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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Leaving dd with ex, then home to cry (sorry just handholding needed)

16 replies

bluebeardsbabe · 28/07/2013 09:48

Won't go into details as posted all about my pregnancy and how shit exp was last year under another name but yes, I was alone through pregnancy while exp shacked up with OW. DD is 9 months now and exp has started to take an interest (was not at birth and didn't see her until she was 4 months old).

So here I am, handing a 9 month old over to him in a carpark twice a week so he can go home and play happy families with baby and OW for a few hours. He rocks up in his flash car and designer gear and never hesitates to tell me about extra money he gets through work, or new things he is buying (today it was a new washing machine).

I am pretty much destitute and at the end of this month moving back in with my mum as I can't afford to live on my own as I am still on mat leave. I have never once hindered him from seeing dd as I know it is both his legal right and also what is morally right for dd to have a relation with her dad.

Still, feels completely shit as everytime I see him as it just reminds me how utterly crappy my life is while that tool seems to just be riding on a crest of a wave.

Sorry I guess I just need a bit of a moan and a cry, I know things will get better but still, it is heartbreaking when the person who has been in the wrong for the last year seems to not only have everything material but also can swan in and pick up a relationship with dd when he fancies.

(Oh and I have a wonderful supportive family and am having counselling through my midwife but I still feel like unless you have been through it, no one knows how rubbish this feeling is:( )

OP posts:

Fairylea · 28/07/2013 09:54

Hi I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The one thing I will say, as someone 10 years down the line in a similar situation, is please make sure he is paying the right maintenance. If he is driving about in flash cars and spending loads while you are struggling-well something is not right. Is he paying through csa? Do they have his correct income? If they do and he is spending on credit, more fool him.

I wish I had dobbed my ex in many many years ago when he was paying me peanuts and living the high life. He has now buggered off to America, living a very rich life while dd and I have struggled, despite him keeping contact and csa are now useless as he is abroad and they cannot trace all his finances. Don't let this happen to you.

Emotionally things will get easier with time. I promise.

Original poster

bluebeardsbabe · 28/07/2013 10:00

Thank you. I don't live in the UK at the moment and in this (European) country he only has to pay the standard £100 per month unless I take him to court (which I may well do down the line).

I know it will get easier but I feel so emotional with it all (obviously sleepless nights don't help) and I can't help thinking where is the fairness in all of this.

His finances are obviously better since he moved in with OW as they now have a dual income. Oh yes, I forgot to add that he has not bought a single thing for dd except one baby grow when he went on an expensive holiday and the worst of it was that he told me that he had bought a few toys to have at his for when dd goes there.....but he bought them in a second hand shop!! This is a guy that wears a different pair of designer sunglasses everytime he picks dd up. I don't know whether to laugh or cry ;)

OP posts:

Lonecatwithkitten · 28/07/2013 10:52

It is really hard and probably moving back in with your mum will not only give you financial support, but also emotional. It does get easier I promise.

SnoopyLovesYou · 28/07/2013 11:27

Been there. Done it. (V recently!) big hug x

Original poster

bluebeardsbabe · 28/07/2013 11:37

Thanks guys, yes I know it gets easier but at the moment I just walk around with a big knot in my stomach. I think living with my mother for a while will give me a bit of breathing space from trying to cope with everything on my own and also give me some distance from exp (we live very close at the moment so when he is not with dd I worry about bumping into 'them' all the time).

No answers to be had, just had to offload :)

OP posts:

Lonecatwithkitten · 28/07/2013 12:53

Can so relate to the person in the wrong swanning around and they only see it from their point of view.
I just had ExH whining to me he's got no money after he has been to a Robbie Williams concert and had two weeks in Spain with his Fancy woman!

BlackeyedSusan · 28/07/2013 15:40

he is selfish and shallow, valuing stuff more than his dd. you on the other hand, get dd most of the time.

big hugs.

SnoopyLovesYou · 28/07/2013 15:57

Ha ha me too. My ex is going off on a lovely expensive holiday. I hope he chokes on his Cuba Libre

dollyindub · 28/07/2013 21:44

My ex is talking about buying himself a flash watch as a reward to himself for passing some exams.
He also spends a fortune on clothes and can manage to pay rent, bills and for a social life for him and OW and her kid each month, when I am having to return to the UK as he 'can't afford' to pay regular maintenance for his child, as he has 'no income' just dole and very carefully hidden savings amounting to thousands
So OP, I hear you! Bloody frustrating isn't it!

Original poster

bluebeardsbabe · 29/07/2013 14:14

It is. Can't wait until dd is old enough so I don't have to face him every week. only another ten years or so then of feeling like an unworthy pauper!

OP posts:

shanelle5 · 29/07/2013 20:42

Oh gosh I SOOOO can relate to this post too. (forgive my spamming the boards and replying to loads this evening!) My Ex has just hit a massive business deal that he was working on a year ago when we were together, I helped support him set it all up and now he's reaping the rewards and in a nutshell will probably be mega rich by the end of the year, whilst I am currently getting evicted with our baby due to being unable to pay rent FFS!! I mean what happened to Karma? This man walked out on me when I was pregnant (the month before baby was due) and had been a total shit in the run up, yet its all fallen into place for him and he lives the life of riley while we struggle here because of him. So OP, big hugs to you, no words of advice just to say there are others who DO as you say know exactly how it feels and feel free to come on here and rant/offload anytime as just talking to others in the same boat may help. Handholding and cyber to you xx

Original poster

bluebeardsbabe · 29/07/2013 22:30

Thank you so much shanelle5. It is shit isn't it. I was left to fend for myself 4 months pregnant! It all went financially downhill from there and he refused to give me a penny for anything baby related, grrr, and still hasn't although now he has apparently become father of the year because he has been in dd's life for the past 2 months having an easy life playing with her a few hours a week.

Lots of luck to you and your little one. I do believe in karma and also, aren't they missing out just by not being in their childs life...I mean really being part of it. That is what I hold on to anyway.

OP posts:

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 29/07/2013 22:40

Sounds really rubbish OP.

I feel so sorry for your EX. Clearly his life is seriously lacking in any real substance if he has to spend all his off time shopping for expensive goodies to fill a gap.

Seriously, his designer sunglasses aren't going to give him squishy hugs and dribbly kisses like you'll be getting from DD. It is you she will turn to, trust, rely on in the long term because you are the one putting in the love.

Pity him and his empty possessions.

shanelle5 · 29/07/2013 22:47

BRILLIANT post Charlie, I know it wasnt to me but thankyou thankyou for those words, am gonna copy and paste them to read when I need to! Totally cheered me up and given me a new perspective.
Bluebeard she is right, WE are the rich ones, in so many ways Hun.

revealall · 29/07/2013 22:48

The other way to think about it is that your DD is luckier than some to have a father that is loaded. Even if he isn't spending now one day she will see the designer sunglasses and ask about that expensive ski trip/ Disney holiday she wants. He'll need to cough up or she'll see him for the muppet he is.

Plenty of us have shit ex's that are also poor (often by choice)so are even worse than useless really.

It doesn't help you but hopefully your child will get a little bit of the benefits of wealth - and all the love they will ever need from you.

Hope your numbers come up literally and metaphorically!

Original poster

bluebeardsbabe · 30/07/2013 13:27

Thanks again guys. I am pretty sure dd said daddy this morning. And he missed out on hearing that! (not that I think he gives a stuff but still...I'd like to think he has a soul deep down).

And you are so right revealall...when they are older they do tend to see the truth in terms of what their parents do for them...holding on to that :)

OP posts:

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