeping your DC safe.

keep abusive texts..Log things with police..If things do go to court evidence is relevant her say often isn't

I would make a full log of everything that is said and done with dates and times - should you need it all in the future as proof.

Good luck it is so horrible when these things happen.

I have been in a similar situation. Ex still refuses to accept and acknowledge what he has done. Even from the initial assaults, SS still maintained the line that contact should continue. My best advice to you is to get a good solicitor - ring Womens Aid for recommendations of solicitors who have a special interest in contact with abusive fathers. I have been involved in the process for over 2 years and yes it IS exhausting. My circumstances sound so similar to yours - despite his abuse, the children still want to see him and that's hard. He is also enabled and cheered on at every step by an OW who has fallen for his whole 'poor me/evil Ex' line.
Pm me if I can help anymore.

I must admit to finding the whole "children MUST have a relationship with their Father" logic a little waring at times.
It is especially rife here on MN, and yes, SS seem to promote it almost all the time too even with abusive (mentally or even physically!) Fathers.
I hope I dont get shot down for having this opinion, I just genuinelly dont get it, if it were an abusive partner/DP we'd all be united in jumping up and down saying leave the bastard etc and thats concerning 2 adults, yet when its an innocent child, often ones too young to speak for themselves why so we persist along the lines of facilitating a long term relationship with someone who will, inevitably cause them damage just because this is a parent? Genuinely do not understand. Not saying this particular thread is headed that way, but have seen it time and again on MN and personally I believe that a child would be better off with one loving parent who makes them feel safe and secure rather than 2 parents, one of whom will cause long term damage. Am I alone?

Yes you do certainly have a point shanelle and if at any stage the mother is at breaking point she must do as she feels is best for her and her children so if it is too harrowing to pursue the access route nobody should judge if access rights are withdrawn.

A mother's health is very important and since invariably in these situations we are the ones running it all and making all the day to day decisions as well as looking after our own health as best we can if the father is bringing the mother down and their children then in my view she is way better off without him.

Hi - thanks everyone for your support and advice. I've actually had great support form ss this week. They recognise from his emails/ texts he is abusive, and offering me support in how to deal with it. Like someone else said, his stance is that everyone is against him and he has done no wrong. But in responding like that, he shows there is still a risk from his behaviour, which reassures me that contact will continue to be supervised.