Tell me about how you survived the first few years of single parenthood

[ClairityVerity]

Financially and in every other aspect of life! I have two primary-ages DCs, currently work p/t, don't earn very much and am trying to work out how I could manage if DH and I split up. I don't have family available to help.

I've been counting on getting state support until I earn enough to support my family, however I heard this morning about a single mother who was due to be evicted because she couldn't afford the rent on her flat - I was shocked - surely she should have been receiving housing benefit? or am I (a) being naive; (b) missing some vital facts about her story?

TIA.

I'm not sure about financials as I worked and didn't qualify for housing benefit. Entitledto.com will give you a good guide though. Your DH will be expected to may some maintenance unless he has the kids 50% of the time.

However, for coping otherwise I'd say the key is being organised! I got so good at juggling everything that now I'm no longer an LP I struggle to let my DP take control of anything.

If you are in the position to ( not abusive etc) keep things amicable even if it means being more flexible than you wild like sometimes. A good co-parenting relationship can ease the stress a lot.

As for the eviction, there's likely details you don't know. Rent can cost more than housing benefit, there's that new bedroom tax ( not here in NI yet so not v clued in on it) etc.

When Ex and I split up I worked p/t with 3 small children. I was entitled to Working Tax Credit and Child Tax Credit which meant we coped financially, even though it wasn't easy.

And it was marvellous to be without him...the loss of snide remarks, unpleasant atmosphere, etc was such a relief. I never, ever regretted it.

Thanks for the advice. I didn't realise maintenance was affected by how much time the main wage earner spends with the kids - I'd assumed he'd have to contribute something since he earns loads more than my piddly income.

Our rent is more than housing benefit, which is unfortunate as it's practically guaranteed that we can be here for 10 years or more. If I can't get maintenance we will have to move to somewhere cheaper and far away from all our friends - essential childcare support!

I've been thinking that we could stay here until I establish my career and no longer need to be dependent on the state/ DH for money, but now it feels like that may not be an option - also the Universal Credit is coming along, which no doubt will slash the amounts people are entitled to, right?

Bluecarrot, amicable is possible and what I'm hoping for/ working towards. I hope DH will aim for the same.

I expect you'd be entitled to significant tax credits. So even if housing benefit doesn't cover your rent you may find you can still afford the house. Do you work 16 hours or more?

Yes, I'm p/t and work about 20 hours...I think that still means I'm entitles to less than if I worked fewer hours, doesn't it?

Sorry, entitled!

But that is GREAT to know that we might be able to stay - there are so many reasons why it would be better for us, not least of which is security of tenure and continuity for the children. I really must make a concerted effort to look into this in more detail.

I split with my dh 3 and a half months ago and was amazed by the amount of working tax credit I can get towards my childcare. Buying a property worked out cheaper than renting even though I only work part time. If you go on the CSA website you can look up the amount of maintenance your DH will pay.

I was terrified of breaking up and how it would all work out. I am sad that things haven't worked out but I know thaat in our case, it is the right thing to do and I have felt so free and empowered over the last 3 months. You will also pay only 50% council tax.

We have managed to keep thngs amicable and that takes away a massive strain. One of the hardest things is everyone telling us what we should and shouldnt do. It is everybody elses thoughts which make things harder and worse so be true to yourself. All relationships go through Shit times as I am sure you know and you may well come out the other side. You can only make the jump if and when you are ready. Don't be pushed into it take your time. Things will work out and there are plenty of us out here doing great! Very best of luckxx

You've voiced so many thoughts that have been on my mind. Especially the one about it being an incredibly hard choice but the right thing to do - it sounds as though you're the one who chose to end the relationship, is that right?

I am certain that ultimately DH will find that it is better for us to no longer be together, not least when he finds someone who loves him so much more than I can.

I'm so encouraged to hear you saying how empowered you feel since parting, and that you've managed to keep things amicable - please give me your tips on keeping the friendship positive!!!

Also how did you afford a property - did you have savings? Do benefits count on a mortgage application? Surely not!

Working 20 hours a week is great - it means you can get tax credits (instead of Job Seekers Allowance). You'll have more money overall than you would if you were out of work, unless your childcare costs or costs of travelling to work are very high. But on tax credits you can also claim 70% of the childcare costs back.

I got made redundant a few months after I became a single parent, but managed to get a new job on 3 days a week. Tax credits were great and meant I didn't need to claim housing benefit. Did then manage to buy the flat we were in - the mortgage did take tax credits into account, though this was a few years ago when mortgages were generally a bit easier to get. I then sold it, went up to 4 days a week (as youngest had started school) and bought a bigger place, but the mortgage was a bit hard to afford so moved DS to the loft room and got a lodger. That worked out fine for us.

The other thing to do if feasible is to make sure that whatever contact time your DCs have with their dad is useful time for you to have without them - so if he can have them in the day whilst you work (or if you can work in the evenings or at a weekend) then that helps loads. If you can't get him to have them at times when you can work, then at least see if you make it time when you'd like to get out with friends, go to a class or something.

Maintenance is on top of whatever benefits you can get - it's roughly 20% of your ex's net earnings for two DCs. Minus 1/7 for each night a week he has them.

I've been lucky enough to have an amicable relationship with my ex. It's become much more formal, we meet up once every few weeks to work out who's having the kids when and discuss anything else we need to about them. We don't have much other contact except texts to confirm arrangements, ask to collect things the DCs have left at the wrong house, etc. No more rows.

Thanks purpleroses, that is a really positive and pragmatic post. I have so much to learn! If I canst least find a way to getting a smallish mortgage that will massively cut our costs, provide my children some stability and enable me to feel I'm depending less on the state.

Your info re maintenance is really helpful, too. And it's so encouraging every time I hear about people's amicable arrangements post-split.