Three's A Crowd! - hats off to 2 parent families i say!

[bourneville]

I'm a single mum but i have a boyf i have been with for 3 1/2 years since pg. We don't live together.

It's only in the past 6-12 months i think that he is getting more involved, mostly down to his own confidence really, and backing me up with discipline for eg. He is great, we talk through parenting stuff & he thankfully usually agrees with me and when he doesn't he accepts it has to be my way, and he has a fantastic relationship with dd, so it's all good.

But, it's just that things feel so much more stressful when he's here! I don't think dd has more tantrums when he's here, but it is v noticeable after he's gone that things are v peaceful for a while. It's prob because my attention is divided, though my attention is never 100% on dd anyway when we're just us two, i still get on with other stuff too but it prob feels diff when it's on another person. The same stands prob re attention from him, too.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be a 2 parent family all the time!! It bugs me when ppl say "It must be hard on your own!" and "I don't know how you do it!" because, seriously, it is so much easier on your own!! Does anyone else feel this way or completely differently?
(I must add though that i don't have any horrible situations with an ex/dd's dad etc, i know a lot of single mums have that to cope with too - and more than one child also makes a difference!)

I agree with you. I split with my ex when I was 8 months PG and afterwards I thought I don't know how I would have coped with all the sleepless nights and with my ex too. He did stay some nights as he lives in France and it was just terrible. I didn't mind getting up every 2 hours with DS but I resented massively ex snoring his way through the night and then asking me what was for breakfast in the morning ! He doesn't see DS very much (about 4 hours in the last two months) but when he's here I'm like a different person (friends have commented on this too) - I'm on edge, stressed out, watching what I say... Doesn't help that we have totally different ideas on parenting too. I met up with the woman who was in the bed next to me in hospital when I had DS and she said "so you've had to do it all on your own...", she was in total amazement but I just thought better to do it on your own than with someone who just makes life harder for you. I couldn't contemplate another relationship, he's put me off for life but its nice to hear a happy story that you have a reasonable man. Rumour has it they do exist !!!!!

Thank goodness other people feel this way. Xp left when I was two months preg. Now I can't imagine sharing my little boy every day or having to put up with someone else's demands and expectations.

Also, nice not to have to put up with MIL and her opinions on how to bring up children .

I don't even mind the middle of the night feeds- it's just me and my baby sat in the dark feeding and not having to worry about disturbing someone who has to get up and go to work.

When xp first left I couldn't imagine how I was going to cope and yet I've amazed myself with what I can do (sad...felt immense pride when I fixed the shower all on my own last week :) ).

Like Bourneville lots of people have said that they can't imagine how I cope - but then I've not known any different.

Three cheers for single parents :o

Honestly? Your set up sounds perfect. Yes dp lives with us and I love him, but it's so peaceful when he's away overnight for work.

He's off for a week next week, and I'm actually looking forward to it!

Glad ppl are in agreement with me! Was wondering if dynamics were wonky with my boyf or something! I do worry about if & when we ever settle down together, have our own kid etc, and whether or not I really want that!! Of course we're not ready for that yet, and ultimately it's what i want, but i do wonder when i will ever be ready! Just love being independent & on my own & in control of me & dd's lives by myself.

The thing I liked most before DP moved (when I was a SP)was not having to clear up before he got home from work and being able to eat "crap" with the kids and not having to supply a meat and two veg dinner EVERY night as his mum used to do!

I am not a lone parent, but I do agree with you. I know it's not comparable with being a lone parent, but DP is away a lot. It's just so much easier when he's not here tbh - the kids know exactly who to come to for something, they can't play us against eachother, they only have 1 level of discipline (i.e. mine).

:) The great thing about being a single mum with a boyf is that gradually issues like that get talked about in advance. He knows i wouldn't do that sort of sh*, if I didn't already have a kid I don't think we'd have a vision of what it might be like to be a family, iykwim. I can also rant & rave about the whole being a SAHM IS hard work (harder than a full time job!) without it involving resentment or competition (most of the time!) etc. I do do more for him now than i would if we were a family, though, as he is a guest/my boyf type of thing, but he knows that! & he's helping out more & more these days
There's a downside to it though- after all, i do have a vision of what it might be like to be a family!

I think the same, I would like to meet someone new one day (wounds still a little too raw at the moment), but I know that any new relationship will probably be more open (not in THAT sense ! because I'll know what to expect from being in a family unit.

TBH I feel quite sorry for the men who walk away from their children (especially before they are born) because they miss out on something v. special - but this does allow single parent to form a very special bond.