Can someone please help me?

[ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath]

I can barely breathe through crying. DS is asleep and seems okay but I am petrified I am going to lose him to his dad.

DS is 2 and XP and I separated when he was 22months. I asked him to leave due to his EAs (threads on here).

DS stays overnight at his dad's parents house on Friday nights and he drops him off at 5/6pm on Saturdays. This has worked well until recently. Last weekend DS screamed to stay with his dad and XP said, in front of DS, please let him stay with me tonight and I'll drop him off in the morning. I really felt cornered and said okay. I have never and will never stand in the way of him seeing him.

I realised almost immediately that it was a mistake, I had given in to the tantrums of DS and XP and we agreed that it wouldn't happen again.

This evening the same thing happened so I asked XP to leave. He refused. DS was screaming that he wanted to go with his dad and was inconsolable. I kept saying to XP that DS would be fine 10 mins after he keft but he said he couldn't leave his son like this. I was completely powerless. XP then said he wanted DS to live with him as DS had said he was scared of mummy and didn't want to come home. I swear, I have never ever given him reason to be scared of me, I have never even shouted at him (I hate shouting and have walked away to calm down in certain situations). I do not know why he has said this and it is killing me.

I told XP he needed to grow up and be a parent and that's when he turned on me. I had DS on my lap cuddling him and XP was standing over me pointing his finger on my nose and shouting 'how f-king dare you' over and over again. I was so scared I almost threw up. I kept it together and managed to stay calm until XP left but now I have no idea what to do. I am broken.

I truly believe that DS is happy with me but because I am the RP I have to do all the boring daily things and tell him off etc. When he sees his dad they have lots of fun, special days out (I do do this too btw!) and lots of treats. I can understand from DS' POV that daddy seems like the fun parent and can't blame him for wantting to live with him. His parents have a huge house with a massive garden and he has constant attention and lots of toys etc there. We live in a small flat with no garden and I can't compete.

Please can anyone give me any advice on how to handle this? XP says he is going to call me in a bit and I'm so scared.

He does have a history of losing his temper but has only been physical with me once and that was picking me up to prevent me from leaving the house when I was pg.

Lost dad, you should read Lundy Bancroft's books. He counsels people who are abusive and anger management etc does not help. It is not an anger problem, it is living your life believing you are better than your partner/ex and can treat them how you want. The manipulation is the most telling aspect. If you lost your temper with your boss and screamed and swore towering over them while they held a toddler, would you send them a text saying you both need to stop bickering with each other, he is trying to make op share the blame for what he did - "you provoked me" type thing. Do you honestly think someone like that will react well if op tells him this domestic abuse and he needs to change? What 'positive' way would you suggest she could do this?

Mediation is not recommended with someone who is abusive, they are not usually willing to be reasonable or put dc first but will seek to manipulate the op and mediator and may even use it as another way to abuse op.

OP, Bancroft book "Daddy hurts Mom" or something like that (sorry can't link atm) has lots on dealing with contact with an abusive ex, lots of practical things you can do to protect yourself and your ds and help him understand the right way to treat others. What you have done so far is great, set boundaries and have as little contact yourself as you can. Most important thing is not sorting out your ex's problems for him (he may never change) but looking after yourself so you are strong and confident to deal with your life.

If mediation is the same as counselling I would strongly advise against it. I went to relate with my ex who was EA and extremely clever (and manipulative)
Worst thing I could have done and have read similar experiences since from others. He twisted everything ever so slightly and had the lady totally on his "side" from week 1.(sorry if that sounds pathetic It was also something he used against me from the get go too. It turned into yet another way he had me apologising for his behaviours and made things worse not better, if that was at all possible Sorry to hijack as its a little off topic just struck a nerve xx